Hi,I'm applying to Texas A&M University,and this is one of my essays that I have to provide. I would appreciate it so much to receive feedback!
Not everyone's belief is the same. In order to work with someone, we should all have a big heart, each take a step back and be tolerant to one another. Sure sometimes one doesn't like the other person's ideas or thoughts, but being tolerant will cause less trouble. One can even put one's thought or idea out there, share with everyone and see what they think, especially if they have more experience.
Ever since I was little, I had been in love with music, it's my passion, it's what I love and enjoy. So I joined the school band in the 7th grade. I chose to play the flute because I thought the sound that it made was just so magnificently beautiful. I started out very poorly, everyone else could already blow out a sound, but no matter in what way I tried, there was still no sound. I was very disappointed but still I didn't give up because I knew all the hard work will be paid off at the end. Finally, by the third week, I was able to play a few notes. As the year went on, my skills were getting better and better, I was really happy. Next thing you know end of the year came, time for individual auditions for next year's placements. I entered the room, played my piece, came out and thought I did horrible! When the placements came out, I was so nervous to see which band I made. As I was walking to the list, people from my band were telling me "congratulations!", so I thought "yes! I made symphonic band (which was the second highest band in the school)", but I still had to go check. I saw my name and I froze. I made honors band (the top band). I skipped two bands and went from the bottom straight to the top!
All summer my mood was just fantastic! I was very eager for the new school year to start so I can finally be with the band again. I practiced hard all summer long, hoping I had what it took to stay in there. First day of school during band, I was super nervous and anxious to start making music. We started right away to prepare for our first concert. When I got my music, I was just completely shocked and amazed at the music. It looked so hard and complicated, but yet absolutely beautiful; there were so many rhythms that were new to me. I became super nervous. Class started, the director just gave us a measure and gave us a tempo and everyone around me started to play. I sat there clueless of what to do. Was I supposed to play with them or what? In the previous band, the director that taught us would always teach us the new music first, but here... oh my, looks like I'll have a fun year. When we progressed on, we got harder and harder music, I began to feel stress. So I went to the director and told her about my concerns, that I couldn't keep up and asked her for her advice. She told me something I will never forget, she said, "If you put your heart to something and be dedicated, you will always succeed." So I stayed in there, and worked twice as hard as everyone did. After a year of team work with the honors band, I improved so much and so fast that I even shocked myself. Since I was the only "beginner" in that band, I would ask the flute players around me for help, and they were all so nice and so willing to help. By the end to the year, I learned so much new things, and changed my attitude on how I look at things now.
No matter what challenges or difficulties you face in life, tough it out, work hard and tackle the challenges.
Always include your prompt on the top of your response. That helps others to align your writing with what it asks from you;
Not everyone's belief is the same. In order to work with someone, we should all have a big heart, each take a step back and be tolerant to one another
Interesting :)
One can even put one's thought or idea out there
... this is not very clear... I guess you are talking about discussing one's ideas and thoughts with others.... I wish you improved clarity here.... sounds a bit confusing to me :(
Seems you can write well. Overall, your essay flows logically. The only problem is that we have no idea about the question, rather the prompt. So it is difficult to make suggestions for improvements since we do not know what it expects from you. Post the prompt here and I will have a look at it. However, as I once mentioned you have good writing skills :)
Looking forward to your prompt !
Ok.... now it makes sense to me, and may be you can disregard some of my earlier comments where I sounded my confusion :D
Sure sometimes one doesn't like the other person's ideas or thoughts, but being tolerant will cause less trouble.
.... Sounds better with that word.
I chose to play the flute because I thought the sound that it made was just so magnificently beautiful.
I chose to play the flute because I loved the magnificent sounds it makes.I started out very poorly, everyone else could already blow out a sound,but no matter in what way I tried, there was still no sound.
...but however much I tried, it not produced my disappointment.Sorry.... I have made a mistake there;
."... but however much I tried, it only produced my disappointment" .... is that clear now?
You know, I attend to so many threads so that I tend to make errors here and there in my comments. I'm extremely sorry about the confusion. :)
and thank you so much on your comments!
you are welcome!
