I am wanting to show that I am seeking not only an academic background, but knowledge in teamwork, leadership, and communication skills. I am also wanting to make sure they see that I am doing this to help others, particularly with the second paragraph.
Any guidance?
What are the core skills and knowledge you hope to acquire by completing a degree in this major and how do you plan to apply these when you graduate?
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Attending the College of Mechanical Engineering will create a foundation to a future of learning and research in the prosthetics field. I will seek a solid academic background in materials, statics, and dynamics which will be the fundamental resource for my future engineering projects. I believe that by combining a superior education with the leadership, inter-personal, and communication skills that I learned in the Marines will enable me to maintain an inventive and innovative edge in the industry. Much like I was a leader during my eight years in the Marines, I also aspire to become a leader in the prosthetics industry. I will be pursuing a position with the Defense Science Office or the VA Hospital in their prosthetics labs. I plan to use my use my engineering education to specialize in prosthetic limbs that are controlled by the central nervous system. Ultimately, I plan to take the knowledge and skills that I harvest from the University of Florida to benefit the lives of many.
Please provide any other information about yourself that you feel will help this college make an admission decision. This may include work, research, volunteer activities or other experiences pertaining to the degree program.
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I have recently finished an eight year tour as an infantryman in the United States Marine Corps. During my time in the Marines I completed three tours in the desert, including the initial push to Baghdad. Several of my friends lost limbs while we were deployed and seeing their struggle struck a nerve with me. Those warriors' selfless service and sacrifice shaped my future in a way that is indescribable. Consequently, my experience with these men has set me on a path to better myself so that I may better others. This led me to my career goal of becoming a leading research scientist in the field of prosthetics with a background in Mechanical Engineering and Biomechanics. By volunteering at a local prosthetics firm, Gainesville Prosthetics, I was able to further narrow down my interests to the research of upper limb prosthetics. My fellow Marines have given so much and I feel that it is my duty to be a part of the research that strives to restore the abilities they have lost.
Revised draft, having a problem with the sentence in red.
I see an undergraduate education from the College of Mechanical Engineering at the University of Florida as a foundation to a future of learning and teaching. I hope to receive a solid academic background in materials, statics, and dynamics which will be the fundamental resource for my future engineering projects. Along with my ...
I have recently finished an eight year tour as an infantryman in the United States Marine Corps.
I left the Marines with life experiences that made me a better man person (I suggest the term person because there is no need to complicate matters by involving gender), not merely seeking personal benefit but also seeking to b enefit those who have sacrificed.
The first para and the end of the second are very impressive, and I would not want you to change anything. I recommend The Body Electric by Becker, something you might be interested in. Reading the introduction, you'll find some reference to a phenomenon associated with the feeling of a raised spirit on the battlefield, and this raised spirit which enables warriors to do tremendous things in the heat of battle can help also in other parts of life, especially rehabilitation and overcoming injury/illness. It can be called "raising the spirit" (see the work of Dr. Yang Jwing-Ming about Qigong).
I seriously revamped the first paragraph, I don't feel I was answering the question correctly. I feel that this paragraph is much stronger. What do y'all think?
