So, I'm applying as a transfer to UPenn and have a draft of a supplement that a current Penn student said was good, but I'd like the essayforum community's second opinion, so here we go:
PROMPT: A Penn education provides a liberal arts and sciences foundation across multiple disciplines with a practical emphasis in one of four undergraduate schools: the College of Arts and Sciences, the School of Engineering and Applied Science, the School of Nursing, or the Wharton School.
Given the undergraduate school to which you are applying, please discuss how you will engage academically at Penn. (Please answer in 300 words or less.)
My academic interests have expanded greatly since I have entered college, and I feel that Penn has the resources necessary to meet these interests. At Penn, my primary academic engagement focus will be on the pursuit of research and interdisciplinary coursework.
My primary interest at Penn is by far the opportunities for research, particularly in the areas of political science and history. In both of these fields, my ideal is to work with faculty on research in these subjects through Undergraduate Research Program and eventually do independent research through the Center for Undergraduate Research and Fellowships. Further, I hope to pursue Penn's political science honors program so that I might engage in research on a topic of my interest, namely the effects of modern technology and social media on global political movements. The wealth of research opportunities will assuredly occupy a great deal of my time and effort, but I hope not to limit my experience simply to research in my primary field. I also hope to take advantage of Penn's opportunities for interdisciplinary study, particularly through the interschool minors program.
One of my greatest desires in college has been to pursue study in as many of the fields that interest me as I can. My eclectic tastes in academia grant me a strong desire to study subjects which often crosses the barrier between undergraduate schools. The interschool minors program at the College of Arts and Sciences offers me the opportunity to pursue my interests in legal scholarship through the Minor in Legal Studies and History, which represents an academic area I have been yearning to pursue since I arrived at college.
My goal for academic engagement at Penn is ultimately to utilize every conceivable avenue for interdisciplinary scholarship and research on topics of interest relating to my field of study.
I like how you get straight to the subject and have very straight-forward reasoning as to why you are applying to Penn. However, I feel that your writing is a bit stoic and a bit cliche in that it's rather impersonal. You use the word "research" and "academic" very often, so it sounds very repetitive at times. I'd suggest using more voice, so that the admissions officer can get some insight about your personality as well.
Best of luck!
Perhaps I shall do more research into cutting back on the academic component of my essay. :D
Thank you very much for the critique, I had some worries about that and was hoping to get some feedback. Not sure exactly how I'd get more personal, though. Maybe explain more about my interest in the subject? Would I really have room for that? It's already pushing the word limit pretty hard.
