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'As an English major with a focus in English...' Japan Studies Program Essay

kaiya1969 1 / -  
Dec 29, 2013   #1
Hello! I plan on studying abroad for a semester in Japan and was wondering if anybody could critique my essay for me??? Here is the essay question: Please write a short essay describing your reasons for wishing to participate in the Japan Studies Program. Also include your goals or what you hope to accomplish in Japan.

As an English major with a focus in English as a Second Language and an Asian Studies minor, furthering my knowledge of the Japanese language and culture would greatly benefit my goal of someday teaching English in Japan and other parts of Asia. Working in a different country without understanding cultural differences is very risky, especially when working in a field such as teaching. By immersing myself in the Japanese society, I hope to learn social boundaries, manners, and what cultural differences. By participating in the Japan Studies Program, I hope to create a network of mentors and friends to make the transition from student to teacher more fluid. I hope to also further my language skills and I believe the best way to do so is through immersion. My academic objectives at TIU are to complete my Japanese language requirements for my Asian Studies minor, have one-on-one English teaching experience with native students, and take Japanese related courses that aren't available at my university such as Japanese Politics and Introduction to Community in Japan. While in Japan, I hope to further my understanding of the Japanese language and culture, build lasting relationships with fellow classmates, and gain a new experience with a culture that is so vastly different from my own. I hope to also travel and visit historical sites. I am very excited at the opportunity to participate in the Japan Studies Program and I feel that this program will provide me with the academic challenge and mentorship I need to further my Japanese language skills.
plee24 3 / 21 8  
Dec 30, 2013   #2
Overall, I like the amount of detail and concrete examples you gave to support your opinion, but it feels as though you're "laundry-listing": "I hope to learn boundaries, manners, cultural differences..." "I hope to create a network..." "I hope to also further my skills.." "I hope to further my understanding.." "I also hope to travel and visit..."

Try to vary your structure- in your nine sentences, "hope" is mentioned five times. Use synonyms like "aspire", "desire", "want", "look forward to", etc.

Other than that, good luck with the rest of your application!

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