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I was enthralled by the things I saw in the USA for the first time in my life - Personal Statement


Thenewimmigrant 1 / -  
Jun 26, 2015   #1
Hey guys I need some help on grammar and feedback on my prompt.

Describe the world you come from:

As I walked out of San Francisco International Airport, I immediately wrapped my hands around me as I felt the cold air I never felt before. Feeling a cold summer breeze is really unusual for someone who grew up from the tropical country of the Philippines. It is also unusual for me to see a lot of pine trees instead of coconut trees around the area. I was so amazed of the things I saw that day that I have never seen before in my sixteen years of life. That day marked me as it officially changed my life.

It's been nine months since I immigrated here in the United States. I came here with my whole family and left everything behind back in the Philippines to start a new life here. It was my grandfather's dream to bring all of his family here in America and he did not fail. We all live together in a low-income apartment. Our 3-bedroom apartment has nine occupants and it exceeds the maximimum household members without the management's consent. One of my grandfather's last wishes is to see his family living together before his dies and we are currently granting this wish to him.

My father left his job as an engineer and my mother pursued an early retirement just to take this opportunity to move here. Despite of their old age they believed that there are still greener pasteurs for their family. Their chances of providing a good and bright future for me and my sister was inhibited by their age and their limited mastery of the English language. I watched my parents moan as they suffer stress and body pain every night just to support us. Their zeal and ambition are being held back and I watched it fall apart. The only thing I could do is to give my full support in finding the jobs they need. I helped them with translations, understand job descriptions and have made them a resume. My sister, on the other hand, stopped attending college and worked thirteen hours everyday just to support us.

As a fresh graduate from high school in the Philippines, I had to go back to high school as a junior because of the difference in the educational system. I had no idea of what it is like to be a student here in America and I find it difficult to adjust. I had to walk to school everyday because I have no money to take the bus before my parents found jobs. I got picked by my fellow peers and they often took advantage of me. I felt alone and lonely and I just think that not a lot of people are given a chance to live the American dream and experience its opportunities.

I am hoping that someday I would get my family away from poverty and it made me consider going to college. However, I just started my life here and it came to me that I dont have a very strong chance of competing against students who have been here all their lives. These factors affected the courses I could take and as well as my standardized test scores. It would be very difficult for someone like me to compete against all other applicants who want to be admitted to big universities and qualify for scholarships and it left me feeling hopeless.

I realized that this is not going to stop me from dreaming big. I have much to owe my family for bringing me here and I will piece their shattered dreams with my unskilled hands. I made friends and I learned to become active in extra-curricular activities. I joined Filipino Club, California Scholarship Federation and badminton. I am also an honoured Questbridge College Prep Scholar and also did a summer internship with our school district. This school year I hope to join more clubs and make the most of the available advance classes I could take to prove that I can be one of the students who can recieve scholarships and be accepted to prestigious universities. Not a lot of students get to have the opportunity to go back to high school and make the most of the second chance given. In less than a year, I proved that someone like me who just came here can be someone who can change the world.

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lcturn87 - / 435 236  
Jun 26, 2015   #2
I can help suggest some changes you can make to your essay. When you begin the essay, you should change me to "myself" and place "have" before never. When you use the word amazed in the 1st paragraph, you should change "of" to "regarding".

State that you "immigrated to" the United States. Place a comma after behind and Philippines. When you describe that you are coming to America, you should use "here to America". There are some sentences that could be rearranged. When you state information about management, this is personal. Each sentence about your grandfather should be together in this paragraph, so the reader can understand your ideas in your story.

Another change that could be made are the details about your father and his former job. These details belong in the paragraph in which you talk about your grandfather. That paragraph discusses the details about your immigration and this detail is important in explaining that journey.

Before I continue to assist you, I need to know if the rest of your story happened in the past. Some of the story has information that is described in the past and present which makes it difficult to understand. There could be simple changes made to your story, such as changing the verbs from the present to the past tense. This could really help make your essay better.


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