I have two essays, both for the common app. Which is better? I feel the first is more powerful, but the second is more revealing. Feedback on either is appreciated, and I will contribute back if I feel I can. Thank you!
This one is about a global event of importance:
My father is Persian, my mother is Israeli, and I'm the epitome of "Peace in the Middle East." No, I'm not an activist. I don't partake in rallies, and I don't pay much attention to the news- at least not of this type. And though I would like to think I'm not, I am predisposed to partiality. In fact, everyone is because in such a situation, you can't be impartial. Such is principally caused by religious divides, but is exacerbated by media partialities. This has lead me to question much of what I hear.
I think it is safe to say both sides have it bad. Deaths are rampant, and innocent people implicated in the mess are forced to live in constant fear. But when outside media sources come in, news gets garbled up, and it turns into a game of smoke and mirrors. You may go to an Israeli news source, and see what seems like a car in Gaza possibly damaged, possibly aflame, with what seems to be minimal damage. Now go to the same article on a Palestinian news source, you will see the same picture, but at a much more ghastly angle- it almost looks like the whole car is aflame, and the camera focuses in on swirls of smoke. This leads to a series of questions: were flames fanned? Was the fire reduced? Is anything being downplayed? Exaggerated? It's impossible to tell, and only few know. I'm not one of them.
What there is to gain from such misinformation is hard to tell. Nations are tearing at each other, and tensions are increasing, fast. People are dying. This is Social Darwinism taking hold: survival of the fittest, and only the one who can best convince the world wins. Today, that seems to be an unsuspecting player: the media.
So what must we do to resolve this? For one, we, the global community, must wean ourselves off our dependency on TV-based news, and instead read newspapers. I believe that by reading, we learn to create our own voice, and in turn we win freedom of thought. No more will we rely on a news reporter's didactic. We will learn to sift through perversions, empower ourselves, revolutionize news, and in turn, history. Though there is no clear solution for the grand problems in the Middle East, we can start toward one by finding our voices and taking responsibility for our own informing.
This one is about diversity: My father is Persian, and my mother is Israeli. When amalgamated, that spells an interesting childhood. Though I was born in xxx, English was not my first language- Hebrew was. My mother would impose her culture through suitcases full of VHS tapes, sweets, and goodies. My father would spice up the pot by bringing us down to Long Island every Sunday to visit family, which was where I internalized much of my fractured Farsi. Due to all this, I was much distanced from American culture by the time I started school in my hometown of HT.
The kids weren't particularly welcoming, but the years rolled on. Now we approached eighth grade graduation. We were no long the same second graders, though much of the superficialities remained. Gameboys turned into Xboxes. Barbie dolls turned into designer purses. I stayed the same, mismatched boy.
I have seen the world from the inside of primarily white town of HT. The adverse and closed-minded environment left much to be desired, and left me as a fish out of water. I needed a place I could swim, and HT just wasn't it. And so, I found a way out: New School.
New School was a contradictory cultural shock. Now, I would become part of the most socioeconomically diverse school I have even been in. I would be among people so different, in every way. But I wasn't ready for a New School education. I understood that a New School education would give me a view of merely one of many captivating careers out there, but I wanted more than that.
So there I was: a freshman in a new and exciting place, but with a Catch-22. The academic freedom lost was matched with social freedom gained. I found regrets, and I could not commit myself to classes I was scheduled to take. In turn, my academic successes were limited. It was not all bad, though. I was able to learn all I wanted, but I had to do it outside the classroom.
The internet turned to be my salvation. I would go to Khan Academy first. Economics was a dream, and Sal Khan described everything with the greatest elegancy one could possibly hope to see in a teacher. Then, I would open a Coursera account, which exposed me to full college-sponsored courses, like "Introduction to Accounting." I would explore the business world through trips to New York City at trading seminars, and eventually trade with real money. My drive to learn would lead to creating a functional and Google-recognized, website- fineelectronicsnj.com
All the missed opportunities at New School have been compensated for. I do not consider attending a mistake, but rather an experience no high school could offer. The biggest pitfall of New School ended up being its greatest advantage. I broke free from the binds of my limited educational diversity, and ended up just as well rounded, if not more.
First off, you're a great writer. Your sentences are eloquent and intelligent.
However, you could add to the content of both essays. You need to say more about yourself.
Your ideas about the media corrupting the public's view of the issues in the Middle East are interesting, but I don't learn much about you. I suppose you convey your thoughtfulness, but you could say more. The first essay mostly seems like a pessimistic explanation of the media's power. Of course, it is very well written. However, it is not a personal statement.
The second essay gets closer to providing information about who you are as a person. I like this one a lot more. However, there were sections where I was confused. What was the problem with New School? Is wasn't academic? You need to clarify that, but don't waste too many words complaining. Also, towards the end, you say something about developing some website? That should be the climax of your personal statement. It is the most important part: How you overcame adversity. You should definitely explain your accomplishments. College admissions counselors will not think you're conceited, they will think you're confident.
I say you should go with the second one. It says a lot more about you.
The first:
"Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance to you."
The second:
"A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you. "
The first essay showed you are a thinker and you can analyze the world. It doesn't have to be personal, like the prompt said either personal, international .... issue and you choose latter .
second essay
You didn't fully answer the question.
it said,what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.
from what i understand you tried to mesh the two together. and you fail to answer neither one.
the first two paragraphs are ok but he third is just too confusing.
think you were trying to explain that because of the lack of diversity in HS you transferred to NEW SCHOOL, but its academic curriculum was not challenging and you want more .
Try this.
make it simple
HS was not diverse, so you couldn't express yourself without sounding weird,which might affected you affected your academic progress, but you still cam top of your class(this shows the struggle you face and overcame and show the importance of diversity
now talk about your want for a place where academic excellence and diversity would suite you more....
