I didn't really include a lot about how the experience changed me and I want to know if I should elaborate on that aspect. I know I'm not a very good writer, but I try. ): Help and comments are in dire need! The prompt is: Tell us about an experience in which you left your comfort zone. How did this experience change you?
There are times when I am unusually pessimistic, nights when I cannot bring myself to sleep, hours I spend in absolute solitude-only pondering. Questioning, I fill my head with thoughts and delve into the troubling waters of my mind; sometimes, I ask myself: Why do we live-why do I live? The motivated student persona reasons: to study and learn of the world, attain great marks, thrive intellectually and succeed, with opulence through a showy sense of fashion and perhaps a majestic mansion or luxury sedan; the afflicted spirit screams: Hell to this cruel, materialistic world; die! life is meaningless. These are the times when I leave my comfort zone. And, no, I am not bipolar.
"She likes me..." I slurped the last bubble of tapioca from the clear, plastic cup, "She likes me not." A sound of a low, coarse chuckle of pretense and disappointment escaped my twisted face. Once again, I could not escape my twisted fate.
Earlier, after an unsatisfied, extraordinarily dull day of school, I returned home. Down went my bags onto the floor, my body onto the bed, and my thoughts into a dark abyss. That day, I had failed again; and again, my hopes of succulent confidence were over-burnt, to a dry point beyond retrieval and possible correction. I had attempted to propose love to an attractive female acquaintance; but I failed, and perished to the bottom of the social ladder. Ill of the defeats of a normal teenage boy, my mind sailed out and lost itself in a dark sea of thoughts. Again, I had left my cheery, comfort zone.
Vulnerable and afraid, my thoughts now ran swiftly through the woods, attempting to escape the perils of my forlorn reality. She rejected me; now, everybody will laugh at me. I'll be living in Hell, a bottomless perdition of ignominy and mockery. How can I get myself out of the dark, cruel forest and up into the free, fresh airs of the mountain peak? The optimistic student persona had no say; and dark thoughts swirled and subjugated my other thoughts, leaving only my cruel spirit. My mind fluttered: Is there an individually interpreted reality in each of us? Or is there only a uniform reality outside of us, and if so, does that matter?
In the array of dark thoughts, I caught a glimmer-faint, but significant enough-of thought, a light of divine revelation; as I drew near, I discovered the source. It was emitting from a demonic statue ablaze, however frozen from a solid state of mind, indifferent to the seas of purging flames its body was set in. Of course, it would be fitting to discover a demon whilst in my somber meditation. The demon, Satan, had endured agonies of Hell, without complaint, even calling his tormenting prison [not Hell but] Heaven, because he set his mind elsewhere. I may be slipping into insanity; in my dark state, I decided to follow the footsteps of the Devil. My mind reasoned: Satan is correct; what we perceive is our reality. There is no objective reality; the character of an event or situation is subjective to our minds. Hell can be Heaven, Heaven can be Hell; all is determined by our minds. Satan determines his reality, with only diversions in his cognitive processes; and that shall be the solution to my misfortune.
I remember waking to the sweet, comforting fragrance of my mother's fresh blueberry pancakes. Had I spent the entire night dwelling upon thoughts in my sleep again? Well, it matters not now; it had been too long ago, and it has been a long while since I had endured such a dismal night. I had left my cheery, comfort zone and experienced a barrage of shadowy thoughts; however, I emerged in a much better, enlightened state of mind. That night was the night I came to conclusion; the dark experience led me to change-to abide to a new motto, one that fixates on detaching oneself from objective aspects of life and constructing a new reality subjective to one's respective thoughts. And following this motto has kept me undisturbed by hindrances and finally optimistic [enough] in chasing after the dreams of my student persona: to study and attack my passions, consume knowledge with a voracious rapture, and after submit myself to a life of long success and luxury.
Well... You say you are not a very good writer... But I see you have very good writing skills. Only problem is about contents.... You consume too many words and paras to give us an account of your inner feelings. I think they need to judge you through your experience. So, you need to give more emphasis to aspects such as how this experience helped you grow more mature, what you learned through that etc.
Hmmm... To be honest I can't find any grammar mistakes in your essay. And you use a lot of big words. My only problem was that you seem to be using too many big words in some sentences. I think I lost track of what you were trying to say in some sentences. Maybe you need to simplify your writing.
@Pahan Okay thanks! I didn't use tooooooo many big words I think I only used a few, but I may have been a tad bit confusing in a few parts of my essay. Soo which sentences do you think are confusing and should be simplified?
@dumi Haha thanks, but I'm at best mediocre. I've written too many essays that just fixate on an analysis or reflection of my experiences and I just wanted to play around with something new. But I guess I'm missing the point of these essays. Alright, I'll work on that aspect! Are there any specific lines of my essay that are slightly awkward, confusing, or perhaps unnecessary? I've used the word "thoughts" many times in my essay, and I'm wondering if there's a better word to replace it or if it's okay.
And please! If there's anyone else who can just read my essay over and give some feedback, that would be very awesome!
I think that your description of being rejected by a girl, while sympathy-provoking, is a bit intense for a college essay. Based on this piece of writing, I can picture you falling into some deep and dramatic depression every time you fail at something, and even though you said you'd realized that you should take failure with an optimistic perspective, you spent so much time convincing me that you were so depressed, I have trouble believing that you will change.
Overall, this was a very interesting--if not a little concerning--essay. Hope these comments were helpful!
@didgeridoo Wow, I am speechless...this is amazing!!! Thanks for your help!! To be honest, I am not like this at all and--well, never mind. But this is what I've been waiting for!! I tried adding "Satan", "attractive female acquaintance", and the dark, really unusual, awkward imagery to kind of make things seem more dark and dramatic. The overly complex sentences were also supposed to reflect my complex thoughts, but I guess I'm not a good enough writer to make it work and it just ends up being weird. Well anyways I had some fun writing this and I think I'll change it according to your comments! Also, don't worry about me haha! And the cheery comfort zone is the meditation thing I'm doing. Is there any way I can make it clearer? Well, I put " my mind lost itself in a dark sea of thoughts" before it but I wasn't sure if it made it clear enough. One question, my experience was falling into a dark state of mind, where I have really weird, intense thoughts; did you catch that? I just want to know if I was clear or not.
"Again, my hopes of succulent confidence were over-burnt." I was trying to use a metaphor here that compares my hopes of attaining confidence to something being over-burned. But, I can see how it's confusing now. I'll work on it!
Oh, and for the "thoughts running through the woods" metaphor, I was trying to make it seem like my thoughts were, like a deer being chased by a predator, running through a forest because they were "scared" and I wanted to get out into the "free, fresh airs of the mountain peak" to get some fresh air and be away from danger... I guess it's awkward ): I just used these funky metaphors because I've read a couple of works in my literature books that have really weird metaphors so I just tried them out.
Well, okay thanks again for everything! You're awesome man! I will work on this a little bit more, but I think I may just toss it out and start a new one. I wrote it for fun anyways.
I tried adding "Satan", "attractive female acquaintance", and the dark, really unusual, awkward imagery to kind of make things seem more dark and dramatic. The overly complex sentences were also supposed to reflect my complex thoughts, but I guess I'm not a good enough writer to make it work and it just ends up being weird.
Actually, thinking of how you could make your diction and syntax match your tone is extra-writery of you; I just think that when writing college essays (especially answering straightforward prompts), natural is best.
And the cheery comfort zone is the meditation thing I'm doing. Is there any way I can make it clearer?
Maybe if you start by describing how your mind wanders or how you meditate on a normal day. And write that you never give life such intense thought. Then make it clear that that event pushed you into a new way of thinking, into the depths of your fears and insecurities to confront the nature of the reality you always accepted before.
My experience was falling into a dark state of mind, where I have really weird, intense thoughts; did you catch that?
I definitely caught that, but I didn't know that was
the experience, because you had mentioned asking a girl out, which could also be a way you stepped out of your comfort zone.
"Again, my hopes of succulent confidence were over-burnt." I was trying to use a metaphor here that compares my hopes of attaining confidence to something being over-burned. But, I can see how it's confusing now. I'll work on it!
Maybe if you wrote something about playing with fire or dancing too close to the flames, aiming for a succulent outcome but ending up with one that was burnt irreparably.
As for your metaphors, if you changed your personification to a simile and wrote "my thoughts were flighty like deer running swiftly through a forest" and then, "How can I bring my mind from the dark, cruel forest to the peace and clarity of a mountain peak?" that might be a little clearer.
It's up to you if you want to keep going; it was fun editing your essay, so I don't mind if you just disregard my comment and start fresh. I definitely got the creative part, if it makes you feel better, and I did understand what your intent was, even if it came across as a little vague. I've definitely written some college essays I intended to be works of art but ended up being
extremely incoherent and too off-the-wall to convey the emotions I had in my head when I was writing it, or to really capture my personality. I thought your essay was pretty good by comparison (mine didn't even have any deep epiphanies at the end like yours did).
Didgeridoo
Okay awesome! I like your idea about changing the personifications to similes. And applying to Richmond was just for fun, so I think I might just keep it funky! Oohh WOW you seriously give the best feedback ever...
I'm not sure how to quote so I'll just put quotations:
"Maybe if you start by describing how your mind wanders or how you meditate on a normal day. And write that you never give life such intense thought. Then make it clear that that event pushed you into a new way of thinking, into the depths of your fears and insecurities to confront the nature of the reality you always accepted before."
I am definitely going to do that! I think it will provide a better, clearer framework for my essay!
And yeah, I know writing like this is probably not good for college essays but I just want to write for fun so yeaahhh haha
Well, thanks again for all your help!! ^____^
It was my pleasure! I applied to URichmond for fun too, so hopefully the admissions officers will be in the mood for some unconventional writing!
Hey! @didgeridoo Do you think you can help me read over another one of my essays? I just finished it not too long ago and I'm curious if it's good or not because I'm not sure at all... I kind of threw in a couple of ideas together and took out a lot of explanation and elaboration on important points. I just want to have an idea of how the essay is!
