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UC Prompt 2: An ending that sparks a new beginning.


jyee 1 / 2  
Nov 26, 2009   #1
Suggestions or comments?

Prompt 2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

At 17, I am full of aspirations and dreams. As a young woman who spends half her life in school, I am exposed to only half the world we live in. Looking at my own experiences, I became my own inspiration, but motivation came from my mother, who has acknowledged my future.

Though we may all feel comfortable having parents to stand by us through a portion of our lives; however the feeling only lasted 16 years for me. A catastrophe struck the summer before my junior year was about to begin. My mother came home on a Friday night, complaining about her vision getting blurry, having minor headaches and feeling weak around her body. I was frightened because she was diabetic, who refused to take medication or pay visits to the doctor's office. Being curious as I was, I looked up the symptoms my mother had online and the results were a stroke. After the third day she was admitted into the emergency room, she fell into a coma and had to go through surgery for there was a blood clot in her brain stem. However, with the lack of oxygen going into her brain, she did not survive. The last few words that I recalled from her that day were: "Julia, bring me my clothes, I want to go home". I couldn't help but let my tears flow down my cheeks because I was not able to hear her voice again.

When my mother passed away, I thought to myself "I should make something out of myself because life is too short". And that was what I did. I tried my best in school, signing up for challenging classes that came in my interest. And as I slowly recovered from this displaced situation, I began to be active with my school's community service club, Service Interact, which gave me opportunities to help out at marathons and organization events. I depended on public transportation to get to my destination, so I had to wake up an hour early and at certain events I had to be up before the sun rose. At marathons I helped pass out water to runners or give moral support by cheering for them. Other events involved passing out fliers at the museum or coat check. My weekend was full of events like these that brought me satisfying feelings of helping others. I did not find myself waking up every Saturday and Sunday moaning and whining that it was too early, but I woke up determined because I was going to put a smile on someone else's face. This change was caused by my mother because she was that individual who acknowledged me throughout my sixteen years that I had with her. And by being involved with community service, I was able to become satisfied with my actions and this also brought me to enhance the credibility of becoming the individual I am today.
Hellobeautiful 2 / 4  
Nov 26, 2009   #2
your essay was reallly touching and i think its really good but i think that you should be more focused on one subject like either biology or the photoshopping.
FireTiger 8 / 49  
Nov 26, 2009   #3
You need to focus.

You had a good focus at the beginning with your mom (very strong) and then it just kind of turned into a "im going to talk about everything now" at the end.

Try to find one or two things, preferably relate it to the incident mentioned at the beginning, and sum it all up.
polytag - / 10  
Nov 26, 2009   #4
Remember all parts of the essay have to be equally strong. Your conclusion doesn't have the impact.
OP jyee 1 / 2  
Nov 26, 2009   #5
I cut out the all the redundant information and just talked about volunteer work.

Feedback?
flashofadream 2 / 9  
Nov 26, 2009   #6
Though we may all feel comfortable having parents to stand by us through a portion of our lives; howeverbut unfortunately that feeling only lasted 16 years for me.

A catastrophe struck the summer before my junior year was about to begin. My mother came home on a Friday night, complaining about her vision getting blurry, having minor headaches, blurry vision, and feeling weak around her body. I was frightened because she was diabetic, whoand refused to take medication or pay visits to the doctor's office. Being curious as I was, I looked up the symptoms my mother had online and realized that she had had a stroke . After the third day she was admitted into the emergency room, she fell into a coma and had to go through surgery for there was a blood clot in her brain stem. However, with the lack of oxygen going into her brain, she did not survive.

Julia, despite a few grammatical errors, your essay is fantastically written. You have a very strong voice and such incredible emotion. Your essay really hit home for me--when I was fifteen my mother also had a hemorrhagic stroke. After posting my essay about how her stroke affected my life (prompt 1 of the UC app) I read yours and am...stunned.

I am so sorry for you and your loss.
I wish you best of luck in getting into the UC of your dreams! You are an excellent writer.
batmankiller 6 / 40  
Nov 26, 2009   #7
I have to say while your first two paragraphs were well written, your last paragraph, or at least the beginning of it, was pretty 'boring" It's the generic, X happened so therefore I must make the most out of Y and Z. I took the most challenging courses, worked as hard as I could and blah blah and made the most of my time"

I'm not trying to insult you in any way but I wrote like that too until I found these forums.. read a lot of essays and realized EVERYONE that was writin about similiar topics, did the same thing. It's just my two cents.


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