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I always enjoyed the fashion world since I was a little girl. Fashion runs in my family.


ewi85 1 / 2  
Nov 9, 2014   #1
Hello , Im really desperate about my essay . Where I'm from with don't apply to college with essays . I'm not sure if my essay is good enough ?! If I have written enough or if my grammar is correct ! Every help,suggestion , correctour is appreciated . Thank u so much for taking the time to read my essay .

I'm coming from a multicultural family with German - Chilean background.
I always enjoyed the fashion world since I was a little girl. Fashion runs in my family.
My grandparents had their own business as dressmakers in Chile, they worked day and night to make beautiful tailored clothes for their costumers .
Since I was little I used to play with my grandmother's sawing machine she inherited from her grandmother , she taught me how to sew and how to make clothes for my dolls.

When I was 10 years old I moved with my parents to Germany.
In Germany I never had the opportunity or money to go into fashion school .
I thought a job in the fashion industry was something that I could never reach.
I kept fashion as my hobby, like an illusion , an unreachable dream.
After I finished school I decided to take a break from studying to start working like all my family did.
I was a server in a very upscale restaurant in Hamburg. Working hard paid off , after a few years I became a captain server and later an Assistant Manager. It was very rewarding financially but I still found myself not happy with what I was doing with my life and goals. Having always fashion in mind I remember my father telling me to pursue my dreams because is never too late to do so!

After 6 years of hard work I decided to take a break from everything and to spend some time on my own.
In September 2010 I came to New York City for three months. The main reason was to find myself, to take a break from my life in Germany and think about what I want to do with my life .

Soon I found myself dreaming again ,that is exactly what this city does to you , it allows you to dream and to pursue your dreams.

One day I walked around fashion avenue until I was standing right in front of FIT, knowing about your fashion school reputation I imidiately started to fantasize that one day I could attend this amazing school.

Back at home it only took me a few months after I decided to finally move to New York City to follow my dreams. I felt this was meant to happen to me. Since moving to New York City I have been pursuing and accomplished every single step I needed to apply to FIT.

Today I want to apply to your faculty because I think there is a lot of potential in me. I have been successful on reaching my goals, although it has taking me some time and there have been some hard times but I know I can succeed . This is why I think I'm the perfect candidate for FIT.

I would love to assist to the school of Business and Technology, therefor I choose Production Management: Fashion and related Industries. One of the many reasons I felt in love with this mayor is because it reflects my dream job in every single aspect.

I have a fascination with how things are made and I always find myself looking for ways to know how products come alive , I never give up searching for answers.

I'm interested in how products are manufactured , I want to understand the entire process of making a product. I'm inspired by the transformation, the development of ideas and resources.

For the past 3 years I have been working full-time ,going to school, and also finding ways and time to educate myself in fashion by reading books, magazines, visiting galleries and museums, watching videos, sawing, knitting, and experimenting on my own .

In order to validate my German educational grades I took two semesters of GED classes at CUNY University, in august 2014 I achieved the TASC/GED test . In December of 2014 I'm schedule to take the Toefl test .

I strongly believe that Fashion Institute Of Technology is the best place to get a degree in Fashion and provides the best Production Management: fashion and related industries program .

I know I can only reach my goals with a FIT education, to acquire the knowledge that I need, gain the experience and the vision to start my career.

It would be an honor to be considered one of your student. It's my life's dream....
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Nov 9, 2014   #2
Erika, I can sense your anxiety and strong desire to receive help. However, you forgot to upload the essay so I won't be able to help you just yet. Once you post the essay we can get started. Remember to post the essay prompt / question along with your essay so we can accurately review the content of the essay in terms of your response and other concerns. Don't be afraid. We are here to help you out. Be it with grammatical problems, sentence structures, word count problems, or even just the polishing of the content, we will make sure to assist you until you feel confident enough to submit your paper. Remember you do the writing, we do the helping :-) By working together, you should be able to accurately meet the essay requirements of the university :-) So please, upload the essay so we can get started with helping you calm your nerves :-)
OP ewi85 1 / 2  
Nov 9, 2014   #3
Thank you for getting back so fast . I can see my essay . Do you mind taking a look again ?
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Nov 9, 2014   #4
Erika, I can see the essay now. Where is the prompt or essay question you are trying to answer? I need to know what you are being asked so that I can tell if you are properly answering the prompt or not. Kindly supply it as soon as possible in the meantime, I will give you an overview of the essay. These are preliminary comments that will not affect the overall essay but need to be addressed in order to improve the essay just the same.

The first problem of your essay is that you are providing too much information that do not necessarily relate to each other as answers. I will be able to pick out which portions are actually necessary for your essay once you provide the prompt. Right now, we are going from a personal statement, to a statement of purpose, to an idea of how the school will be able to help you, all in one, long essay. Not all essays need to be this informative. Some of this information can be used in other common app essays that will accompany your application. So right now, we need to decide which portions to retain and which to delete, based upon the essay prompt from FIT.

I will reserve the rest of my comments and suggestions regarding grammar and content until after I have a clear idea of what we are dealing with in relation to the theme of the essay. I hope to read the prompt soon. I will try to get back to you as soon as I can :-) This is an excellent effort though. It just needs to be adjusted and tweaked in order to make it work better as an academic essay :-)
OP ewi85 1 / 2  
Nov 9, 2014   #5
Oh I'm so sorry :/ here it's :)
What makes you a perfect candidate for FIT? Why are you interested in the major you are applying to? We'd like you to tell us in an essay. This is your chance to tell us more about your experiences, activities and accomplishments. (No more than 750 words, please.)
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Nov 9, 2014   #6
Erika, I will be posting a whittled down version of your essay that makes it tighter and closer to prompt adherence. This is going to be the version that you can play around with and revise to better suit your needs. Here it goes :-)

I'm coming from a multicultural family with German - Chilean background.
I always enjoyed the fashion world since I was a little girl. Fashion runs in my family.
My grandparents had their own business as dressmakers in Chile, they worked day and night to make beautiful tailored clothes for their costumers .Since I was little I used to play with my grandmother's sawing machine she inherited from her grandmother , she taught me how to sew and how to make clothes for my dolls.

When I was 10 years old I moved with my parents to Germany. In Germany I never had the opportunity or money to go into fashion school .I thought a job in the fashion industry was something that I could never reach. I kept fashion as my hobby, like an illusion , an unreachable dream.

After I finished school I decided to take a break from studying to start working like all my family did. In September 2010 I came to New York City for three months. The main reason was to find myself, to take a break from my life in Germany and think about what I want to do with my life .

Soon I found myself dreaming again ,that is exactly what this city does to you , it allows you to dream and to pursue your dreams.One day I walked around fashion avenue until I was standing right in front of FIT, knowing about your fashion school reputation I imidiately started to fantasize that one day I could attend this amazing school.

Back at home it only took me a few months after I decided to finally move to New York City to follow my dreams. I felt this was meant to happen to me. Since moving to New York City I have been pursuing and accomplished every single step I needed to apply to FIT.

I would love to assist to the school of Business and Technology, therefor I choose Production Management: Fashion and related Industries. One of the many reasons I felt in love with this mayor is because it reflects my dream job in every single aspect.

I have a fascination with how things are made and I always find myself looking for ways to know how products come alive , I never give up searching for answers.

I'm interested in how products are manufactured , I want to understand the entire process of making a product. I'm inspired by the transformation, the development of ideas and resources.

For the past 3 years I have been working full-time ,going to school, and also finding ways and time to educate myself in fashion by reading books, magazines, visiting galleries and museums, watching videos, sawing, knitting, and experimenting on my own .

I strongly believe that Fashion Institute Of Technology is the best place to get a degree in Fashion and provides the best Production Management: fashion and related industries program .


This version comes in at 491 words. I want you to review this essay. I removed the portions that are unimportant to your application in order to provide you with more room to develop other aspects of your essay. Which aspects should you improve? Your review of the essay should show you the portions you would want to improve or expand upon. I can't tell you which portions that should be. Take your time in revising the essay. We have time to polish it :-) No rush necessary.


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