So for my application for school to be accepted or even processed I have to write an essay that say why I have chosen this program of study. I have written two types only because mom ripped a part the first one whihc might have been needed but I feel like there is no meat in it at all. I will post both versions
Essay Version #1
I started out my college life at College Name here feeling that a diploma in Visual Communication would be the thing for me. As I continued to go there and take my classes and got closer to my graduation date something accorded to me that though I did my work and completed all of it I just wasn't happy doing what I was doing in class and it hit me that I also wouldn't be happy doing it for a living. Did I really want to see myself still in this position several years from now miserable and unhappy with what I was doing?
I was on my break from school during the summer with one more class left to go until it hit me what I actually wanted to do with my life. I was on vacation with my boyfriend and his family and while I was playing with their golden retriever, Thunder, I noticed that he wasn't to found of my playing with one of his ears. Which was odd for him since he never mind me touching his ear before. I had my boyfriend hold him still as I looked at his ear; he has what seemed to be a pillow in his ear. It was of course causing him pain and he wasn't happy with me just looking at it. It quickly hit me what it could have possibly been, ear hematoma collection of blood and fluid between the skin and cartilage of the ear. They quickly to him to the vet to have it looked at and I received a message that I was right about it.
I just wanted to be with animals and to be able to help them. I remember when I was younger that's what I always wanted to do through out the years and sometime during my high school days something changed that feeling and that was why I perused another career that I was sure that I wanted in my mind but it was something that I wasn't passionate about. My Visual Communication professor always told us that we had to be passionate about our work to be able to make it in the web design business. Where I was heading now wasn't going to be what was going to make me happy in the end, I was never going to be as passionate about it. I did want to leave something unfinished so I completed my last class and began to research a new school.
I've always have grown up with animals from zebra finches to horses my house has always been filled with animals. At one point in time my grandfather owned over twenty huskies that he used for a sled dog team. When I was in 4-H we used to volunteer with animals like even offering discount rabies shot for the people in the county, cleaned up habitats, and worked with horses. I used to read up on all breeds of dogs and cats in the past. I've been an owner of a horse for the past thirteen years and even have been out with our vet Dr. Taff to help give horses and other animals their shots and other care that they need.
After researching college name here I am confident that this college and program is the right step for me. I love all animals whether they are furry or scaly. I love the idea of using what we're learning to help the community giving us the change to interact with the real world. I like being able to learn with all types of animals including the livestock. Everything that I have found about this college has made me excited to want to be apart of it and that I can also start working towards my new career of being a vet technician I am a very devoted, hard working person and if I am accepted into the Vet Tech program, I will spend the next two years being the best student I can possibly be.
Essay Version# 2 (this is after mom ripped apart the one above)
I started out my college life at Collge name here feeling that a diploma in Visual Communication was a career that I wanted to pursue. As I got closer to my graduation date I realized that even though I enjoyed working with computers my real passion was not computers but animals.
I have always have grown up with animals from zebra finches to horses the house was always filled with animals. When I was in 4-H I would volunteer in the rabies vaccination program, cleaned up habitats, and worked with horses. While I was doing this I was forming a closer bond with animals.
Growing up I enjoy reading about all breeds of dogs and cats and at one time had checked out every book from the library. I've been an owner of a horse for thirteen years having to raise a horse from six weeks of age. During high school I had the opportunity to shadow Dr. Taff, I assisted Dr Taff with vaccinating horses and small animals. This sparked my interest more in the medical field of animals.
I am confident that College name here vet tech program is the right step towards a rewarding career working with animals. The school is close to my home, affordable and covers care of a wide variety of animals. Giving me the skills needed to assist in animal care .I love all animals whether they are furry or scaly. I love the idea of using what I learn to help the community, giving good care to pets. I like being able to learn about all types of animals including livestock. I am a very devoted, hard working person and if I am accepted into the Vet Tech program, I will spend the next two years being the best student I can possibly be.
Cut as much excess as possible:
out my college life at College Name Here feeling that a diploma in Visual Communication was a career that I wanted to pursue. ---Ah, with all due respect to your mom, I really prefer "the thing for me." That shows personality and makes it lively.
That first paragraph is still all information and no sensation, no imagery or feeling, no punch to the stomach. I want you to precede that whole thing with a sentence that does something unexpected.. a totally witty way to say you had an insight about visual com. vs. animals.
If you don't know what I mean, ask your mom. She must be a good editor, because she cut a lot. Good editors cut a lot, and it always is helpful. But I bet you did not like it! :-)
Now at the end of the intro para I think you should add a sentence, too. I think it should have a sentence added to both the beginning (like I described above) and the end. The sentence you add to the end of the first paragraph is a thesis statement -- a sentence that expresses the overal meaning of the essay, the soul of the essay, IN A SINGLE SENTENCE.
Can your whole essay be captured in a sentence?