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"engineering is used to create solutions to problems" - Why CMU Essay

PocketOtaku 1 / -  
Dec 15, 2010   #1
Sorry, I know its kinda long... But I'd like opinions on my essay because I have no idea what is considered a good or bad essay.

Prompt: Please submit a one-page, single-spaced essay that explains why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon and your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know. If you are applying to more than one college or program, please mention each college or program you are applying to. Because our admission committees review applicants by college and programs, your essay can impact our final decision. Please do not exceed one page for this essay.

Growing up as the only girl in the family, I've been mocked since my childhood about how I'm so boyish. I love sports, pigging out, and I especially love video games. My parents were always pushing me to be more feminine, more graceful, and more refined; to become the ideal daughter who was beautiful, well mannered, became a nurse or a teacher, married a nice man and become a good mother. How boring and stereotypical. My friends also picked on me for hanging so around so much with the boys that had "cooties." As I grew, I began to become more as my parents had expected me to be, but also maintained my interest in sports and gaming. Every now and then I get so worked up with my games and talk to my other gamer friends that even my best friend looks at me with a weird face because.

My life has always been a compromise of pleasing my parents while allowing myself to enjoy life. Being a first generation college student, I feel obligated to take this chance that my parents didn't have and make the most of it. Of course, it's every parent's dream that their child will attend Harvard, Yale or MIT. When I told them that I didn't want to go to any of those schools they were upset and continually encouraged me that I needed to go to the best school and get the best education. However, they don't realize that each student has a different fit, and those schools just don't fit me. I firmly believe that my education would flourish the most at Carnegie Mellon. Fortunately, Carnegie Mellon is still among the best of the best so they were able to settle for that.

As I was browsing the School of Computer Science portion of the CMU website, I noticed a link for Women@SCS. This must have been one of the biggest things that attracted me to CMU. After being discouraged to study computer science as it was too "nerdy" or "something meant for guys," I see that Carnegie Mellon actually encourages me to be who I am and do what I love to do. I feel that it is important to let students all over the world know that gender roles should not be an obstacle in life.

So why computer science/engineering? As I have already stated, I have loved video games since I was a kid. In fifth grade, I attended a summer camp where they taught HTLM, QBASIC, and Pascal programming. This is where I began to fall in love with programming languages. I even began reading my brother's copy of "C++ for Dummies" book during my spare time. Last summer I also attended an engineering camp that allowed me to explore the different disciplines of engineering. Again, none really captured my interest except the programming classes. The thing they stressed at the camp was that engineering is used to create solutions to problems. What greater combination than doing what I love and helping people at the same time! Ideally, I would like to combine my interest for programming with my love for video games. Hence, my future plans of being a software engineer for gaming company. If this is not possible, then I would like to start out working with my brother and cousins, who have been influential figures in my life, programming for iPhones and Androids.

Ngozi93 3 / 30  
Dec 15, 2010   #2
I feel like your essay definitely have the potential to be amazing but one of the things i didn't like was its beginning. Simply you should change it and somehow captivate the reader with an event in your life that somehow influenced you. ALso you should defintely end strongly and never in a essay a specially to a college should you write "i already stated". Your essay need more details and a simple focus.
Ngozi93 3 / 30  
Dec 20, 2010   #3
I think you should elaborate more on the summer camp you went to and how you was a camper who loved video games. After going to the camp you came to realize that your love for video games can also go along with studying computer/science engineer. You should mention a story on that and how it impacted you tofurther your drive to want to study in commputer science. ALso is important for your essay to have one focus and the ending to me seem like is being rushed a little. So elaborate more on the events that happened at one summer camp and at the end mention why you want to go to their school and what unique program they have that you'll love to join and why.

Also is this suppose to be a personal statement? if so it should be more story like
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,341 129  
Dec 26, 2010   #4
I love sports, pigging out, and I especially love video games.

You know, Jennifer, these 3 activities do not seem particularly boyish. Girls love those, things, too!

How boring and stereotypical.--hahahahI love this sentence. Give it an exclamation mark, though, and that will justify making it a sentence fragment. I don't realy know how to explain what I mean, but I think you should add an exclamation mark.

Every now and then I get so worked up with my games and talk to my other gamer friends that even my best friend looks at me with a weird face because. ----This sentence made my brain go into a spasm. It is an error that it ends with the word because? You confused me!!

As I have already stated---It is better to just refer to the love for video games instead of wasting words to say "As I have already stated"...

Okay.. bottom line: I think this essay should not be about gender roles. And at the end it should not simply say you want to work with your brothers, etc. It should expound your intellectual and philosophical interest in the kind of technology you are planning to work with. Let's make this all about YOUR plan, from the beginning to the end of the essay.


Can anyone else give me some feedback? Please?

The best way to get feedback from a lot of people is to go to the Unanswered list (link at the top of the screen) and help others. Then, ask them to review your essay.

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