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'enjoyed studying the human mind' - Help with Common App Essay

monjinho 2 / 1  
Jan 29, 2012   #1
This is the essay for the Common app personal essay.
I don't like it very much because I had to write it really quickly.
I would definitely appreciate some help, especially on the grammar and transitions.
Here it is:

Since I was young, I enjoyed studying the human mind and finding common trends that make us similar from each other. One of the things I have discovered from my observations is that most of us seem to unconsciously categorize a person in to a certain group quite easily. For example, we might suspect that a pianist's son is naturally talented in music or a doctor's daughter is smarter than others. What fascinated me more than the fact that we naturally make these speculations is actually the response of the victim after a long period of the repeated misconception. I have noticed that as his or her peers continue to misinterpret the person's personality or interests, the person slowly morphs into that character, shaping themselves into the person everyone expects. While this response might not apply to every single person who fell to misconception, I've noticed one person in particular that it impacted: me.

I am a missionary kid. That means that my parents are missionaries and that I belong in the 'missionary family.' Growing up, I've noticed a number of different perspectives on how missionaries are perceived. People who do not understand our beliefs would stare at us with disturbed eyes, probably wondering on how much someone has to be brainwashed by religion to waste their life in a country no one cares about. Others, who have actually seen what we do or share our beliefs, might say that we are good people; someone willing to do what nobody else wanted to. Growing up around people who respected our family seemed to make the second response the more common one.

The common misconception that came from people who appreciated our family was that I had an exceptionally caring mind. It was as if I was carrying a rare potential, a bright torch of love and hope that might end war and bring peace around the globe. As a child, I would simply deny the expectations and explain that what I do is just a natural part of my life. However, as I began maturing, I started to notice that I was changing. The activities that I called a natural part of my life were becoming involuntary. I was unconsciously fixing a mask for myself, a display that would satisfy my peers' expectations and sustain me in the position as the 'nice' kid. I could no longer find joy in doing what I called a natural part of my life. I soon realized that the only way I could return to my original motivations in my volunteered acts was to reevaluate my true intentions on why I was doing what I was doing.

This unusual experience has taught me something that I will remember for the rest of my life. I have learned that although we humans are similar in the ways we think, we all need to have our own purposes and goals in life. We are easily influenced by society to act or think in a certain way, but we need to realize that what we do needs to come out of our own motivations and intentions. I believe that this is what separates us from each other, creating a society where we can find true creativity and uniqueness.

Well, that's it.
Thanks in advance!!
unjh4545 4 / 11  
Jan 29, 2012   #2
You used 'missionary' a lot in this essay. Well, redundancy is not good in college essay... you need to find different words or paraphrase the sentences.

Like here: I am a missionary kid. That means that my parents are missionaries and that I belong in the 'missionary family.'
In these two sentences, you used the word "missionary" 3 times already... use thesaurus or dictionary to find better words.

And when I was writing my common app essay, I did have a title for my essay. I don't know how you submit your essay thesedays (for me, it was uploading system), if their system as when I was using it, have a title that sum up your essay in 3-4 words.

Hope this helps...

p.s. I see that you're korean... me too :) good luck!

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