getting this program would give me the opportunity to go to college, so please be honest and critical so i can make it better in every way.
Thank you!
The first day I started ninth grade, one of the school's guidance counselor came in our first class and sang to us about our future. That's right, sang. The song he picked was very inspirational, The Greatest Love of All by Whitney Houston. And though it made us laugh, the message behind it stayed with us. As ninth graders we were at the bottom of the totem pole, but as humans, we were in charge of how the world was going to turn out. There was one slight problem. I had no idea what I wanted to with my life. Did I want to be a psychologist? Perhaps a teacher? Maybe even a biochemist. At point in my life, I didn't know nor cared. I was young and I still had years before I had to finalize my thoughts. Tenth grade soon started after that, and my singing guidance counselor was now singing to other kids. I was enjoying my classes, spending most of my time in the medical academy, fascinated by the things we learned in Sports Injury/ Nutrition. When the year ended, I decided to stay in the academy and see what else I could love to learn. By eleventh grade I was in love with the medical aspect of life. My academy classes were the ones I cherishes, learning so much more in First Responder then I ever did in Trigonometry. We studied EMT's and their duties, even had mock scenes with fake patients. We would go to FMTI (Florida Medical Training Institute) and learn along side firefighters/paramedics. We went to visit Trauma Hawk and shadowed the nurses on call and that's when I realized what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to be a nurse, and just a hospital nurse but a NAVY nurse. I followed that passion and went to talk to NAVY officers about what my future would look like if I did join. The description and picture painted in my mind fit perfectly. Everyday would be something new, I would travel and heal. I started volunteering at the community hospital once a week and would rotate shifts with the nurses. One day I was on the ER floor, taking blood pressure and an accurate medical history and the next I was giving hope to a terminally ill patient, speaking to her in French, making her laugh. I got certified in CPR for both kids and adult and become a Certified Medical Administrative Assistant. The Summer Bridge Program could help me fulfill my dream of being a NAVY nurse, of going to college in general. My parents can't be there to help me the way this program could. I may not be the best student but I am very passionate about the things I want to accomplish and the C.A.R.E. Summer Bridge Program would be the greatest thing I could ever ask for. FSU is a fantastic school and I would love to be able to learn all that I could in my field of interest at Florida State.
You do not have parallel structure:Starting high school was like starting a brand new life. You could completely rearrangechange yourself, changed your style,or your studying and no one couldwould say anything.
The freedom, along with the responsibility that accompanied life at universities, was a concept I found thrilling.
I started looking into universities and colleges, trying to find which one would fit my personality better and.thenThen , lo and behold,I found Florida State University was found .
This sentence is kind of confusing:I was ready to share with my parents what my future would hold when they told me that unless I get a full ride to college, I would not be able to go to FSU nor to any other college.
This sentence seems too wordy:The program seemed amazing, with first student generation scholarships, academics advising and counseling, introduction to staff and previous members of that program, and free tutorial service.
Alright, thank you so much!
Is there anything you think i should add, should i make it longer, shorter?
Is the essay itself decent?
Please be completly honest, because this program decides whether or not i get in.
Open to all criticism, thank you!
I had to explain why i wanted the CARE program.
Trim away the excess words:
The first day I started ninth grade, one of the school's guidance counselor came in to our first class and sang to us about our future.
At point in my life, I neither knew nor cared.
Did I want to be a psychologist? Perhaps a teacher? Maybe even a biochemist. --- these details are not necessary... they are just sort of random and redundant. As quickly as you can at the beginning of this, make your point and then end the first paragraph.
Then, continue the explanation in paragraph 2. As quickly as you can in para #1, tell them your INTENTION, and then end the first paragraph.
That is the most important change to make, I think.
:-)
