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Engineering in supporting my financial issues - Personal statement correction


Iraj33 3 / 1  
Mar 27, 2015   #1
Personal statement

You will read an essay about a person who succeed in his studies by his own encourages and attempts, Being motivated is one of the reasons he succeed in his study life, to be positive and think positive is also need to be considered in the way he succeed in.

When I was 5 years old, my family registered me at school because of an excessive believing they had on my talent, therefore I started school where I faced with full pressure and depression, school was a tremendous place for me, and I failed in the first year though I was absconding every day from school to home.

ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Mar 27, 2015   #2
You will read an essay about a person who succeed in his studies by his own encourages and attempts, Being motivated is one of the reasons he succeed in his study life, to be positive and think positive is also need to be considered in the way he succeed in.

is this paragraph a part of the statement? If so, I suggest to remove it or express it in a different way. First, the word "succeed" has been repeated a lot. Second, this paragraph seems a blueprint to me. Usually a blueprint comes at the end of the introduction. So, simply write the introduction and at the end give a blueprint as the outline of the paper.

When I was 5 years old, my family registered me at school because of an excessive believing they had on my talent, therefore I started school where I faced with full pressure and depression, school was a tremendous place for me, and I failed in the first year though I was absconding every day from school to home.very long sentence. In fact you wrote a paragraph in one sentence. Suggestion:"My parents has always believed in my talents excessively, so that they made me to start school at the age of five, two years earlier than any other child. Although my parents were so excited about that, school brought me everything but excitement. I found it a place that I had to tolerate a lot of pressure and stress everyday at such a young age. Finally, I failed the first year of studying at school".

When I faced with another vast of encouragements again by my family I got much more moral for studying at school, after all I passed every year of high school with an incredible result, where I become one of top three students at my school (this paragraph and the previous one are not connected in my opinion. In the first one you said your parents' wrong decision led to a failure, and in the second one you are saying something good about the role of your parents. I think you should modify the second paragraph a little bit. For example, you should say that even though the experience of the first year at school was hard for you and your family, you could pass the final exams the next year as you got older by one year and you could handle the stress more easily. .

Since I have been living in a village and I tended to learn more and continue my education I decided to go abroad, and I registered for university entry exam, and in my result paper written FAILED and I can't meet the entry requirement for the university, I become nervous therefore I didn't lose my moral to face with that hard situation which I never experienced, I found my weak sides which I couldn't develop them in the village, I tried self-study everyday with full attempt, therefore I got the top score of entrance exam at university.Again a very long sentence. You need to organize your ideas and thoughts first and then write them down on the paper. You said you live in a village and you want to learn more. What is the connection between living in a village and studying abroad? You should provide stronger reasons which have steered you toward this decision (studying abroad). And the term is "the university entrance exam" or "matriculation exam". I think you need to revise this paragraph

Since being far away from family was hard for me, I got job during the studies to support my financial issues, and have a consistent score every year at university where I Graduated as one of top five students among whole students of Engineering department. (connect paragraphs to each other. There is no coherency in this work. What department? What university? what country? Add more details

I have believed that if human try to catch something, definitely he can, just need a try. (is this a paragraph?)

If we want to reach the goals, beyond the shadow of a doubt needed to stop saying the word "Can't" in life, we just need to try and figure out, seek for some positive clues to find and select the real ways. Never stop and never wait to someone for encouragement, do it by yourself be motivated and give moral to yourself then the result will be appreciable as I was experiencing apprehensions in my life, but I didn't lose my moral and tried to be motivated then I succeed.


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