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the every-weekend movie show - UIUC prompt # 2


Simon0228 3 / 4  
Dec 12, 2012   #1
Prompt: In no more than 300 words, tell us something about yourself that isn't covered elsewhere in this application, some interest or experience of yours that you think the University of Illinois should know about as part of the admissions review.

I was the secretary of my class league for the whole three boarding high school years. For me, being a secretary means more than just conducting the task from teachers and school. I wanted to take advantage of my position to relax my classmates' tense nerves under overwhelming learning pressure. Most students in our school came from poor rural families, which indicated the only hope of their family revival burdened on them. The sole method to resurrect was to get into a high-ranked university, which was thoroughly realized by our school principal. Thus our school emphasized almost everything on studying and grades which contributed to the fact that students had little time to take a rest. I, as the study-aboard student who could focus less on schoolwork, figured out one way to ameliorate this situation. I went back home every Friday night to download the latest movies and played them on Sunday afternoon as soon as we finished our weekend-test and then had two-hour free time to take a shower or wash clothes. It was the only vacant time over the entire week and although I knew not all of my classmates would choose to just watch a "relaxing" movie, I still kept doing it. At the beginning, my effort seemed like a joke. Only several classmates sat in the classroom which made the movie show like an exclusive display. But with every-weekend-one-movie going on, the number of classmates sitting in the classroom increased. I clearly remembered after two months executing this plan, I could see over half of the classmates staying in the classroom watch movies. Sometimes I could even find someone I did not know sit in our classroom. That was the student from other classes who heard there would be an every-weekend movie in our classroom and then decided to come by to release his stress. At that time, a feeling of fulfillment hit me. I understood the meaning of what I did and gained the power to keep doing it until the day I had to leave school. In fact, this way can even be called as infinitesimal. However, it did improve the vigor of my classmates. Our class as a whole ranked first among all the classes in the final exam. I never regret doing this. If time permitted, I would display every-weekend movies, for ever.

I had the really impressive memory about this whole thing. And to make the essay clear for readers to understand, I added some background information at the beginning of the paragraph. Now the problem is the word count is much over the required "no more than 300 words". Actually it is already 391 words... Please tell we which part of this essay could be shorten and other parts I can do better to improve this essay. I will check your essay after you give me suggestions, all of which will be well appreciated. Thanks a lot!!!
SadeAjayi 3 / 7  
Dec 12, 2012   #2
Brilliant essay in general. Btw on the first line, it should be "Being a secretary meant ..."not means, because it was past tense

Since you want it shorter, the part where you said "and then had two-hour free time to take a shower or wash clothes" is irrelevant. I suggest you remove it

also remove the sentence where you said "Infact, this way can even be called as infinitesimal" i don't understand that part or why it's there


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