Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).
After I completed my final exam of grade 10, I was in dilemma in choosing a place for my study. I was interested at Kathmandu; however, my parents recommended me to study in my hometown so that I could support them in their business. Although I mentioned many benefits in studying there, my parents did not allow me to go. Afterwards, I made promise to them that I would score good marks in my high school being a good student. Consequently, they did let me go to Kathmandu for my study. I was very excited as well as anxious since it was my first trip to Kathmandu after the age of 5. Finally, with lots of challenges I went towards Kathmandu.
After I arrived at Kathmandu, I was very happy but was very nervous, since the place was new to me. Then, I made a call to my uncle, who was working in one of the private companies in Kathmandu. Then, we began to search for the room in rent for me. Since there was no place in my uncle's house to stay, I had to stay alone in somewhere else. Finding a room in rent at Kathmandu was very hard. We could not get room for 2 weeks. We were tired of searching room. Finally, I got room, though it was very small in area. I along with my uncle got some sort of relief when I got a room to stay. The life in rent was very difficult in Kathmandu. I had to compromise most of the things that I had never done in my life before. The problem of water is very high in Kathmandu especially to the people staying a house rent. There is no sufficient to water to use even for the domestic purposes. I was compelled to use very limited amount of water for cooking, washing, and other domestic activities. Besides, there was problem of petroleum gases which made me oblige to eat outside at a hotel for 4 days. The life was really very struggling for me because; I had not faced such problems before in my life. Slowly, I manage all the problems and became able to adjust with such environment. Managing all the difficulties, I began to prepare for entrance in high school. The entrance exam in high school was a challenging task. There were different students from different parts of Nepal at Kathmandu which created a huge competition.
After 3 months, the result of the exam of grade 10 has published. I along with my parents was very happy with my result, which also motivated me in doing well in high school. Then I got admission in one of the high schools of Kathmandu with some sorts of scholarship. Finally, I began my high school at Kathmandu. During my stay at school, I made many new friends but, some of them were smokers and drunkard. However, I did not get involve with them because I had made promise to my parents, which made me concentrate on study rather than other bad activities. Some of my friends urged me to have a smoke but, I refused to do so. The time was passing but, the problem related to water was still the same. Anyway, my study was going well. Consequently I scored high marks in 11th grade. Similarly, I got distinction in grade 12. Finally, I fulfilled the promise I made to my parents.
If I was studying at my hometown I would not have score such high scores as I did in Kathmandu. Some of my friend, who have studied in my hometown regret in not studying at Kathmandu. Since, Kathmandu is full filled with quality education, lots of laboratory equipments, and skilled teacher it has become the dream of many students. Thus, I feel proud in choosing a Kathmandu for my high study.
After I Completed my high school, I was inhad trouble choosing a major of my study.
Afterwards, I just (became involved or began working) in my family's company.
During my stay at the company, I provided support to the employees of our company at their work in assembling or maintaining the generator sets.
Besides, I didI also helped in providing the consultation to the potential costumers about ...
This experience has fueled my interest in the electric field since then.
:)
thank you very much.
Thank you for posting your essay. I'm a little worried for you, as most of your sentences contain grammatical errors.
I've fixed some of them below:
After I completed the final exam of grade 10, I was in dilemma in choosing a place for my study.
***This sentence is too vague. Try it again. Here's my example: "After completing my sophomore year of high school, I decided to focus on choosing the best school for me."
*** "After I completed the final exam of grade 10, I had (experienced) a dilemma in choosing a place (school/university) for my studies."
*** "After I completed the final exam of grade 10, I wanted to change schools."
I was interested at Kathmandu; however, my parents recommended me to study in my hometown so that I could support them in their business.
***"Although I wanted to leave my hometown, I found it difficult to leave my parents and the family business."
--Are there any interesting stories from your family's business?
Although I mentioned many benefits in studying there, my parents did not allow me to go.
*** Remove.
Afterwards, I made promise to them that I would score good marks in my high school being a good student.
*** "I promised them that I would study really hard in high school and make them proud."
Consequently, they did let me go to Kathmandu for my study.
*** Remove the words "for my study." They aren't good English. Correct possibilities: "for my studies," "to study______," and "for school."
*** "Consequently" is one of those tricky words that require a definite cause and effect. You can't just throw it in anywhere. I don't think your parents agreed to let you, because you said you would study hard. They must have already decided to let you go, or as time passed they realized that they were being too strict. Either way, "consequently" is the wrong word choice. I would use "after ____ months," "eventually," or even "ultimately," to show that over time they reached their decision.
I was very excited as well as anxious since it was my first trip to Kathmandu after the age of 5.
*** "I was very excited as well as anxious, since I had not visited Kathmandu in ten years."
-- It was not your "first trip." You only ever have one "first trip."
Finally, with lots of challenges I went towards Kathmandu.
*** "Finally, I left for Kathmandu to meet new challenges."
-- "With lots of challenges" means that you had a lot of problems. I don't think it's exactly what you mean.
After I arrived at Kathmandu, I was very happy but was very nervous, since the place was new to me.
*** "After I arrived in Kathmandu, I was very happy but also very nervous, as the place was new to me."
Then, I made a call to my uncle, who was working in one of the private companies in Kathmandu.
***"who was working at..."
Then, we began to search for the room in rent for me.
*** Don't use "then" to start two sentences: one after another.
*** "We began to search for a room to rent."
Since there was no place in my uncle's house to stay, I had to stay alone in somewhere else.
*** Combine with previous sentence:
"We began to search for a room to rent, because my uncle had no room at his house for me."
Finding a room in rent at Kathmandu was very hard.
*** "Finding a room for rent in..."
We could not get room for 2 weeks.
*** English is very hard isn't it? You made a mistake by leaving out the "a" before room.
But, you could say, "We could not get housing for 2 weeks." "We could not get food..." "We could not get clothing..." These examples use nouns such as "housing" and "food" that are plural, not singular.
We were tired of searching room.
***"We grew tired of searching for a room."
Overall, I enjoyed reading about your experiences. I feel that if you narrow down your description to those experiences that were ethical dilemmas or truly hard problems, then your essay will be better. More details, details, details.
1) Paragraph 1. Describe everything you did to find the apartment.
2) Paragraph 2. Describe what you did to meet the challenge of a water shortage.
3) Paragraph 3. Describe how you were approached by your friends to smoke pot. Your refusal indicates that you have a strong character.
4) Paragraph 4. Analyze why you were able to succeed in your studies at Kathmandu.
"During my stay in Kathmandu, I made many new friends. Some smoked and drank alcohol. However, I did not get involved with them, because I had made a promise to my parents: concentrate on studying. Some of my friends urged me to have a smoke, but I refused to do so. Consequently, my studies turned out well: I scored high marks in 11th grade. Similarly, I got a distinction in grade 12. Finally, I fulfilled the promise I made to my parents.
If I had studied in my hometown, I would not have scored such high scores as I did in Kathmandu. Some of my friends who studied in my hometown regret not studying in Kathmandu. Kathmandu had quality education: laboratory equipment, skilled teachers, and a good educational philosophy. Thus, I feel proud in choosing Kathmandu for my high school studies."
"Finally, I fulfilled the promise I made to my parents." The only sentence I found without a grammatical error. Try writing it again using a simpler sentence structure. Correct verb tense is hard in any language, and it becomes more confusing as the number of verbs increases in each sentence.
Rules:
**Use the article "a" when talking about a singular noun. When to use "a," "the," or no article is really hard to learn.
** The "-ing" verb ending indicates a recurring action--either in the past or present. Sometimes it's hard to tell.
Take the sentence, "If I was studying at my hometown I would not have score such high scores as I did in Kathmandu." I changed the verb tense. It's hard to explain my reasons, but I'll try my best. "If I was studying in my hometown, I would do my homework only on weekdays." Notice how the second half of the sentence uses the present form "do." The second half of your sentence is in the past tense. You already took your tests. You already received your scores. Taking the tests themselves was not a weekly or recurring action, so you can't use, "If I had been studying in Kathmandu,..."
Hope this helps.
thanks a lot ....I will certainly improve my English ... for your kind suggestions thank you again....
Hi sathiprakash,
I am afraid that your use of tenses is quite poor as it is very inconsistent. Present and past tenses are used alternately. You could review the tenses first, I am sure it could help a lot.
I need explanation with some similar examples please?
Hi sathiprakash,
In this line..."During my stay at the company, I worked as a computer operator. I usually perform the tasks related to the internet.", you should use 'performed' rather than 'perform'.
By the way, I love reading your piece of work as it flows really well!
