'the Entrepreneur Club' - USC Supplement ~ Academic Interest

In approximately one paragraph (1000 characters or less), please address the following prompt:
Describe your academic interests and how you plan to pursue them at USC. Please feel free to address your first- and second-choice major selections.

Seeing a wind turbine up close lit my desire to start my own environmental technology business. It made me realize that I, like the owner of the wind farm to which it belonged, could run a company that could stem the effects of climate change. While pursuing a Marshall School of Business BS BA, I would take upper-division electives at the Lloyd Grief Center and join the Entrepreneur Club to prepare to be a successful business owner. To gain experience with tech start-ups, I plan to get an internship or two through the Center for Technology Commercialization. Driven by my interest in environmental issues, I will get involved in various sustainability programs too. Marshall being a four-year school leaves enough room in my schedule so I can pursue my passions for film production - by taking part in Annenberg's TV News and Cinematic Arts' classes and student projects, and for history and geography - by taking Dornsife classes. Combined, these factors make USC my top choice for college.

I think your essay could use some more elaboration on your possible internships and sustainability programs that you want to get involved in. It allows the admissions office at USC to get a better sense of who you are and obviously you are passionate about this major so I think it would make your essay better if you just included more personality into it. Hope this helped :-)

Thanks for the feedback!
Here, I revised it:

Seeing a wind turbine up close lit my desire to start an environmental technology business. It made me realize that I, like the owner of the wind farm to which the turbine belonged, could run a company that hinders climate change. To prepare to manage my own business, I plan to take full advantage of the upper-division electives and Entrepreneur Club at the Marshall School of Business' Lloyd Grief Center. I will also secure an internship or two through the Center for Technology Commercialization to gain experience with start-up technology companies. Driven by my interest in environmental issues, I will get involved in various USC Sustainability programs like SEE as well. Marshall, as a four-year business school, will provide room in my schedule to pursue my other passions, video production and history, by joining Annenberg TV News and Cinematic Arts classes and student projects and taking Dornsife classes, respectively. Together, all these factors make USC the college of my dreams.

(996 characters)

What do you think?