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'Enough Is As Good As A Feast' - Common App Essay-An Important Person, a student of mine


Aida_six 1 / 2  
Nov 12, 2009   #1
Hi. it's my first time to post my essay here, and I really, really need help.
I'm not a native speaker so if there is anything sound strange in my essay please tell me and help me.
Thank you!

Indicate a person who had a significant influence on you and describe that influence. I would appreciate any feedback and/or suggestions.

Father's quote: Enough Is As Good As A Feast



'My father died when I was six. He said that he had earned enough money to pay off the debt and could even buy several new clothes for us. But he never came back.' A-twelve-year-old student calmly and quietly told me.

She was a Grade Five student in a charity school where I taught as a voluntary teacher. The school offers students from poor families the opportunity to go to school. In my first week there, she was in charge of cleaning my dormitory every day. She was always willing to help me get to know the place that I was going to stay for two months. She also loved telling me interesting things, but she never finished them before she could hold back her laughter. Happy and contented little girl as she, I had never expected such an astonishing answer that her father died years ago and since then her mother is the only support in the whole family. 'But everything is still fine now. I get the chance to go to school and learn stuff; my sister will get a job soon and can pay off the debts together with my mom; we have enough clothes and food. Nothing is dissatisfactory' She continued, with her the eyes full of hope and contentment.

I began to think about myself after she left my room that day. My parents would always be right beside me whenever I needed help. The money was always sufficient. And we, the big whole family, could have every meal together, spend every warm night together and celebrate every important moment together. Everything seemed perfect to me but I had never been satisfied. I always wanted more. I wanted more clothes even though my wardrobe was already full. I wanted more shoes even though I had just bought two pairs months ago. I wanted a new cell phone even though the last one still worked normally. I wanted ... I wanted...And the most ironical thing is that my motto is 'Enough is as good as a feast.' but I have never treated it in the way that a motto should be treated. Look at what I had done! I felt terrible about myself when I realized how insatiable I was. And the most shameful thing was that I need a 12-year-old girl to help me realize my mistake. Although I really did something to pay back the society: I raised money in the street when the snow storm and earthquake hit last year; I visit the Senior's House every weekend to take care of the old, measuring their blood pressure and singing for them. And now I came to this school, hoping to do something for the children. But despite all these I had done, maybe I forget the first and basic step: be truly gratified and satisfied.

That night lying in my bed, I suddenly realized that it indeed was shameful for me to have kept demanding all these years. But it was not too late. The next day, I woke up early and wrote a letter to my parents. Though the words were incoherent in my first letter, I wholeheartedly expressed my regret and gratitude. I appreciated their selfless love and support for me and regretted my unthankful and gluttonous attitude, truly contented with my material life. I said 'Thank You' again and again. Though I was always saying these two words, I knew this time was totally because this time, I said 'Thank You' with my whole heart. I truly felt grateful; I truly felt regretful; I truly felt contented.

The last day in charge of cleaning my dormitory, she was still that happy and contented little girl, keeping telling me about interesting things and still unable to finish them before she could hold back her laughter. And when she was putting away the broom and about to leave, I asked her my last questions: 'Why are you so happy? I mean, don't you have to worry about your present hard condition?' I regretted asking her the moment I let out my questions, which seemed too hard and cruel for a 12-year-old girl to answer. But she just blinked her-full-of-hope-and-contentment eyes and said 'Well, maybe because everything is great enough for me already. You know, enough is as good as a feast.'

I was greatly surprised the moment she said my motto, but just in the next second, I knew that she was the one who truly understands the words and treats them in a way that a motto should be treated.

And so am I now.

Again. Thank you for reading!
sandeepsista 1 / 3  
Nov 12, 2009   #2
Hi,

1. You have taken it well in the begining but some where in the second para i got lost.
You can start like:

"She was a young girl full of enthusiasm...so on and so forth. This was you are making the story intresting and projecting the qualities that made their mark on you.

2. A person who has left his/her mark in your life will be cherished life long. I gues you can get a situation into the essay that demonstartes your learnings from the child and how you are taking it forward long after she is gone...

3. I like the title of the essay...and it matches with the last para...but may be you can rethink of structuring the essay in a way the you start with the last and then tell your story...

e.g

Start with

"'Why are you so happy? I mean, don't you have to worry about your present hard condition?' I regretted asking her the moment I let out my questions, which seemed too hard and cruel for a 12-year-old girl to answer. But she just blinked her-full-of-hope-and-contentment eyes and said 'Well, maybe because everything is great enough for me already. You know, enough is as good as a feast.'

She was a girl full of entusiasm and her eyes full of hope and contentment...her name was ...who used to clean my dorm every day.

Hope you get what i mean!

all the best!

good luck with the essay.
OP Aida_six 1 / 2  
Nov 12, 2009   #3
Thank you!.
I did try to highlight the girl's character but I always did not get it right.
You really help me a lot.!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 12, 2009   #4
She also loved telling me interesting things, but she never finished them, because she could hold back her laughter. A happy and content little girl, she astonished me when she told me that he r father died years ago and that her mother is the only support in the whole family.

Lying in my bed that night, I suddenly realized that it indeed was shameful for me to have kept demanding all these years. ..-------> oh, the rest of this paragraph is so touching and truthful. I think you should not change that paragraph at all!

The quickest way to improve this essay is to add a great thesis sentence near the beginning. Let the reader know that this piece of writing is about appreciation.
OP Aida_six 1 / 2  
Nov 13, 2009   #5
Thank you Kevin!
Your words really encouraged me.
Is it a bit too long?
should I cut it shorter?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 14, 2009   #6
Yes, always make the final draft shorter than the first draft. Less is more. Find ways to cut out unnecessary sentences. Think about the experience of the reader.


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