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Essay #1 Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups



Nandia20060709 2 / 3  
Oct 11, 2024   #1
I belong to families who helped shape me into a better person. In 2021, I left my small village to attend a medical high school in Ulaanbaatar, the capital of Mongolia. That September, I joined Mrs. Enkhtuya's family and lived in a yurt through the harsh winter. Whenever I returned from school, I had to light a fire in the stove at -30 degrees Celsius. Before the fire oven, we would share moments of warmth and anticipation, discussing the events of the day.
By December 2022, I had moved into my uncle's small one-room apartment. Although it was just a single room for four people, at the end of a long day, we would gather around the dinner table, silhouetted in a circle, talking about our lives.
In March 2023, after my 11th-grade graduation, I moved again. A friend opened her home to me while she was completing her studies. We lived in a tiny room with only a table and a few kitchen essentials. Our conversations echoed in the space, and though she often noted how little we had, she never once complained.
From the yurt to one-room apartments to tiny, sparsely furnished rooms, each home carried its own warmth from the people who welcomed me as family. Despite their limited means, they opened their homes and hearts, creating spaces for endless conversation and sharing life's ups and downs. These experiences have shaped me into a more compassionate, adaptable, and grateful person.
I hope to bring this warmth and kindness into my studies of science at the University of Michigan, whether it be through conversation-based LSA classes like "Bioreaction Engineering & Design" or through opportunities to live with a host family through the study abroad programs offered by CGIS. As I continue my journey, I carry their lessons with me, knowing that the people we meet along the way often shape who we become.

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 15439  
Oct 12, 2024   #2
You are too simplistic in your discussion. Review the requirements for the content and the basis of the discussion. You are discussing your family in general rather than as a part of an ethnic group or a community. The reviewer will be looking for information about where you come from as a diversity applicant. You have to explain the type of social background that you come from to allow for a better understanding of what makes you unique as a potential student of the university. What makes you special having come from this sector? Why would they think that this social strata will help improve their student community? Consider the other factors indicated for the discussion to better develop your response.


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