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"My Enviornment: Family, Culture, and School" - UC Prompt 1

saroth 11 / 47  
Nov 23, 2010   #1
Prompt:Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

The environment from which one comes from determines a person's respective personalities and qualities. In the same way, the environment from which I come from has helped determine not only my personality and qualities, but also my dreams and aspirations. My environment consists not only of my family and school but also of a harmonious balance between my Indian and American cultures. There's an old saying that summarizes this concept, "one who stays near vermilion gets stained red, and one who stays near ink gets stained black".

I consider myself "lucky" because I've always been able to stay near good vermillion, my parents. My parents have not only helped me stay focused on my schoolwork, but have also instilled in a diverse Indian culture which has harmoniously blended with my American values to define me as who I am today. My American culture has come easily enough over the course of many years, but my Indian culture is a different issue altogether. Although the threat of being punished for not speaking Telugu (my mother tongue) at home is often aggravating, I began to comprehend its value when my family and I went to India two summers ago and I saw how pleasantly surprised my grandparents, relatives, and friends were that I could speak Telugu and knew my traditions so well. The traditions and values that were passed on and instilled in me by my parents have taught me to be proud of my priceless heritage.

My father has been one of my greatest sources of inspiration. I found it bothersome to be woken up at 4:00 in morning by the sound of my father talking on the phone with a client in Europe or Asia in the other room, but I now understand that he works so hard so that my sister and I may have a better life than he did. As the second oldest child of five, my father had to start taking care of his family of seven at a very young age and because of financial shortcomings he had to abandon his dream of studying medicine. He took my family and left India for America to not only secure a better life for us, but to also give me and my sister a head start in life, a luxury I don't plan on wasting. The story of my father's struggle continues to inspire me and has taught me to be determined, aspiring, and most importantly to never give up.

My schooling plays an important role in my life. I value the amazing opportunity I have to be studying in America, an opportunity that even some of the best students in India do not have. My education not only gives me a rigorous academic instruction, but also instills in me a sense of self-confidence, creativity, optimism, and humility. This has allowed me to explore the various academic opportunities available to me such that my school has been a launching pad for my dreams and aspirations. The simple freedom of being able to choose between Chemistry and Physics has been instrumental in leading me to my dream of being an engineer. Now when I prepare for a shot during soccer practice, I immediately pay attention to the angle of my foot and after kicking the ball I take notice of the curve created by the ball's motion and try to calculate its acceleration. After the shot scores or fails I wonder why it did what it did. This curiosity and inquisitive nature have made me who I am today and will define me as the engineer I will one day be.

My environment has shaped me into who I am now and might one day become. My parents, my culture, and my school have taught me the value of hard work, determination, confidence, and the most importantly the courage to never give up. It is with these values that I will pursue my dreams and aspirations in college and in life.

My only major worries regarding my essay are that it is a bit broad, but I think that all of these factors are important in describing me. Also I'm at 752 words, which is okay but that only leaves me with about 250 or so words for my second essay, so anything you guys thing can help limit word count would be very helpful.

OP saroth 11 / 47  
Nov 23, 2010   #2
I really need help reducing the word count and seeing if it makes sense. I just wrote my second one and the word count is like 200 words over the 1000 word limit. Also, let me know how the essays comes off, like does it make sense, does it say something special about me, and etc. Thanks.
OP saroth 11 / 47  
Nov 24, 2010   #3
Can someone help me narrow the essay down. I mean, ny second essay is just about perfect so I can't really cut out words, I need to narrow this one to maybe just my dad and school or something. Thanks.
marinac 2 / 9  
Nov 24, 2010   #4
I like your topic.

To lessen your word count I think the "(because it's morning for them)" is unnecesary.

I like your confidence that you "will be an engineer", rather than aspire to be.

Think about what you want the main point to be. Is it mainly your father's influence? If so you could take out some of the details on the rest of your family to edit the length.

Overall it is very well written and says a lot about your readiness to take on college.
meg0114 - / 3  
Nov 24, 2010   #5
OK, I'm not trying to accuse you of anything and I'm sure there's an explanation, but the first part of your essay sounds plagiarized from this essay from two years ago.
EF_Team [Moderator] 41 / 222 15  
Nov 24, 2010   #6
sounds plagiarized from this essay

Good catch, now we can see who is a plagiarizer here..
OP saroth 11 / 47  
Nov 25, 2010   #7
hmmm...that's pretty coincedental, almost creepily cool except for the fact that I now look like I plagarized. I found the saying in a proverb book we used for an English project last year and I thought it was kinda cool and did part of my project on that quote. And as for the rest, it just seemed basic knowledge to write it that way, since my family has had a huge impact on me since we came from India. Do you think I should change it so it doesn't sound plagarized???...or what??
jc2015 1 / 2  
Nov 25, 2010   #8
that's definitely a chinese proverb and it has its origin back to 2500 years ago
OP saroth 11 / 47  
Nov 25, 2010   #9
that's what i'm saying, the book we used compiled a vast number of proverbs from the past (chinese, african, japanese, indus valley, and from various other ancient civilizations).
OP saroth 11 / 47  
Nov 28, 2010   #10
BUMP? Any more comments on MY Essay. I made a few edits. I still need to remove a lot of words (around 36) and please let me know how it sounds and if it says something about me. Also does the part about me talking about the soccer ball's accelereation, angle, and everything help and/or does it need to be removed or cut down. All other comments are welcome, please be CRITICAL, this is my final edit since I'm probably applying today. THANKS
OP saroth 11 / 47  
Nov 28, 2010   #11
Sorry but my deadline is really close, so anymore suggestions would be extremely helpful. Does the saying...

"one who stays near vermilion gets stained red, and one who stays near ink gets stained black".

really help my essay or is it just empty words. Also, my friends told me the transition in my last body paragraph is abrupt when I talk about the freedom to choose between chemistry and physics, and then quickly jump into talking about my inquisitive and curious nature in soccer. So is there any way to fix this or get around it. Thanks a lot.
TheNextOne21 - / 1  
Nov 28, 2010   #12
Pretty sure you need to change a majority of your essay to avoid plagiarism.
OP saroth 11 / 47  
Nov 28, 2010   #13
I definetely didn't copy it, I didn't even know someone else wrote it like mine. My family has been an inspiration to me so I wrote it this way, and the link all of you are posting doesn't even talk about school (especially physics), soccer, and most importanly Engineering. And rhere are so many websites and books (where I got it from) that have the proverb at the beggining of my essays. If you still doubt me the book I used was: "Proverbs, Songs, Epic Narratives, Folktales of East Asia", ISBN: 0761807500. We used this book in addition to 2 other ones to do our english projects last year.
swtlildee 5 / 19  
Nov 28, 2010   #14
I definetely didn't copy it, I didn't even know someone else wrote it like mine. My family has been an inspiration to me so I wrote it this way,

You seem very sincere and I believe that you didn't copy it :)
However, the similarity of the essays does point to something: the subject you have written about and the way in which you have written it are stereotypical. It may be a sign that your essay could use more originality and "you" to set it apart from the myriad of other essays detailing the same content.

Just a thought :)
james23 3 / 8  
Nov 28, 2010   #15
I Think is good, but the majority of your is plagiarize. I think you should come up with your own ideas... well you can keep it is great.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 4, 2010   #16
Hey, most of this is very different from the other essay. The only part that is tough to get around is this sentence: I consider myself "lucky" because I've always been able to stay near good vermillion, my parents. It is such a unique sentence that I think you should remove it because of the fact that it was written that way in the older essay. Very weird things happen sometimes!

I'm sorry, your deadline probably already passed. For what it is worth, I think it is not "empty words" ... you used the quote well. But you should mention vermilion one more time in the conclusion.

I hope you got in!


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