This is a draft of a UBC personal application question, and I was wondering how I could improve it. Any feedback is appreciated :)
hard work leads to success
The most important qualities for me are taking the initiative and hard work because I believe that these qualities are imperative for success. In grade 10, I decided that I wanted to enrich my learning, and I went to an extracurricular math class. As I joined mid-way through the year, I was not caught up on topics the class had covered, and every lesson was challenging to understand. I remember the first unit I learned there was about quadratic word problems. Without prior knowledge of solving parabolas, I was left with the responsibility of figuring out how to do so because the class was moving through the content quickly. I remember thinking every time I went that I wanted to quit because of the amount of work involved; however, I stuck with it. I worked hard by doing additional homework I found online, in addition to assigned work, and eventually succeeded in solving quadratic word problems.
If I had quit when I thought the work was too much, I would not be as successful in mathematics today. For instance, after attending the math class for a few months, my hard work started to show results, and I saw a steady rise in test marks. These marks eventually bumped me up from 80% to a final grade of 86% in precalculus 11. From this experience, I learned that success does not come without hard work, as well as that one must take the initiative for their education to succeed in school.
Hi there. Thanks for coming to the site! I hope that this feedback of mine gives you an idea on how to improve your writing.
I appreciate the straightforward approach in the first paragraph. You were clear in what the important qualities meant to you - and this was echoed throughout the rest of your writing. As for the latter parts of the text, I find that you needed to hammer down more on experiences that are more relevant. For example, while you may find the need to talk about your experiences in the 10th grade, they don't really have much of a bearing in today's time because it's quite an outdated experience. Try to add more relevant and up-to-date experiences.
Aside from that, I think you're heading in the right direction. Keep this up!