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"even if we end up on opposite sides..." - Dear Future Roommate--for Stanford


ljfreshy85 3 / 3  
Dec 23, 2010   #1
Prompt:Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better.

Dear future roommate,
Hi! I'm Elyse. You know, I wonder about what kind of person you are and whether we'll be close friends.

So, a few things about me. I am a girl who has no idea as to what I want to do. I mean, I have an interest in biology, but that could change, which is why I want to attend Stanford to find my real interest. I like to watch the clouds go by since it reminds me of how quickly time flies by and how it should be cherished. I like to watch biological documentaries that most people wouldn't want to watch after eating dinner, which worries my parents. I tend to be night owl as well as an early bird. But I promise that I will never disturb your peace. I love to watch movies and shop, especially with friends!

If you ask my friends about me, they'll say that I am the girl who is always smiling, no matter how I feel that day. I'm also known to speak really fast, trying to keep up with my train of thought. My friends would also say that I'm very random and known to make weird noises, which make them wonder why they ever became friends with me. People also say that the way I act inside and outside of the classroom is so different that they cannot relate the two, the quiet girl and the loud girl. Another thing I am known for is my refusal to give up on certain things, which can be a strength and weakness.

I play violin in an orchestra. Thanks to it, I'll be able to tell my future kids that I once met a famous person-Midori Gotō, a world famous violinist who was the soloist for the orchestra. And let me say, it was one of the most memorable weekends of my life to have been able to play with her and her student Moni Simeonov.

I hope college will be an amazing experience for us. And hopefully after college we'll stay close friends, even if we end up on opposite sides of the world.

Can't wait to meet you,
Elyse Lim

I need to decrease characters...Care to help? And what should I take out and put in?
Ender 2 / 17  
Dec 23, 2010   #2
My friends would also say that I'm very random and known to make weird noises, which make them wonder why they ever became friends with me.

I love to watch movies and shop, especially with friends!

(also you say close friends at the start of the essay as well as the end of the essay so it's redundant)

You could cut these out...

and expand on this:

People also say that the way I act inside and outside of the classroom is so different that they cannot relate the two, the quiet girl and the loud girl. Another thing I am known for is my refusal to give up on certain things, which can be a strength and weakness.
farima 1 / 1  
Dec 24, 2010   #3
You want to improve the flow of your essay, and a good way to do this is by combining sentences into more eloquent, fluid phrasings.
OP ljfreshy85 3 / 3  
Dec 24, 2010   #4
Like what? Could you give me examples?


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