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"I am an equestrian." - Common App Activity Essay


to6 2 / 6  
Dec 10, 2009   #1
I have to submit this tonight and I need editing help/any other suggestions.
Thank you!

I spend 4 days a week, 3 hours a visit, working and bonding with a hairy, 1.5 ton mass of pure muscle. I am an equestrian.
The moment my Aunt Judy hoisted me onto her grey mare's broad back ten years ago, I knew that, whatever it took, I had to make horse back riding a part of my life. And that is just what I did. Progressing from weekly riding lessons to finally owning a horse of my very own, I worked endlessly to pursue my passion. Mucking stalls. Auditing lessons. Riding inexperienced horses. I did, and still do, whatever it takes to become a better athlete. However, dedication means sacrifice and persistence: skipping a school dance to travel to a horse show and never quitting trying to communicate with a headstrong animal that speaks a language worlds away from English.
MangoLemonade22 - / 8  
Dec 10, 2009   #2
I really like this short answer response.
the only thing...I tend to use fragments too because I think it can have a nice effect, but in college essays I've been warned numerous times against it.

So just the part where you say:

"...I worked endlessly to pursue my passion. Mucking stalls. Auditing lessons. Riding inexperienced horses..."

I would suggest changing it to "to pursue my passion through numerous means including mucking stalls, auditing lessons, and riding inexperienced horses."

I don't know, perhaps that might work better. Hope you like it!
OP to6 2 / 6  
Dec 10, 2009   #3
Thank you all so much, you have no idea how much this helped. This is my revised draft after taking all of your comments into consideration.

I spend 4 days a week, 3 hours per visit, working and bonding with a hairy, 1.5-ton mass of mighty muscle.

[...] a headstrong animal that speaks a language worlds apart from English. While it may not always be easy, the little victories, such as a perfect jump or simply a neigh "hello" when my horse recognizes me, assure me that all of my hard work is worthwhile.


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