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English as a barrier, a freshmen; "Never say you failed without trying"


julia_0609 1 / 1  
Nov 28, 2008   #1
PlZ help me with my prompt #1. i am applying as a freshmen to UCs.
Any Help Is Appreciated, GREATLY!
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

"Never say you failed without trying" I mumbled to myself in front of the mirror. I was about to host a Karaoke contest in English at the high school I attended in Hong Kong. It was a challenge for me to speak in front of the whole school, using my second language - English. I felt excited but nervous at the same time because I did not consider myself capable of mastering this position.

My English teacher noticed my concern. "Practice makes perfect. Have faith to overcome anything in your life" Her encouragement urged me to do my best. I practiced the dialogues every day after school with my teacher, and at home. I scratched out and added lines, rephrased, and added tone to my speech, making it more than just reading off a paper. On the day of contest, my hardship was rewarded by the commendation from teachers and audience. I gave a speech to welcome the guests and students. Although I trembled when I stepped on stage, my voice was clear and loud, and the audience laughed in all the right places. Being a host in the singing contest not only initiated my interest in English, but also launched the power of communication into my world.

A great master once said that facing fear is the best way to overcome it. There are only 26 letters in English, but the language was never easy to me. After I moved to America, I entered my high school in California as an ELD student, and worked hard to master English. I encouraged myself with the experience I gained in Hong Kong, and my teacher's words remained strong in my mind. In time, my performances in class impressed my English teacher who recommended me to Honors. I took advantage of my skills in communication to help Chinese students who struggle. I helped parents and students translate when I worked as assistance in the counseling and parent support offices in school, I became more confident in communicating through English. This experience in overcoming English triggered me to become a translator to help people (Chinese?) with difficulties in speaking English.

My communication skills and experience as a translator gave me confidence and compelled me to organize educational activities in the Cantonese club. We arranged colleges tours for students to familiarize with colleges. As an officer, I used my bilingual skills to explained to students about college requirements and various majors. On colleges campuses, I spoke on behalf Chinese immigrants with undergraduate students and professors, and exchanged experiences. Beyond learning about colleges myself, I gained leadership experience and confidence in communicating in public. Additionally, the experience I gained in tours deepened my dream in becoming a translator to help other Chinese immigrants.

Unlike most students, I did not come to the United States for a high pay job. Instead, my curiosity in learning propelled me to continue my education and to achieve my dream. Ever since I began high school, I wondered which great master had created the alphabets that are used around the world like currencies. By becoming a translator, I will not only be able to help students, but also other families. Communications between people will serve as the core to unite people like currencies and the alphabets did.

any suggestion is greatly appreciated!

OP julia_0609 1 / 1  
Nov 28, 2008   #2
Anyone help me?? i don't know how to connect it to a dream or aspiration....i'm think maybe the aspiration could be like a um...like people who help immigrants...

also im think i should cut off the second to the last paragraph it seems irrelevant...

any help is appreciated~~
priscileung 10 / 42  
Dec 10, 2008   #3
i just some minor grammatical errors and maybe a couple suggestions with phrasing.

"I practiced the dialogues every day after school with my teacher, and at home."
- consider revising to "I practiced my lines every day after school with my teacher and at home". i don't think you need the comma and i don't really think 'the dialogues' works well

"I scratched out and added lines, rephrased, and added tone to my speech, making it more than just reading off a paper."
- too many ands and commas. maybe you could try "I crossed out, added lines, rephrased sentences and added tone to my speech so that i wasn't just reading off a sheet of paper"

"my voice was clear and loud"
- loud and clear has better rhythm to it (in my opinion)

"when I worked as assistance in the counseling and parent support offices in school"
- "worked as an assistant" or simply "assisted"

to explained to students about college requirements
- "explain"

"I did not come to the United States for a high pay job"
- "high paying job"

Also, it's kinda cool you say you used to live in HK 'cause I used to live there too, lol. Where'd you live/which school did you go to?
raisin 2 / 7  
Dec 11, 2008   #4
You said you had difficulty connecting it to a dream or aspiration.

Well, maybe you could give an example of the difficulty you experienced as a fresh immigrant in the beginning. Then at the end, you could mention something along the lines of you hoping to help others like you, so nobody will have to feel lost in the language world, just like you did in the early example?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,337 129  
Dec 11, 2008   #5
"Never say you failed without trying," I mumbled to myself in front of the mirror. I was about to host a Karaoke contest in English at the high school I attended in Hong Kong. It was a challenge for me to speak in front of the whole school, using my second language - English. I felt excited but nervous at the same time, because I did not consider myself capable of mastering this position.

My English teacher noticed my concern, and said, "Practice makes perfect. Have faith to overcome anything in your life." Her encouragement urged me to do my best. I practiced the dialogues every day after school with my teacher, and at home. I scratched out and added lines, rephrased, and added tone to my speech, making it more than just reading off a paper...

I helped parents and students translate when I worked in the counseling and parent support offices in school, I became more confident in communicating through English. This experience in overcoming English triggered me to become a translator to help people (Chinese?) with difficulties in speaking English.

Wow, you write better in English than many, many native speakers of English. You are awesome. Do you know that, if you perfect your language skills, you can make a lot of money as a freelance translator?


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