water of today's society. As water is required for the survival of the fish, engineering is necessary for the continuation of our twenty-first century civilization.
the analogy would work, but rephrase it somewhat. "As water is necessary for a fish to survive, so too is engineering to the continuation of civilization in the twenty-first century." Another thing- while this list is long, it doesn't seem very personal, unless you connect more with each notion.
I desire to devote my life to engineering.
desire sounds off a bit.
The spark of my dream was ignited by my best friend, Andrew.
passive tense. "My best friend Andrew ignited the spark of this dream."...still odd though. I don't think you need "the spark of"
The only solution was to wear a bulky, ugly hearing aid. As the only student in my school wearing a hearing aid, Andrew was viewed either as a senile hospital patient who must be treated with extra care and pity or as a freak who deserved nothing but isolation and hurtful mockeries. Andrew wished only to be viewed as the confident and self-assured person he truly is. He returned the hearing aid and hoped life could return back to normal. Being his best friend, I fully understood his feelings and pains.
Shorten and focus on the point you try to make with his hearing aid needs.
Because of his moderate hearing loss, Andrew had to put in more time and effort than others to achieve his 3.98 GPA.
take out please. PLEASE
Had his efforts not been hampered by this disability, his achievements would have been even more outstanding.
The end of this paragraph doesn't truly make a point, looks like you go on a tangent.
I often wonder how many people are like Andrew, unable to reach their full potential because they're embarrassed to wear a hearing aid.If the nearsighted are able to wear contact lenses in order to hide their disability, then surely the hearing impaired should have hearing aids that are equally unnoticeable.
1. this point, while great, should go with the previous paragraph or have a better transition. 2. that second point- I thought some people do have really good hearing aids...Iono. then again, I've just seen the ones that look like earbuds..3.focus more on this idea. (in red) maybe lead up to it more.
Through my best friend, I recognize the weight of my mission, and I consider attending Carnegie Mellon University to be the first step toward this dream.
dream-nonrealistic, though you repeat what you said earlier about a friend sparking a dream, it seems like your mission = a dream.
explore alongside of world-renowned, yet unpretentious facilities
what do you mean by that last part?
my pursuit of designing and producing affordable micro-hearing aids
wow. that's a narrow goal. while saying that here is great, maybe say that this is just one of many things you hope to do?
While I'm pursuing a biomedical engineering degree, I can also earn a degree in biology.
sounds unnatural. why do you write this? write that why part into your essay
The superb quality of Carnegie Mellon Engineering has compelled me to call it my alma mater. I am ready to be a proud Tartan.
quite fearless. ambitious too.
Comments: You digress from your first paragraph entirely. Focus on your friend's disability and how it has shaped this dream instead. maybe include the present intro as an aside? The ideas are there, just need to pinpoint them and reword some