Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 10


Why Engineering? Why Cornell Engineering?


fearless9 4 / 12  
Dec 13, 2009   #1
I do not like my ending, how can I improve it?

I must thank my best friend Andrew for igniting my dream. Since birth, Andrew has gradually lost thirty percent of his hearing. The only solution to his problem was to wear a bulky, ugly hearing aid. As the only student in my school wearing a hearing aid, Andrew hated to be viewed as a senile hospital patient who must be treated with extra care and pity, so he returned this expensive device. Without the aid, Andrew had to put in more time and effort than others to earn perfect grades. In addition, his inability to hear subdued voices often resulted in several awkward situations. Had his efforts not been hampered by his hearing impairment, his achievements would have been even more outstanding.

I often wonder how many people are like Andrew, unable to reach their full potential because they're embarrassed to wear hearing aids. If the nearsighted are able to wear contact lenses in order to hide their disability, then surely the hearing impaired should have hearing aids that are equally unnoticeable. There is a great need for microscopic hearing aids. Through my best friend, I recognized the weight of my mission and developed an unyielding interest in engineering.

Engineering is the water of today's society. As water is necessary for life, engineering is required for the continuation of civilization in the twenty-first century. We humans have five essential needs: food, clothes, shelter, transportation, and communication. All of these demands depend extensively on engineering: from modern farming to food processing, textile manufacturing to clothes designing, villa building to skyscraper erecting, road constructing to bridge framing, and cell phone developing to internet maintaining. Because engineering can affect the world so drastically and in so many ways, I decide to devote my life to engineering and consider attending Cornell's School of Engineering to be the first step towards my goal.

Cornell Engineering offers hands-on research opportunities where I have the privilege to explore alongside of world-renowned, but unpretentious facilities. The numerous project teams and the cutting edge technologies will certainly aid me in my pursuit of inventing helpful devices such as affordable micro-hearing aids. Another aspect of Cornell Engineering that attracted me is the requirement of an introductory engineering course. This class will expose me to various fields of engineering and will present me a better understanding of my future career. In addition, the Kessler Fellows Program also intrigued me. I believe this program will turn my dreams into realities by shaping me into an effectual leader of the business world.

The superb quality of Cornell Engineering in all aspects has compelled me to call it my alma mater. I am cognizant that attending Cornell's School of Engineering will make me successful in accomplishing my dream.
batmankiller 6 / 40  
Dec 13, 2009   #2
It's always a good idea to relate it to the last sentence in your first paragraph. If you're able to do this, you know that you wrote a good itnroduction just because the last line becomes your "focus" of the essay/thesis in a way and it's only good because your conclusion wraps up the focus of the essay.

With that said I don't think the last sentence of your first paragraph was all that strong... nor are your last sentences. Don't say "oh you guys have such a wonderful engineering program... so i want to be a part of this..." link specifics or specifics accomplishments/aspects about their program that entices you and then wrap it all up.
meisj0n 8 / 272 2  
Dec 13, 2009   #3
water of today's society. As water is required for the survival of the fish, engineering is necessary for the continuation of our twenty-first century civilization.

the analogy would work, but rephrase it somewhat. "As water is necessary for a fish to survive, so too is engineering to the continuation of civilization in the twenty-first century." Another thing- while this list is long, it doesn't seem very personal, unless you connect more with each notion.

I desire to devote my life to engineering.

desire sounds off a bit.

The spark of my dream was ignited by my best friend, Andrew.

passive tense. "My best friend Andrew ignited the spark of this dream."...still odd though. I don't think you need "the spark of"

The only solution was to wear a bulky, ugly hearing aid. As the only student in my school wearing a hearing aid, Andrew was viewed either as a senile hospital patient who must be treated with extra care and pity or as a freak who deserved nothing but isolation and hurtful mockeries. Andrew wished only to be viewed as the confident and self-assured person he truly is. He returned the hearing aid and hoped life could return back to normal. Being his best friend, I fully understood his feelings and pains.

Shorten and focus on the point you try to make with his hearing aid needs.

Because of his moderate hearing loss, Andrew had to put in more time and effort than others to achieve his 3.98 GPA.

take out please. PLEASE

Had his efforts not been hampered by this disability, his achievements would have been even more outstanding.

The end of this paragraph doesn't truly make a point, looks like you go on a tangent.

I often wonder how many people are like Andrew, unable to reach their full potential because they're embarrassed to wear a hearing aid.If the nearsighted are able to wear contact lenses in order to hide their disability, then surely the hearing impaired should have hearing aids that are equally unnoticeable.

1. this point, while great, should go with the previous paragraph or have a better transition. 2. that second point- I thought some people do have really good hearing aids...Iono. then again, I've just seen the ones that look like earbuds..3.focus more on this idea. (in red) maybe lead up to it more.

Through my best friend, I recognize the weight of my mission, and I consider attending Carnegie Mellon University to be the first step toward this dream.

dream-nonrealistic, though you repeat what you said earlier about a friend sparking a dream, it seems like your mission = a dream.

explore alongside of world-renowned, yet unpretentious facilities

what do you mean by that last part?

my pursuit of designing and producing affordable micro-hearing aids

wow. that's a narrow goal. while saying that here is great, maybe say that this is just one of many things you hope to do?

While I'm pursuing a biomedical engineering degree, I can also earn a degree in biology.

sounds unnatural. why do you write this? write that why part into your essay

The superb quality of Carnegie Mellon Engineering has compelled me to call it my alma mater. I am ready to be a proud Tartan.

quite fearless. ambitious too.

Comments: You digress from your first paragraph entirely. Focus on your friend's disability and how it has shaped this dream instead. maybe include the present intro as an aside? The ideas are there, just need to pinpoint them and reword some
OP fearless9 4 / 12  
Dec 14, 2009   #4
How do I make my importance of engineering paragraph an aside? I really don't want to delete that paragraph.
meisj0n 8 / 272 2  
Dec 14, 2009   #5
I'm not saying that you have to delete it. But ask yourself, why do you write about man's needs? how are those needs specific to you? to your field? maybe add yourself into it. to see that this is what YOU have realized.. and not what you have pulled out of a book. make it, if possible, a more personal essay. Because that intro is rather long, I had thought that you wanted to talk about those ideas/needs in your essay. you DID NOT. you talked about a friend's needs that influenced you to follow a direct path, one that you know you want to pursue. Unless you connect the two, one very broad, about ALL mankind, with your friend, it's a stretch to combine them. I think you can, just think up some transition.
mrgzg1 6 / 14  
Dec 15, 2009   #6
To some extent I think that the essay consists more of the story about your friend's feeling and less of why you like CMU and would like to attend it... and I am confused about the heading is it for Cornell or CMU???? Please try to cut short the story and increase the proportion of the other important matter!

My english is not that good so I will not try to correct you, but I am excellent at reading essays and criticizing them!
OP fearless9 4 / 12  
Dec 15, 2009   #7
This essay is on why I chose engineering AND why I chose CMU. When I talk about Andrew, it shows that I am empathic and caring towards friends, and that I chose engineering because I want to improve the lives of Andrew (my best friend) and the lives of people who are affected by the same problem.

Likewise, when I talk about his feelings, I am implying that those feelings are not felt by him alone, but by many others in his situation. This is why I dream of inventing an almost invisible hearing aid, and why I chose Engineering. But perhaps this paragraph needs to be shortened.
OP fearless9 4 / 12  
Dec 15, 2009   #8
I shortened my second paragraph
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 17, 2009   #9
viewed as a senile hospital patient who must be treated with extra care.

You expressed that very well! And that is not an easy ting to express. You have a nice way with words.

Since birth, Andrew has gradually lost thirty percent of his hearing.
batmankiller 6 / 40  
Dec 26, 2009   #10
Had his efforts not been hampered by his hearing impairment, his achievements would have been even more outstanding.
-This sentence is too superficial, tells me nothing, just another generality. Invoke some imagery here.. that'll make the last line of your paragraph and the meaning of this sentence much more strong.

Cornell Engineering offers hands-on research opportunities [...]

-This paragraph seems too much like a list. While your thinking is there, you ultimately don't want to just list cornell's programs and write one 1-2 sentences about it. Especially since the ideas in that paragraph don't flow very well. While you do have transitions, it only further cements the fact that you're listing and not elegantly talking about the events. Sound more real/strong here.

-Last sentence is good so just don't list as much in the second to last paragraph.. talk about yourself more.

I could be wrong but the fact that schools always say "relate it to our schools/programs;" it really throws me off. Anyone can do research on a school, and it's pretty much the boasting and listing of a school's programs/making your essay look a brochure. Wasn't it like the #1 rule to not write about how great a school. If we go by this logic and the fact that admission officers aren't looking for you to go in-depth in their programs but go in-depth for yourself, I think a simple arbitrary sentence about a Cornell's facilities with more personal evaluation would be best.


Home / Undergraduate / Why Engineering? Why Cornell Engineering?
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳