Hey guys can you please look over my statement and give me some instructions on how to improve it? I'm worried about it because this is my second year in america and i'm not so confident about my english. Thanks!
Prompt #2
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are? *
As is known to all, personality is the thing that makes you who you are. From my point of view, it's the only thing that makes us all different. Personalities, characteristic, qualities, those are the things that make each one of us unique and therefore make our lives interesting. God gave us the gifts to make us different from other species on the earth and that finally made us the dominator. And of course, everyone has his own outstanding quality. For me, the most important quality is that I always care about my friends and treat them as the most important things in life.
My personality brought me a lot of friends and my ability of thinking in someone else's perspective made me always the more mature one at my age and always think before I act. As a matter of fact, I always do as much as possible to avoid hurting my friends' feelings. Because I believe that relationship is the most important thing and also the best part of one's life. With that, we can have somebody to talk to, to love, to care about and to share our feelings with. We help each other and we share our joys and tears.
I have always been there whenever my friends need me even since i was a teenager. When they have some issues with somebody or get stuck in something, they often come to me for help and I' m usually be the problem solver. Most of the time I will come up with a solution to their problem and did the best I can to make them make the right decision, In the end, they will usually leave with satisfaction. It always makes me feel relieved when I appease them and stop a mindless fight between them or see them smile again.
Just like I said, friend is about helping and caring about each other. There are times that you stuck in something yourself and it's pretty hard for you to see the things the way they should be seen to make the right decision. And that's the time my friends will come out and provide help for me, and that is what friend is all about.
Although some people called me dumb due to the fact that I devoted most of my time on helping and hanging around with my friends and family. But I never regret what I did and I'm certainly proud of it, because that makes me who I am. Just like what they said: "To friends, You don't have to be smart, but you need to be patient; maybe you don't have to be patient, but you need to be honest; or you even don't have to be honest all the time, but anyway, you must treasure them." I might not a genius, I don't have any special talents . But what I have, what I gain are priceless - friendship, happiness, and respect.
In fact, I suggest writing a new essay, a narrative essay, in which you show the quality you only tell about in this one. You can add a sentence or two later to explicitly state the quality to meet the prompt, but for now, just focus on writing a story (based on your real experiences) in which your concern for your friends is obvious.
I like both of these ideas. mzn528--tell us a specific story related to this theme of friends, a very significant experience that you had. But keep your underlying points about your values, etc. They're really unique, and I think it's so great that you are brave enough to mention them in your essay. There are few out there who both have this quality AND are brave enough to be honest about it in their college essays.
If you are looking to get into a particularly prestigious UC (like UCLA, Berkeley, actually all of them are getting more and more applicants each year so they're all getting pretty competitive though obviously those two are the hardest), you may want to take out the sentences that suggest anything against academics. In fact I would definitely revise this sentence--
I might not a genius, I don't have any special talents . But what I have, what I gain are priceless - friendship, happiness, and respect.
Perhaps make it "I may not be a genius, but what I have and what I gain are priceless-friendship, happiness, and respect." This is honest, yet less negative. It's just never a good idea to put yourself down academically in a college application essay. There is so much good about you that you shouldn't spend any time focusing on the bad. :)
