The prompt (on a college application) was pretty general: Write about an issue of personal, local, national or global concern and its importance to you. Feedback is appreciated!
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A European Experiment in Intolerance
In a recent vote that surprised many and dismayed government officials from Bern to Riyadh, Swiss voters solidly approved a ban on the construction of minarets. Distinct from everyday architectural ordinances based on aesthetic preferences, this new law was an unambiguous strike against the country's Muslim population. It currently is one of the first major successes in the growing backlash against Muslim immigrants across Europe.
Europeans are backing away from their ideals of religious liberty in the name of self-preservation, citing fears of an impending Muslim takeover of the continent. The future of "Eurabia," predicted by alarmed Europeans and eager Islamic leaders alike, is theorized based upon high birth rates and perceptions of insufficient assimilation among Muslim immigrants. These concerns previously have fueled campaigns to ban mosques in Italy and burkas in the United Kingdom. In June, President Nicolas Sarkozy of France stated that burkas were "not welcome," and although the government stopped short of an outright ban in November - instead issuing "recommendations" against face veils - a more forceful law is expected to be passed before long.
For a variety of reasons, from general religious and racial intolerance, to concern over higher birth rates and political ambitiousness, many Europeans consider Muslims in their midst undesirables, to be driven out by legislative inhospitality. The rationale behind this religious oppression is that it will cause the minorities to either change their ways, or leave altogether. But when the greatest weapon of Islamic extremists is the propagandistic dehumanization of infidels, it is not advisable to widen the gap between the cultures. The way to lessen the danger of radical Islam on the borders is to show one's best side to those who would be taught to attack it. By suppressing and angering the Muslims who have peacefully emigrated from the Middle East, European governments are doing a great disservice to their reputations in those immigrants' homelands, further polarizing both within their own countries and between the continents.
Objections by prominent Islamic leaders often showcase even greater hypocrisy, it should be noted. Accusations of "Islamophobia" coming from Iran and Saudi Arabia, while true enough when taken apart from context, are shameful displays of cognitive dissonance on the background of Sharia Law. Those who would not object to obscenely archaic practices - such as incurring the death penalty for apostasy, and inflicting harsh punishments not upon rapists, but upon their victims - are in no standing to judge what is fair or unfair elsewhere in the world. But this only applies to those who would support the atrocious laws of certain Middle Eastern countries, not to all Muslims. The prevalence of Sharia Law is no excuse for injustice in Europe. Furthermore, regardless of what liability some like to pin on all the members of the faith, the people and governments of Europe ought to hold themselves to higher standards of freedom and tolerance. By being on the more inclusive side of the divide, they can speed cultural assimilation and improvement of Islamic-Western relations. Opting instead to repel attempts at peaceful integration can only aggravate resentment and encourage violent attitudes.
The Swiss minaret ban, being the first of its kind, might prove a turning point in the culture clash, signaling either a downward spiral, or a wakeup call. Other governments are poised to follow suit with similarly oppressive laws, but the uproar abroad may yet dissuade any imitators. Given the lack of authority afforded most Middle Eastern leaders in these matters, the onus lies upon the Europeans themselves - hopefully with encouragement from the United States, and other influences in the United Nations - to voice their objections and put a stop to this trend before it continues beyond the point of no return.
Your essay is amazing and quite an eye opener. I could not find one thing to correct or suggest, as it is extremely well written, set up perfectly, interesting all the way through, thoughtful and informative. This belongs in Time Magazine, not Essay Forum!
Many thanks!
I do agree with Susan, it looks like it belongs in Time.
However, you do happen to be writing a college essay, and I'm sure the admissions officers would want to know why this means you should be accepted to their college?
"Write about an issue of personal, local, national or global concern and its importance to you."
I feel like you're lacking some personal connections of this issue to you. Why did you choose to write about this? What does your stance on this issue mean about you? You do analyze the issue well, but I'm sure colleges would rather see you analyze yourself. Why did you respond to this event the way you did? For example, one of my friends talked about the importance of public transportation, but in his essay he also talked about how he was working with local officials to improve buses, etc.
Remember the audience you're writing to, and convince admissions officers that you're more than just a reporter. You're an intellectually inquisitive student that should be accepted into their colleges, and if you shift some focus to yourself in this essay, I'm sure you'll be fine. You write very well.
Yes, that was one thing that bothered me a bit too: while I have a strong opinion on the subject, I do not personally know anyone involved, nor am I directly affected.
The admission was not much of a concern; to explain, this essay was more geared towards acceptance into a particular Honors program at the college that would feature more of the political and philosophical writing, and less of the personal kind.
To get a personal angle, I'd have to choose a different topic, which I probably will end up doing for some other essays. Thanks for your note. :)
if you dont mind...i'd like to help you by giving u a few pointers i came across for this prompt.
1. colleges want to get to know you through your essay so focus on issues closer to home home so that they can really learn something about you.
2.Don't lecture your audience. the heart of the essay needs to be about you so it has to personal as well as political.
3. Give emphasis to the " importance to you". Why is it important to you? If you get this right then it will reveal the person behind the writing.
4.Show why you'd be a good choice for the college. the essay can help you highligh your convictions and personality and as you discuss an issue be sure to reveal your self to be the type of thoughtful,introspective, passionate and generous person who can make a good campus citizen.
Hope this helps. Best of luck :)
Ah, I see! If admissions isn't the main purpose, this should probably work well enough. Good luck~
I guess you are indeed a quick study.
How about adding one more sentence to the end of that first paragraph. I think the first paragraph should end with a sentence that lingers in the reader's mind to prime her for appreciating the main idea of the whole essay.
...higher birth rates and political
ambition . Ambitiousness is okay, too, but you might want to consider using ambition.
The Swiss minaret ban, being the first of its kind, might prove a turning point in the culture clash, signaling either a downward spiral, or a wakeup call.
The last comma above is not necessary.
I see that at the end of the essay you express your opinion clearly. I hope you will go back and say something wise about the inappropriateness of this ban at the end of the first para as well. After all, is this expository or persuasive? Choose one, and go all the way with it. I say go with persuasive.
Thanks, good suggestions; I'll think about that first paragraph.
