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Epiphany (travel to Japan) or My Purpose (Uni of Texas) - UT statement of purpose


Esper1 1 / -  
Jun 28, 2011   #1
For the UT statement of purpose essay I have two versions of my essay. I was wondering which version all of you thought showed more promise. They are both still close to rough drafts so I apologize, but if one seems to jump out or work better please let me know. Thank you.

Epiphany
During high school, I was selected to travel to Japan as a Youth Ambassador. While there I had the opportunity to meet their Minister of Sports and Education and to travel to numerous locations throughout Japan, including the great Buddha at Nara with its famous deer that inhabit the temple grounds.

This adventure allowed me the privilege of staying with a host family for two weeks during my time in their country. They showed me great hospitality and took me on a hike to one of their favorite places - a mountain near their home. As we trekked toward the summit, there was a final bend in the trail that obscured the view until we reached the mountain's peak. The view from atop that mountain is forever etched in my mind. It was like a scene from a fantasy film. I vividly remember being in awe of the panorama that unfolded as I crossed the final barrier. Looking out past the forest that surrounds the mountain below, the city stood dwarfed and blanketed in a thick sheet of crunchy white snow. As the sun began to set and slowly ease down behind the mountains far beyond the city, the entire sky was painted a deep and subdued dark golden hue. The horizon seemed to stretch out forever and it appeared that I could see all the way around the world if I squinted my eyes just a bit.

The moment I turned that final bend and reached the mountain's peak, I was a million miles from home ... a few thousand feet in the air ... and more tired than I've ever been, but also experiencing a sense of peace I had yet to know. It was at that moment that I found my purpose and my passion.

In Japan, I fell in love with language, with foreign cultures, and with travel. While on top of that mountain, I realized that the 'top of the mountain' in my life would be to see as much of the world as possible, and I vowed to make this epiphany a reality. I want to learn every language spoken on this planet. I want to see, teach, and be taught by people from every corner of the globe. My dream is to teach and translate English around the world - sharing my culture while embracing theirs.

The University of Texas is one of the most prestigious schools in our country to study the English language. I seek the best educational foundation to prepare me to broaden my horizons as I contribute to the extension of language acquisition world-wide. My purpose in coming to the University of Texas is to pursue my passion and fulfill my dream.

Or

My Purpose
My purpose for coming coming to the University of Texas is so I can achieve my dream. I discovered my dream in high-school when I had the opportunity to travel to Japan as a youth ambassador. While in Japan, I was able to meet their Minister of Sports and Education, to travel to numerous locations throughout Japan, including the great Buddha at Nara with its famous deer that inhabit the temple grounds. I was also able to stay with a host family for two weeks during my time in Japan. They were very kind and took me on a hike to the top of a mountain near their home.

I will never forget the view from the top of the mountain - it was like something out of a fantasy film; before you reach the top there is one final bend in the trail that obscures your view until you're at the mountain's peak, I remember being in awe of the view that unfolded as I crossed the final bend in the trail. As you look out past the forest that surrounds the mountain below, the city stands dwarfed and blanketed in a thick sheet of crunchy white snow, and as the sun begins to set and slowly ease down behind the mountains far beyond the city, it paints the whole sky a deep and subdued dark gold. The horizon seems to stretch out in front of you forever and it seems like you can see all the way around the world if you squint you eyes. The moment I turned that final bend and reached the mountains peak, I was a million miles from home, a few thousand feet in the air, and more tired than I've ever been, but, I also remember feeling more at peace than I've ever been. It was at that moment that I found my purpose and my dream. In Japan I fell in love with language, with foreign cultures, and with travel. While on top of that mountain I realized I wanted to see as much of the world as I possibly could, I wanted to learn every language that was spoken on this planet, and I wanted to see, teach, and be taught by people from every corner of the globe. At that moment I decided to I wanted to teach english and translate in every country I could. My purpose for coming to the University of Texas is to attend one of the best english schools in the United States so I can follow my dream.

ashtenmorgan - / 5  
Jul 3, 2011   #2
I feel more being pull in with the first essay then the second since it was more words and detail. And I just love the mountain part. Climbing a mountain is hard, so you should also tried using something like " While hitting the dirt on this big giant rock of everlasting, I feel just like an ant having a big rock on my shoulder." This is just an example so keep up the good work!


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