"Not everyone is born with confidence" - Essay for common application

I haven't decided the name for this passage. And it is the first draft. so it is not well-written. Hope you can give me some advice on my topic or grammar.

Thank you so much for your help!

Not everyone is born with confidence.

When I first learned to walk downstairs at two, I had myself fell off the staircase like a rolling ball.
When I first used the stapler in the kindergarten, I had my fingers stapled and blood spouted out.
When I first employed the iron at six, I had my rugate cover of the book with a lovely rabbit icon on it burnt.

As I am growing up, my doubt that I was not intelligent as others was confirmed by my poor academic performance, which made me a foolish figure in class. No one wanted to pal up with me and even my mum kidded my low IQ was because of her dystocia. I always stayed alone at school with my head hung down in shame.

In my dictionary, the word CONFIDENCE had never existed.

I hided myself behind the aureole of those outstanding students who were always that confident and smart, owning the qualities I lacked. I hoped one day I would become one of them, but the recall of others' ridicule totally dispelled my idea. How could I make a change? How could I build my confidence? I still hung my head in shame perhaps hardly could I find the answer.

Life is an ongoing process filled miracles. I accidentally found my answer during my first semester at high school. It was really a surprise that my English teacher recommended me to attend the WHC held at Peking University in March.

"Why don't you have some self-confidence?" My teacher gazed at me when I told her I didn't want to attend because anyone else could do better.

"Confidence in myself?" I muttered.
Her words woke me up. For the past 15 years, I had NO I CAN'T as my tag and submerged myself in the apprehension of failure and ridicule, never dared I to challenge myself. Perhaps this time, I should make a bet, a bet on myself, a bet to quest for confidence.

"I will do it."

In the following days, I fully flung myself into the preparation and felt my confidence was gradually on its way until one day I passed the common room.

"Hey, did you hear that Alice that weird girl will attend the WHC this march?"
"Yeah, I was so surprised how such an inexperienced and taciturn person could attend this important competition."
"How did the teacher make the decision? She was sure to hinder our school performance."
"Haha, Let's just wait and see."

Their words pulled me up short outside the room, the hot coffee in my cup poured out with my trembling hands. My mind was all blank with no words to knock back. I run the fastest ever in my life to find a place with nobody. Finally, I leaned against the wall of school garden so vulnerably with tears coursed down the cheers unconsciously. My memory flashed back to the day and night I struggled for the competition. So longing to change the stereotype others had did I pay every effort to win this bet. However, their words confirmed my diffidence. I was afraid of losing again, losing the bet of my life. How could I believe myself when no one else believed me? With no experience and confidence, there was no place to prove myself. They told the truth. I should give up not to become a foolish figure. Confidence was groundless utterance to me.

As I was heading for the teachers' office, a beautiful blue butterfly that flitted agilely caught my attention. I slowed down to watch this amazing creature. Unexpectedly I reminded what I learned in the biology class. Every caterpillar must pass through the cocoon stage to become a butterfly, but whether it can finally fly freely depended on its endurance of pain. A caterpillar could be transformed into a beautiful butterfly only when it spread its wings from the cocoon and flied away, or it will surely die in the cocoon if it doesn't go through this process of emergence. I suddenly realized the butterfly and I had so much in common. To the butterfly, it must break the shackle of cocoon. To me, the diffidence was what I must defeat. The process of transformation was destined to be filled with blood and pain. However, as long as we relentlessly quest for our dreams, the arduous effort would be ultimately turned into our desirable fruits. The power of the nature endowed me with the answer: I need to break the shackle of diffidence no matter how hard it would be.

The competition day finally arrived.
"You have 20 minutes for your presentation." I heard the chair's instruction with my head still hung down. My mind was blank again. Consequently, the sound of others' ridicule, the ambivalence of my bet, the picture of my hardworking all floated through my mind like a real film. Ultimately, all the images folded up into a beautiful butterfly flying freely in the sky. I raised up my head. Hundreds of eyes stared at me. I began my presentation with a sincere smile.

The other day, when I was walking on the campus with a certificate of excellence in my bag, I finally looked up, what came into my view was a beautiful blue flying freely in azure sky with the sunshine was touching every corner around. All the hardship and pain passed as transient clouds. I smiled to myself.

Ultimately, the word Confidence is engraved on the cover of my dictionary of life.

Just because it is your first draft, does not mean it does not have to be well written. Since you yourself have admitted that it is not well written, then I wont comment on the grammar. You can submit a revised version, and perhaps reading over that will be better.

*From the first sentence, I knew where you going.
When you said this: 'In my dictionary, the word CONFIDENCE had never existed.
I had a feeling you would refer to this in the ending. So i decided to scroll down and check.


Bingo. I was right. Its a sign that perhaps, you should be more creative so that your essay is more powerful and more striking to it's readers.

I then skim read the main body. Wow. Your significant experience was seeing a butterfly and then comparing yourself to it.
You are no Thomas Hardy, and it is quite unlikely that you saw inspiration from a 'Darkling Thrush', or a butterfly in your case. Ok fine, maybe you did.


^I am sorry, but that just sounds too fabricated to me.

Also, the conversation part:
"Hey, did you hear that Alice that weird girl will attend the WHC this march?"
"Yeah, I was so surprised how such an inexperienced and taciturn person could attend this important competition."
"How did the teacher make the decision? She was sure to hinder our school performance."
"Haha, Let's just wait and see."

^It kind of sounds as if you just typed it up, rather than quote the exact words of those people.

Basically, I kind of get the impression that this essay is a bit fake. As it is fake, it fails to impress me.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR COMMENTS. I will try hard to improve it.
All the stories above are true in my life. perhaps it sounds fabricated to you.
Plus, I haven't drew inspirations from 'Darkling Thrush', it is sorry that I don't even know Thomas Hardy... It seems that I need to read more...

I know all the readers will guess the ending of this story. But I value the process I change.
Anyway thank you for your advice.I will revise it.

I'm going to disagree with Liebe. It's good that you match your introduction and conclusion in that way. It's true that for advanced creative writing this would be too heavy-handed, but for an undergraduate admission essay it is just right.

I like the lively and engaging tone of the essay. It is quite well written already, and will be even stronger if you correct the grammatical errors.

Here's some help on that:

When I first learned to walk downstairs at two, I had myself fell off the staircase like a rolling ball.

When I first employed the iron at six, I accidentally burned a lovely rabbit icon onto the cover of a book.

As I grew , my doubt that I was not as intelligent as others seemed to be confirmed by my poor academic performance, which made me a foolish figure in class.

For the past 15 years, I had " NO I CAN'T" as my tag and submerged myself in the apprehension of failure and ridicule, never daringI to challenge myself.

Thank you simone ^^ actually you give me some confidence to revise this passage...
Actually, I am a little confused whether I should put my main idea at striking places (like at the beginning or in the end) It seems that if I do so, my passage will not be so engaging. The AO will know what I am going to talk about after they read the first sentence. But my friends always tell me that the AO only has 2-3 minutes to read your essay, so it is vital for you to highlight your main idea. So I just did according to what they say in the above passage. But clearly I was 'criticized' by Liebe by doing this.

So can you give me some suggestions? Thank you in advance ^^

I'm glad to hear that!


I think you've got it right. Your engaging list of foibles comes first, drawing the reader in. Then comes your dictionary reference, which foreshadows but does not give away (whatever Liebe says) your concluding metaphor. So, my advise is to say with the structure you have and revise only for grammar and punctuation.