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'Everyone was not satisfied with our monitor' - How did you get caught?


zealzou 11 / 54  
Dec 1, 2009   #1
How did you get caught? --- U Chicago's essay

Everyone was not satisfied with our monitor. My friends said that this guy was timid to make decision and unaware of our needs. Some suggested that I took place of him because I was a friend with everyone and they would be willing to have me as the monitor, but I laughed and refused. I just embarrassed the guy on every occasion, and our class was in a funny mess.

On December 27th, 2007, my sixteenth birthday, we went to an auditorium for a concert in the afternoon. Ms Wang told us to have lunch at school and arrive there by 1:30. However, a couple of my friends said they wanted to go out. "It's your birthday. Let's go somewhere else."

Their words stirred my will of rebellion. I looked at Ms Wang and thought, why should I listen to you?

Finally, we went to a pizza restaurant. Surprisingly, the monitor came with us. He sat at the same table though hardly anybody spoke to him. At last, I said to him, "Since you have come, let's eat together."

I was initially happy because I had "summoned him to surrender". Contrary to my expectation, he left the restaurant after eating only one piece. We immediately discovered that he was a spy who had gone to inform it to the teacher. It was 1:15 already! When we arrived at the auditorium, Ms Wang was right there waiting at the door while the monitor was snickering beside her. I was fooled; we got caught.

That day, Ms Wang talked a lot with me. She asked me why I insisted on breaking the rules and also led others to do so. "You are influential in the class. I will feel hard to manage everything if you take the lead to break the rules. Have you ever thought what I shall do if you do whatever you like and other boys too? I know you are not satisfied with the monitor, but I hope you can think ways to solve the problem, not to make more trouble to show your discontentment."

I went home alone that day. Ms Wang's words echoed again and again in my mind. I calmed down, and rethought what I had done all this days. I had always considered myself as a leader of the students, but was I? Is being a leader just like creating a mess in the class with my friends? A true leader should at least take his responsibility.

I was more orthodox after that day. I finally entered our class election and was elected as the monitor. Actually, that job was not easy. I once had prejudice over our former monitor because of his "inability", but the truth was that I didn't understand unless I was on his position. On many situations, our prejudice is not because of misunderstanding, but refusing to understand. Besides, shouldn't an open and friendly person be broadminded, aiming to do something good, rather than so cynical and always eager to find other's faults? If I can influence others, I should do something that is beneficial for everyone; if I cannot, I should at least comely with the rules. This will not make me look unintelligent. The important thing is not how much I can influence people, but how much I can benefit them.

The 7 boys who went together to eat out that day became brothers in our soccer team and short movie studio. When we were fighting together for our trophy and our movie, I felt completely different from before. We supported each other, finished the task together efficiently, and promised each other to cooperate again in the future. In those days, I realized the first time the true happiness of being a friend and a leader.

Please review. Thanks!~
kayyao 6 / 20  
Dec 1, 2009   #2
"he was no more than the teacher's pet."you probably should not say this~~
"orthodoxy" is the adjective; why did you quotation marked it?
7seven;
you have some problems with your punctuation.
good luck~~lol
OP zealzou 11 / 54  
Dec 1, 2009   #3
Yeah,you are right...I won't use that "teacher's pet"...that's not good maybe
I will not use the quotation mark, and orthodox just expressed it well
Thanks for your help!~ More suggestons and critiques please!~
OP zealzou 11 / 54  
Dec 2, 2009   #4
Please! Welcome more suggestions and critiques. I am looking for help.
OP zealzou 11 / 54  
Dec 3, 2009   #5
I am waiting eagerly for comments about this U Chi essay! Thanks a lot for your help!
elizabeth_h1 1 / 6  
Dec 3, 2009   #6
Good work! I would add in a small part to explain why you were chosen to be the new moniter. Other than that, excellent!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 3, 2009   #7
sixteenth instead of 16th...

comma:
I just embarrassed the guy on every occasion, and our class was in a funny mess.

I looked at Ms. Wang and thought, Why should I listen to these peers of mine?

If I can influence others, I should do something that is beneficial for everyone; if I cannot , I should at least comply with the rules. Compliance will not make me look unintelligent . The important thing is not how much I can influence people , but how much I can benefit them .
OP zealzou 11 / 54  
Dec 5, 2009   #8
Thank you,Kevin! I won't use numbers that much...I would use words instead. How do you think of the idea of this passage? I want to show my understanding of "leadership". Do I need to talk more about it and reveal something more?... I have always been worrying that this might be still "too little to apply for chicago...."
yahyakhan 1 / 4  
Dec 6, 2009   #9
i think you should review your essay and correct some of the grammar and punctuation mistakes. also
it is my humble opinion that rather than saying that the monitor was the teachers pet and that u embarrased him on every occasion, u should replace these sentences with something moderate because at the end of the day the admin officials are looking into an insight into your personality
big heart 1 / 14  
Dec 6, 2009   #10
I really like the story and have to admit that at some points in your essay i do feel eager to read on. But i just really want to know after you became a monitor did you still think ill of your previous monitor? After you put yourself in his shoe did you feel any sympathy for him? I just think it will do your essay good if you can give us some conclusion for this special character of your story.

I thank you so much for your comments on my essay and i'm so happy that you're moved by it!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 6, 2009   #11
In that first part, when you mention embarrassing him at every opportunity, you should add one sentence that "foreshadows" the revelation that is coming. Add a sentence that says something like:

I just embarrassed the guy on every occasion and our class was in a funny mess. I would soon learn that this was not the way to participate in leadership.
OP zealzou 11 / 54  
Dec 7, 2009   #12
You are right...thanks~! In my revision I have replaced this sentence. I won't use any language that is not suitable here in an self reflective essay,...And I will do more to reflect on myself rather than criticising our monitor~

Big Heart ==

Thank you for your comment! I think you have given me a great suggestion. My understnading of "being a monotor" has changed after the event and I am now a good friend of our monotor ( hard to believe...haha) The thing has taught me to view everything objectively, so my prejudice of him actually disappeared. In addition, I think being tolerent and broadminded is an important point of real leadership, and I am also reflecting what I had done when I try to embarrase someone I didn't like...

Kevin..
Good idea...maybe that would raise reader's interest...thanks!
OP zealzou 11 / 54  
Dec 10, 2009   #13
I revised this essay these days according to your suggestions~~ How is it now? Thanks~!

This one is a bit longer, because I talked about something more in the last two paragraphs. Please help me have a look. Many thanks!~
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 12, 2009   #14
Everyone was not unsatisfied with our (class monitor?) monitor. My friends said that this guy was too timid to make decision and unaware of our needs.

You made some great changes to this. It's a big improvement.
OP zealzou 11 / 54  
Dec 27, 2009   #15
thank you sooooo much, kevin, and other friends' suggestions on this!~...I revised it several times would finnaly use it~~


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