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Everyone needs a moment of clarification; UT- SOP


killerdestiny 1 / -  
Feb 27, 2013   #1
Is it too long? does it make sense? does the essay actually make sense for the statement of purpose essay.

Everyone needs a moment of clarification, an epiphany you may say; where a thousand piece puzzle suddenly makes sense to someone who might have been trying to solve it for an inconsiderable amount of time. Throughout our lives we get opportunities to make a difference, a change to either our self, or the life of someone around us. Every day we seek for that opportunity which lays in front of us yet we are too blind to see it and pray for a spark to set the fire inside us to be the change that we want to see; an epiphany. Mine came as I saw my father's stocks trading account drop a colossal eighty-three percent. Now I admit it was not much of an account to begin with, because it barely had $2,000 dollars that he had been saving up. It took him almost two years to save up that type of money, because in our financial situation saving money was difficult but not impossible. During that time I was frustrated that there was nothing I could do to help my dad prevent such a loss. It had racketed my mind for days, and finally while speaking to my mentor in religious classes I had my moment of clarification. As I saw, as it lay there before, was an opportunity to be the change that I wanted to see in my own sorrows.

I did all I could think of to help. I read a few books about investing, and tried to learn the ins and outs of the stock market. I watched hours upon hours of videos on the internet about different trading techniques. I made a paper trading accounts on several trading platforms. I had learned and absorbed a vast amount of information. I could trade using Bollinger bands, moving averages of fifty, and even price action. After all these attempts not to mention the countless hours I had invested into this endeavor I made very little progress. A couple of weeks later I found myself in my counselor's office, and she asked me what I wanted to do in my life. I told her my story and she introduced me to a finance major. He worked as an analyst at a nearby firm, but he also did day trading on side to make a bit of safety cash as he called it. I decided that I would pursue finance as a major because while I had little results in my attempts online I loved the experience. I know people that are twice my age who are too scared to invest in the stock market, but I as a twenty year old was happy with the environment.

I had my spark and my path of education laid out before me, but to achieve it we as a family had to work together. After seeing my dad slave over a cash register for almost 10 years without me being able to help hurt me; It devastated my pride as a son to see him go to work at 1pm and come back around almost 13 hours later. I had seen enough; I could not just stand by and let my dad be the only one that worked. My dream of educating myself and of becoming somebody had to take a slight detour during this time. So to help my family I joined the work force, but I also continued to pursue my dream of learning. I studied full-time to ensure that when the time came to move to a four-year university I was ready. My first job was a sales representative at Sprint, I assumed it was going to be simple to just sell phones to customers, but that was the furthest thing from the truth. My advice and honesty meant a great deal to these people and they listen to every word I said. This time in my life I matured faster than ever before. At work I learned about the minute details of people's body language. I learned of the different types of ways to introduce myself, and carry a conversation. These interactions taught me things that speech classes could not; it made me realize it's not difficult at all to get to know someone. If that was what I learned at work then through my time at school I was taught disciple to carry a rigorous schedule. This time in my life has been challenging and tough, but it has been loads of fun meeting and interacting with people.

This unique look at the world for someone of my age gave me a more logical and realistic view on what to expect out of not just myself but others around me as well. It gave me an original point of view to a huge amount of situations. My goal of recovering money from the market that my dad had lost and earning a living in the cutthroat world of finance still stands. After going through everything so far in my life I believe I'm a much better person for it. My confidence in these last few years has skyrocketed thanks to having a job and studying. The future will hold many ups and downs, but with the right education I will persevere. This is why I should be accepted in the university so I can develop and learn more about the world around me and myself. This is my purpose.
mascot92 1 / 2  
Mar 1, 2013   #3
I enjoyed your story but have a few grammatical corrections.

Throughout our lives we get opportunities to make a difference, a change to either ourselves, or the life of someone around us. Everyday we seek for that opportunity which lays in front of us yet we are too blind to see it and pray for a spark to set the fire inside us to be the change that we want to see; an epiphany.

I made paper trading accounts on several trading platforms. I learned and absorbed a vast amount of information.

He worked as an analyst at a nearby firm, but he also did day trading on the side to make a bit of safety cash as he called it. I decided that I would pursue finance as a major because while I had little results in my attempts online, I loved the experience. I know people that are twice my age who are too scared to invest in the stock market, but I as a twenty-year-old was happy with the environment.

My first job was a sales representative at Sprint. I assumed it was going to be simple just sell phones to customers, but that was the furthest thing from the truth.

and be careful with overusing words. I am no expert but hope this helps!
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Mar 7, 2013   #4
It's good if you posted the prompt such as "topic of choice" or "significant achievement" etc.... Then we would have an idea as to comment in line with those expected features.

Throughout our lives we get opportunities to make a difference, a change to either our self, or the life of someone around us.

.... I suggest you to rephrase this slightly;
Throughout our lives we get opportunities to make a difference, to adapt in new environments and to change ourselves.

Every day we seek for that opportunity which lays in front of us, yet we are too blind to see it and pray for a spark to set the fire inside us to be the change that we want to see; an epiphany.

... this sentence is too long and therefore it doesn't flow very well. I suggest you to rephrase it.

It took him almost two years to save up that typeamount of money, because inwith our financial situation saving money was difficult but not impossible.

I had my spark and my path of education laid out before me, but to achieve it we as a family had to work together.

I wish if you do not complicate your sentence with too many words that give a sort of crowded feeling to your idea.... Tell things in a simple, yet interesting tone. The first part really does not reveal much to the reader although you have included too many things there. Don't have your writing too crowded


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