Hello everyone! I'm new to this forum and I hope I could receive some of your amazing help out there!
I know to post this personal statement at this moment in time and ask for opinions is kinda late in the application process but... well.. i admit it's my fault... but I could i could learn from this a be a time manager in the future!
anyways, this essay is 646 words and I was wondering if you could give me some opinions after having read it.
When I entered the classroom, the sound of children throwing the building blocks and banging on the toy house diminished as gazes fell upon me, one by one. As I walked past the children, they pulled the sides of their eyes and uttered nonsensical syllables ching chong. With eyes a bit watery, I looked up and smiled. A child came up to me and offered to play. And then I knew that I could find comfort in laughing back with them.
Born in Poland to Vietnamese parents I learned at the first day of kindergarten to recognize my black hair and small frame among a crowd of cherubic golden haired children. After that first daunting day, I blended in with children as if I'd always been one of them. The more time I spent playing with them the less often I saw them pull the sides of their eyes to imitate my almond shaped eyes. The more often I spoke Polish in front of them, the less often I heard them imitate the sound of my language. I started calling my parents "Mamusiu" and "Tatusiu", however, they always replied in Vietnamese. No matter how often I tried to develop the inner Polish in me, my parents always reminded me to follow the Vietnamese traditions at home. Eating pierogies with fork at school and poking the rice with chopsticks at home; I adopted the two cultures and oscillated between the them as the day breaks. Nevertheless, the comfort I habitually found vanished when I turned eight.
The confusion at the first day of school, once again, revisited me.Without prior preparation in French, I was enrolled in a French school in town. In class I scribbled down every word I could hear. At home, the voice of TV5MONDE news anchor and the music of Celine Dion filled the house as I tried to look up words from the notes I took in class and put them together to make sense of what the teacher said. By the time my parents got back from work, the TV was turned off and Celine Dion music was switched off. The smell of the steaming rice and the sound of Vietnamese folk songs once again dominated the house. Henceforth, the period between school and dinner became the time in which I practiced my language skills and enriched my cultural understanding. By the time I reached middle school, I thought and dreamt in French.
Yet as a preadolescent girl, I didn't want to be accepted because of my differences. I wanted to feel belonged because of the similarities I share with people. I decided to attend high school in America. Being already multicultured, I thought I could easily glide in the American culture, however,
I come from convervative European-Asian cultures, in which thoughts are kept to self; thus when I got there, the sudden outburst of welcomes and passionate expressions of one's belief baffled me. Sometimes what I am equipped with is not as important as how I deal with situations. In such a culturally diverse environment, the only way to let people know of your existance is to openly state your opinions. At first, I absorbed all the ideas shared and observed the manner in which they were said. Now, I share my opninions and defend them while paying close attention to the way I express them.
As much I love the American openness, every time I come home I go back to being the traditional Vietnamese daughter all over again. I adapt to each environment I'm in, whether it's conversing in French with friends, saying "hi" in Polish to my neighbors, talking about the past in Vietnamese with family, or writing an essay in English for school. Yet in me, it's always all the thoughts selected from each culture put together to form my own perspective at once.
Here is the essay with specific questions;
When I entered the classroom, the sound of children throwing the building blocks and banging on the toy house diminished as gazes fell upon me, one by one [is it okay to put "one by one" here?]. As I walked past the children, they pulled the sides of their eyes and uttered nonsensical syllables ching chong [is it evident that the children are trying to make fun of my eyes?]. With eyes a bit watery, I looked up and smiled. A child came up to me and offered to play [should i just say "a child came up and offered to play?] . And then I knew that I could find comfort in laughing back with them.
Born in Poland to Vietnamese parents I learned at the first day of kindergarten to recognize my black hair and small frame among a crowd of cherubic golden haired children. After that first daunting day, I blended in with children as if I'd always been one of them. The more time I spent playing with them the less often I saw them pull the sides of their eyes to imitate my almond shaped eyes. The more often I spoke Polish in front of them [is it awkward to say "speak in front of them"?], the less often I heard them imitate the sound of my language. I started calling my parents "Mamusiu" and "Tatusiu", however, they always replied in Vietnamese [is it obvious that I started speaking Polish to them? or should I explain it in the essay?]. No matter how often I tried to develop the inner Polish in me, my parents always reminded me to follow the Vietnamese traditions at home. Eating pierogies with fork at school and poking the rice with chopsticks at home [is this sentence a bit random? i wanted to put it here to evoke the cultural differences that i experienced]; I adopted the two cultures and oscillated between the them as the day breaks [i don't know how to describe this... is there an expression that indicates nightime changes to daytime and vice versa?]. Nevertheless, the comfort I habitually found vanished when I turned eight.
The confusion at the first day of school, once again, revisited me [awkward? revisited me?]. Without prior preparation in French, I was enrolled in a French school in town. In class I scribbled down every word I could hear. At home, the voice of TV5MONDE news anchor and the music of Celine Dion filled the house as I tried to look up words from the notes I took in class and put them together to make sense of what the teacher said [too long of a sentence?]. By the time my parents got back from work, the TV was turned off and Celine Dion music was switched off [is there a better way to avoid passive verbs and the verb to be in this sentence?]. The smell of the steaming rice and the sound of Vietnamese folk songs once again dominated the house. Henceforth, the period between school and dinner became the time in which I practiced my language skills and enriched my cultural understanding. By the time I reached middle school, I thought and dreamt in French.
Yet as a preadolescent girl, I didn't want to be accepted because of my differences. I wanted to feel belonged because of the similarities I share with people. I decided to attend high school in America [maybe a transition?]. Being already multicultured, I thought I could easily glide in the American culture [awkward? too figurative?], however,
I come from convervative European-Asian cultures, in which thoughts are kept to self; thus when I got there, the sudden outburst of welcomes and passionate expressions of one's belief baffled me [should I show instead of tell?]. Sometimes what I am equipped with is not as important as how I deal with situations [i'm not sure you get the meaning that i'm trying to convey here. it might seem a bit random]. In such a culturally diverse environment, the only way to let people know of your existance is to openly state your opinions. At first, I absorbed all the ideas shared and observed the manner in which they were said. Now, I share my opninions and defend them while paying close attention to the way I express them.
As much I love the American openness, every time I come home I go back to being the traditional Vietnamese daughter all over again. I adapt to each environment I'm in, whether it's conversing in French with friends, saying "hi" in Polish to my neighbors, talking about the past in Vietnamese with family, or writing an essay in English for school. Yet in me, it's always all the thoughts selected from each culture put together to form my own perspective at once.
additional questions:
- Is it okay to use contractions in a college essay?
- is it okay to use figurative language?
- what do you think of each paragraph in the essay? i think it's very hard to write about this topic in just 500 words, but i really want to let the admission officers know that multiculturalism is my strength. do you think that each example from each paragraph is convincing?
- the last concluding paragraph sounds a bit cliche. i was wondering if you get the idea that I adapt accordingly to each environment that i'm in yet in my head , it's all the cultures at once. i don't want to sound like someone who goes out and learn tons of stuff and then go back home not contributing anything...
- is the essay overall coherent?
- what can your learn about me when reading this essay?
- can you point out any grammatical errors? I'm really bad a recognizing grammar stuff.
sorry! there are a lot of questions and you don't have to answer all of them. It would be nice if each person addresses different questions and offers his/her
opinions when the answers differ.
Thank you SO MUCH!!
When I entered the classroom, the sound of children throwing the building blocks and banging on the toy house diminished as gazes fell upon me, one by one [No, 'one by one' here adds nothing to your intention. Plus, shorten this phrase "sound of children throwing the building blocks and banging on the toy house" it is too long and sounds awkward - lủng củng]. As I walked past the children, they pulled the sides of their eyes and uttered nonsensical syllables ching chong [No, it is not. It sounds like they are curious about you. However, you can add your feeling by saying "I could feel the curious glance upon my appearance: black hair and black eyes. I had a sudden fear 'what if I would not fit in?'.]. With eyes a bit watery, I looked up and smiled. A child came up to me and offered to play [No. Not here. You can say "The sights got blurry as a sheer liquid blocked it. Then, a child came to me with a huge smile in his/her face. I looked up and smile back]. And then At that moment, I knew that I could find comfort in laughing back with them.
Born in Poland to Vietnamese parents I learned at the first day of kindergarten to recognize my black hair and small frame among a crowd of cherubic golden haired children. After that first daunting day, I blended in with children as if I'd always been one of them. The more time I spent playing with them the less often I saw them pull the sides of their eyes to imitate my almond shaped eyes. The more often I spoke Polish in front of them [Yes, it is. ], the less often I heard them imitate the sound of my language. I started calling my parents "Mamusiu" and "Tatusiu", however, they always replied in Vietnamese [is it obvious that I started speaking Polish to them? or should I explain it in the essay?]. No matter how often I tried to develop the inner Polish in me, my parents always reminded me to follow the Vietnamese traditions at home. Eating pierogies with fork at school and poking the rice with chopsticks at home [is this sentence a bit random? i wanted to put it here to evoke the cultural differences that i experienced]; I adopted the two cultures and oscillated between the them as the day breaks [i don't know how to describe this... is there an expression that indicates nightime changes to daytime and vice versa?]. Nevertheless, the comfort I habitually found vanished when I turned eight.
The confusion at the first day of school, once again, revisited me [awkward? revisited me?]. Without prior preparation in French, I was enrolled in a French school in town. In class I scribbled down every word I could hear. At home, the voice of TV5MONDE news anchor and the music of Celine Dion filled the house as I tried to look up words from the notes I took in class and put them together to make sense of what the teacher said [too long of a sentence?]. By the time my parents got back from work, the TV was turned off and Celine Dion music was switched off [is there a better way to avoid passive verbs and the verb to be in this sentence?]. The smell of the steaming rice and the sound of Vietnamese folk songs once again dominated the house. Henceforth, the period between school and dinner became the time in which I practiced my language skills and enriched my cultural understanding. By the time I reached middle school, I thought and dreamt in French.
Yet as a preadolescent girl, I didn't want to be accepted because of my differences. I wanted to feel belonged because of the similarities I share with people. I decided to attend high school in America [maybe a transition?]. Being already multicultured, I thought I could easily glide in the American culture [awkward? too figurative?], however,
I come from convervative European-Asian cultures, in which thoughts are kept to self; thus when I got there, the sudden outburst of welcomes and passionate expressions of one's belief baffled me [should I show instead of tell?]. Sometimes what I am equipped with is not as important as how I deal with situations [i'm not sure you get the meaning that i'm trying to convey here. it might seem a bit random]. In such a culturally diverse environment, the only way to let people know of your existance is to openly state your opinions. At first, I absorbed all the ideas shared and observed the manner in which they were said. Now, I share my opninions and defend them while paying close attention to the way I express them.
As much I love the American openness, every time I come home I go back to being the traditional Vietnamese daughter all over again. I adapt to each environment I'm in, whether it's conversing in French with friends, saying "hi" in Polish to my neighbors, talking about the past in Vietnamese with family, or writing an essay in English for school. Yet in me, it's always all the thoughts selected from each culture put together to form my own perspective at once.
I CANNOT figure out what is your thesis. You DID NOT have a point!
"As much I love the American openness, every time I come home I go back to being the traditional Vietnamese daughter all over again." If this is your thesis, make it clear. At the beginning of the essay, I feel like you are ashamed of your appearance, of who you are.
Your essay mainly TELLs. American essays prefer you to SHOW. You tell what happened, but the admission wants you to SHOW who you are. How did you overcome obstacles.
I quit in the middle helping you with specific questions in the essay. You are telling a b-o-r-i-n-g story. I'm sorry if I hurt your feeling. I struggled through these essays in the past months, so I know what is it to be a good essay (although I'm not good at writing one)
additional questions:
- Is it okay to use contractions in a college essay? - NO. IT IS NEVER OKAY TO DO SO! It makes a good essay less valuable
- is it okay to use figurative language? - Yes, it is, but make sure it is clear
- what do you think of each paragraph in the essay? i think it's very hard to write about this topic in just 500 words, but i really want to let the admission officers know that multiculturalism is my strength. Do you think that each example from each paragraph is convincing? - NO. I am terribly sorry but your essay is not CLEAR. Again, what you need to do is show them. Show them how did you adapt the culture, how did you proud as who you are, how you feel about being multi-cultural, what can that help you, why are you different/unique from other thousands essay of Vietnamese and other ethnic groups immigrants?
- the last concluding paragraph sounds a bit cliche. i was wondering if you get the idea that I adapt accordingly to each environment that i'm in yet in my head , it's all the cultures at once. i don't want to sound like someone who goes out and learn tons of stuff and then go back home not contributing anything... - what matter is not you contribute anything to others, but how those thing contributes to build up who you are.
- is the essay overall coherent? - A little bit
- what can your learn about me when reading this essay? - You live in different places. You show that you love Vietnamese culture the most (not very clear but I got it)
- can you point out any grammatical errors? I'm really bad a recognizing grammar stuff. - revise your essay, then I'll help you. By the way, think in English, not Vietnamese or Polish.
Thank you so much! I will revise it and post it as soon as possible! Thank you so much!!
By the way! Do you think I should talk about those three different places? because if i do then the whole essay will take way more than 500 words. should i just choose a specific example (one change= one place, one school) and just elaborate it? b/c my main goal here is to show my multicultural background...
It is up to you to decide. Remember, value every single word you choose. Do not feel obligated to the 500 word limits, no one is going to count it (but it still need to be less than 600)
Furthermore, a good writer should know the exact thing to say that makes the essay powerful, clear, and adds further to its meaning.
So, you can talk about all 3, or maybe just 1, anything makes you STAND OUT from thousands other essays the AO receives.
By the way, you do not need to write about multi-culture, you know. Open microsoft word, list everything about you that you are PROUD of, something that you feel no one else have. List it first then you will know what to write.
My yahoo IM is lavender_pham if you want to talk to me for detail (I hope you speak Vietnamese lol)
Wow! I'm amazed!! Thank you so much for offering so much help! Do you have skype ? b/c i dont have yahoo im...
my skype id is: cucthitthua (don't judge lol)
I don't have skype. I do have facebook, but you cannot find me since I privated it. What is your email address or your Profile name on Facebook?
my email is : mimictt@yahoo.fr
my name is Mimi Do or Ha Mi Do
i live in Windsor and go to Loomis Chaffee school
mimictt
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