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How my environment shaped my dreams to be a dentist


yangsk8er 1 / 2  
Nov 12, 2009   #1
Please give me feedback on my personal statement. I really appreciate it. This is for the 1st prompt. Thanks :)

Born in California, I am the second child in my family of five. My parents were both in Indonesia and migrated here during their teen years to pursue their education. Migrated to the states was not easy for my parents. They had to juggle both work and studies to support themselves; they also had to learn English from scratch. My mother and father came from very big families. My mother had six other siblings and my father, five. Their parents taught them to be independent and disciplined ever since they were born so that they can grow up to be successful people. Even though, there are many things they want to tryout such as sports and other extra curriculum activities, they did not have the opportunity and time to do so. Compared to my parents, my brothers and I are fortunate to have the opportunity to explore our interests and still do well in school.

To my parents, school is top priority above everything else. However, they didn't want us to just concentrate on books alone. They enrolled us in various activities such as tennis, swimming, dance and figure skating. When we got older, my parents let us pick our favorite. Fortunately, all three of us love the same sport, figure skating, which made it easier for my parents to drive us around. My parents always told us that we can only skate if we do well in school and so we would always hurry and study so that we can go out and enjoy skating. Being a figure skater, I suffered many injuries that brought me twice to the emergency hospital and others, many visits to the doctor's office. These setbacks never decreased my love for the sport but it really sparked my interest in the world of medicine.

I have many relatives who are of the medical profession and they are also part of reason I want to pursue medicine. One of my aunts, Dr. Maria Sulindro, is a graduate from UCLA medical school from sports medicine and specializes in Anti-Aging and natural products. She is my doctor who helped me with most of my many injuries. Watching her work, I always admire how she can be so enthusiastic and happy with her profession while helping people with her skills, and I want to be just like her.

Ever since I was young, I had always loved going to the dentist. Although I had healthy teeth, they grew all over the place so I had to go through braces. I must admit that I was never really fond of them as mouth would be so sore that I could not eat for days afterwards. However, my patience and pain paid off when my dentist got them off and I saw how great it looked. At that point, I knew that Orthodontics is what I want to go into so that I can enjoy my work and be satisfied seeing my patients satisfied at the results.

Behaviourists say that the environment shapes the individual and I completely agree with that, I am surrounded with people who love and support what I choose to do and they are the ones who helped support my dreams and aspirations.
tkkt1 11 / 47  
Nov 12, 2009   #2
Your essay is fine but it isn't very interestingl. You seem to list some facts then explain them monotonously. The point of a personal statement is to make it unique to only you. Show the officers your personality through an anecdote that serves as a metaphor for your beliefs, ambitions or ideals.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 12, 2009   #3
Much of your writing reflects a very clear, sensible way of thinking. Some of it is very unique, but not incorrect. Here is one correction, though:

Their parents taught them to be independent and disciplined ever since they were born so that they could grow up to be successful people.

After I read your first para, I understand what you mean, and it makes me wish you would say the truth behind the experience instead of just describing the events: Suffering was meaningful for your parents, because they gave you opportunities, and you know this. You appreciate their sacrifices, and you want to succeed in school because of the passion that results from this knowledge.

You could tell about your parents' struggles in one beautiful sentence, and then use the rest of the paragraph to talk about how it makes you feel appreciative and inspired to succeed.

Oh, good, it is nice that you want to learn Orthodontics. At the end of the essay, you can refer back the beginning by mentioning something about wanting to earn the success that your parents struggled to make possible.


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