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My Escape; Common App; Experience of failing

kevinll 3 / 5 1  
Dec 29, 2012   #1
My revisionof my Common App Essay, this was said to be redundant and too long.

I tried to make some modifications, please tell me your opinions about the content, and If you feel the sentences are weird,
no matter in logics or grammar, feel free to say it bluntly. Thank you!!

My Escape
Looking at my classmates making their presentations confidently, frustrations and regrets engulfed me. Not feeling jealous but remorseful, I despised myself letting the chance slip out of my grip, but all was in vain.

In the Biology Club I attended in the tenth Grade, freshmen students needed to do their own research, to get the qualifications for leading the club the next year. Propelled by my strong interest in the activities of the club and passion for bird-study, I made up my mind to amaze everyone with my work. For the following two months, I buried myself in stacks of books, and collected related information from the Net. I made this job my top priority in life, but only to be shocked by the stunning truth later.

Time slipping away, it was then that I found I was actually getting nowhere in my work. This research would decide my future school life and such stress had become an obstacle that stopped me from making the first step out. Naively, I chose escaping as my solution. I expected the countless "Tomorrow" to be my remedy and succumbed to my own laziness while faced with difficulties. When I finally noticed the reality, the time had run out, and I could do nothing but let go.

After the presentation, other than frustrations, I started to recall the time when preparing for the research. What caused me to run away from the challenge? It was not a tough task. All I needed was a constant endeavor; however, what I had done was just relentless pondering and planning, never had I really put it into real practice. And such passiveness has caused my failure. Warned by this experience of significant failure, I got to know myself better and changed the passiveness I once had.

In the new semester, resolved to be more spontaneous, I pushed myself with a belief--"Do it, I may fail; but escape, I won't even get a chance to fail" I strived to find myself opportunities to work as a volunteer or participate in sports contest, and gradually my life became busy with different tasks and activities, along with more difficulties. However, this time I finally dared to confront them. Regardless of the result, I put every effort to the things I was doing. Indeed, very tiring, but the joy of pursuing and progressing every day has made me more confident towards challenges. Whether failed or succeeded, I could feel a great sense of achievement, because I had no regrets. And this was all I needed to know to keep going.

Thanks to the failure, I detected my problem, and picked up the positive attitude that has made my high school life colorful with numerous intriguing events and activities. The lesson I learned from my escape propelled me to pursue my own ambitions with courage and enthusiasm. There was a time, when challenges got near, I ran away, but now, I am running towards them.
hannahdowdy 4 / 14 4  
Dec 29, 2012   #2
Overall good mesage, but I get lost in the middle. Not a good enough transition. Try to make your story and message connect to eachother.

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