I love sports, pigging out, and I especially love video games.
You know, Jennifer, these 3 activities do not seem particularly boyish. Girls love those, things, too!
How boring and stereotypical.--hahahahI love this sentence. Give it an exclamation mark, though, and that will justify making it a sentence fragment. I don't realy know how to explain what I mean, but I think you should add an exclamation mark.
Every now and then I get so worked up with my games and talk to my other gamer friends that even my best friend looks at me with a weird face because. ----This sentence made my brain go into a spasm. It is an error that it ends with the word because? You confused me!!
As I have already stated---It is better to just refer to the love for video games instead of wasting words to say "As I have already stated"...
Okay.. bottom line: I think this essay should not be about gender roles. And at the end it should not simply say you want to work with your brothers, etc. It should expound your intellectual and philosophical interest in the kind of technology you are planning to work with. Let's make this all about YOUR plan, from the beginning to the end of the essay.
Can anyone else give me some feedback? Please?
The best way to get feedback from a lot of people is to go to the Unanswered list (link at the top of the screen) and help others. Then, ask them to review your essay.