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"An Environmental Architect" - Motivation essay


nouraphilip 1 / -  
Apr 23, 2011   #1
I am supposed to write 500 & this is about 600 words

I am now interested in studying human rights. It's not common for an architect to study human rights but when you see the relationship between the two you can never separate it. Architecture shapes human behavior, it gives individuals their rights to live and interact with the community along with the right to protect oneself and the surrounding environment. I want to know more about human rights and not only make people aware of it, but provide them with their very basic human rights.

My Graduation project spoke of this concept as its main theme was activating a disability in it, I clarified that a slum area called Ezbet el Hagana is socially disabled and deprived of its right to exist thus no political value and based on The Cantril Ladder Scale they are suffering. According to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, slum area people's very basic human physiological needs are not met be it food to eat, water to drink, shelter to sleep, and space to exercise. The role Architecture plays, provides the slum area people's with their human rights by understanding their problems and searching for solutions that the culture accepts. Put in mind this quote "The only disability in life is a bad attitude" Sco Hamilton an American figure skater with Shwachman-Diamond syndrome through this I decided to create the active wall , This Active wall is an intermediate building between the slum area Ezbet El Hagana and the project. It is called active as when the people who are socially disabled enter they will be able to interact in an active healthy way. The wall is where social disabled people enter the project and find the basic needs such as: clean water (el sabil), employment opportunities, a training centre, counseling centre, a rehabilitation centre, a health clinic, and a community centre. Also, this active wall includes some sports complex that can be used daily to release energy like boxing and judo.

I think by studying Human Rights I could understand the humanity not only the needs, I could see the world changing if we start focusing on the human quality and enriching them. For me Human rights are the principles of life.

I have a vision to shape the community, where all human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights. Freedom to choose and be responsible for their choices, the right to be accepted and fair treatment, a chance to be productive at all ages. As an architect, I have a desire to design a home where people rejected by the community could find a shelter to live and function which in turn creates a new Modern Sustainable Family Prototype. By rejected people I mean outcast by society in general, or those who are not socially acceptable to fit; homeless abused, homeless per-married pregnant women, homeless divorced women, homeless elder people, homeless disabled, orphans, homeless and street children. I want to make a shelter for them; protecting them from society and helping them integrate with it. In this Modern Family, elder people will mentor and help through past experience. The women and children will gain respect and feel productive in a way or another. The abused people will find inner healing through community service for children and elderly people. The Modern Sustainable Family Prototype will help the rejected individuals and implement them into the community through the school, craft centre, training pool, and health clinic open to all.

The desire to live a sustainable life through the use of solar and wind energy, recycling and organic desert plantation makes me feel not only that I am willing to protect human but also the environment and help people be more independent . I do believe we can plant our own food and this should export to support the continuation of the project

At the end, I wish to make this change in the community, fighting the Egyptian saying that "unfairness on all people is fairness". I wish to see Egyptians understand their human value and rights. This is my life goal, or long term project.
Linds 2 / 5  
Apr 23, 2011   #2
I, An Environmental Architect, is now interested in studying human rights, It's not common for architect to study human rights but when you see the relationship between them you can never separate them .

* take away "An Environmental Architect" the sentence states:
I is now.
Try: I am now interested.
After human rights put a period. Start a new sentence.
It's not common for architects to study human rights
The double use of them doesn't allow the sentence to flow.Reword:
but when you see the relationship between them you can never separate them.
*avoid using the word "They" and "their" use oneself, or individuals
Architecture shapes human behavior, it gives individuals the rights to live & and interact with the community &along with the right to protect oneself and the surrounding environment

I changed this to active voice. You are using a lot of passive (past tense)
For example:An example of this is my graduation project. The concept is "Activating a social disability", I proveby my studies a slum area called Ezbet el Hagana to be socially disabled & deprived of its rights to exist thus no political value based on The Cantril Ladder Scale they are suffering.

* the sentence in red needs to be re written it is very confusing and hard to understand.

According to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs these people don't have the very basic human Physiological Needs like food, water, a proper shelter to sleep & a place for activity.

* What people? Try: the people of ______
* Try using do not instead of abbreviations (don't)
* stop using the & symbol. Use the word and.
* the sentence is also un parallel try: food to eat, water to drink, shelter to sleep, and space to exercise.

Here comes the role of architecture to provide them with their rights by understanding the problems & searching for solutions that are culturally accepted, putting in mind this quote "The only disability in life is a bad attitude" by Sco Hamilton (an American figure skater with Shwachman-Diamond syndrome) . I decided to create the active wall , This Active wall is an intermediate building between the slum area "Ezbet El Hagana" & the project.

* "Here comes" is slang, try:
the role Architecture plays, provides the ______ people with rights through the understanding of the problems and the search for solutions that the culture accepts.
* I also changed this sentence into active voice.
Start a new sentence:
putting in mind this quote "The only disability in life is a bad attitude" by Sco Hamilton (an American figure skater with Shwachman-Diamond syndrome) . I decided to create the active wall , This Active wall is an intermediate building between the slum area "Ezbet El Hagana" & the project.

Put in mind this quote ... Through this I decided to create the active wall, this active wall is an intermediate building between the slum area of Ezbet El Hagana and the project

* lose the quotation marks

Its the placeThe wall is where people who are socially disabled socially disabled persons enter to the project where theyand find the basic needs such as : clean water (el sabil), employment opportunities, a training centre, consoling centre, a rehabilitation centre, a health clinic, and a community centre with a place for events e.g.: weddings & engagements, & a craft centre.

* not sure what consoling is
* I'm assuming there is only one centre so add the word a infront of them.

Also, this active wallThis active wall alsoincludes some small sports that can be used daily to release the negative power like boxing & table tennis. It's called active as when the people who are socially disabled enter they will be forced to interact in an active healthy way.

* The sentence highlighted in red is awkward.
It is called the active wall because when the people with social disabilities enter they are forced able to interact in a healthy and active way

* the use of the word forced gives the sentence a negative connotation

I have this vision aboutfor shaping the community, a vision where "Allall human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights. Freedom to choose and be responsible for your their choices, the r ight to be accepted and loved unconditionally, and d ignity to be productive at all ages.

* or try " I have a vision to

*if this is a quote and you wish to change the wording (i strongly suggest you do) then use square brackets around the words you have changed.

rejected people by the communitypeople rejected by the community can find a shelter to live and function which in turn creates ...

By rejected people I mean abused individuals , pre-marriage pregnant women, divorced women, homeless women, elder people , disabled people, orphaned children, and homeless and street children.

* you have to connect the adjective to a person ex: homeless= homeless women or homeless people

In this Modern Family, elder people will mentor and help by theirthroughpast experiences. T he women and children will gain respect and feel productive in one way or another. The abused people will find inner healing through community service for the needy children children in need and the elder people.

The place there will not only help the reject people but engage them with the community as it will have a school, craft center, a training center & a clinic opened to everyone.

* rearrange sentence try:
The ________ will help the rejected individuals and implement them into the community through the school, craft centre, training pool, and health clinic open to all.

* The sentence below in red is random and disrupts the flow of the essay. This is another point all together that needs additional sentences to support it.

The desire to live a sustainable life through the use of solar & wind energy, recycling & organic desert plantation.
* the sentence below needs to be rewritten because it makes no sense
There is a quote "you are never free unless you have your own food", plant what you'll eat & sell or store the extra.

AtIn the end, I just wantwish to make this change in the community, to remove this proverb from Egypt "unfairness on all people is fairness" help them understand their value & the rights . this is what means the most to me.

* re arrange the Egypt sentence in red it is awkward
* STOP using the symbol &
* Use capital letters at the beginning of a sentence
* The last sentence is good BUT awkward rearrange it

The overall points of the essay are excellent how ever this is an admissions essay and it is going to be read by professors who expect top writing skills. I would hate to see these wonderful points go to waste. You need to read this essay aloud. If you had done this you would have caught a lot of the mistakes. I spent a lot of time editing this and I hope you do as well. Make sure to re read it three times then take a day off and re read it again. Say it aloud at least twice and see if it makes sense. Avoid using slang as well. Remember this is your future put in the effort.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Apr 24, 2011   #3
Wow, Lindsay, oh my word, I can't believe how much time you spent here! I am going to check your essay right away in case I can help somehow...

Let's simplify this first part:
I am an Environmental Architect interested in studying human rights. It's not common for architect to study human rights, but when you see the relationship between them you can never separate them.---Awesome!

Do not capitalize here:
For example, my graduation project concept was...

Do not use &. Write the word and.

Also...
The place there will not only help the suffering people but also engage...

:-)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Apr 28, 2011   #4
No need to capitalize graduation:
My graduation project spoke of...

I think by studying Human Rights I could understand the humanity not only the needs of humanity, but I can also see the world changing if we start focusing on the human qualities and enriching them.

For me, human rights are the principles of life.

I have a vision to shape the community, so that all human beings can be born free and equal in dignity and rights.

I do believe we can plant our own food and we should also export it to support the continuation of the project.

Capitalize the first word of the saying:
At the end, I wish to make this change in the community, fighting the Egyptian saying, "Unfairness on all people is fairness."

:-)


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