Thirteen years of living with the dark skin boy, who looks nothing like either of my parents, finally makes me realize what an extraordinary influence my brother has been on my life. He is a boy whose heart is filled with love. He is a boy full of enthusiasm. Through his simple and easy thoughts, he has become my little role model in many ways. Though he is five years younger than me, he made me come to understand the sense of responsibility, care for others, and acceptance.
Having been the youngest in our family, I have always been the one who is being taken care of. Eight years ago, my brother was invited to his first birthday party in our neighborhood. My parents and I were all so excited, yet worried at the same time. The birthday boy and my brother had not been on good terms since my brother's first day at his new school. At the time of the party the birthday boy told my brother, I walked my brother to his so called friend's house. By the time we arrived, the party was already on its way to the main event. We walked back quietly, hands in hands, without a sound or noise coming from each one of us. I could see the disappointment in my brother's eyes, trying to hold back his tears till we reach the house. Years later did I realize that I was no longer the little girl that needs protection, but I was already protecting my little brother in my own way. I have come to value what I have learned from the incidence: responsibility and care on both myself and others.
As my brother grows older, I was no longer able to protect him within the perimeters of our house. He has already been meeting many others in the real world. However, he continues to transform my life with his actions. While there are still bullies and people he dislikes in school, he came to become best friend with John. Despite his relationship with John, John was also in close relationship to a boy my brother had troubles with in the past. Seeing the boy and my brother play so happily together made me wonder what is going on. Like a police, I questioned my brother continuously, scared the boy will hurt my brother again. Although he was the one who was wounded, he was more accepted than me. He told me that because John and the boy are good friends, he will learn to like the boy too, so they can all play together. In the six years since my brother forgave the boy, I have learned to become more acceptance of others, notwithstanding the past differences. If my brother, at the age of seven, could understand the values of others, so can I.
Everything that my brother has done has been chances for me to grow. While being with my brother has been spectacular, I have learned valuable lessons along with my brother. Without him knowing, he has given me a chance mature along with him, and he has enriched my life with his acceptance for others. In his simple and easy thoughts, I have seen the never ending learning experiences through life.
Hi Fanedy,
I think your idea is a good one. You want to talk about your brother and the way he has influenced you. However, I think you should pay more attention to your grammar and the way you express your idea since there are some confused sentences in your essay.
Here is some of my ideas.
The first paragraph:
- who looks nothing like either of my parents -> who looks like neither of my parents.
- fwhat an extraordinary influence my brother has been on my life --> my brother has had on my life
- He is a boy whose heart is filled with love. He is a boy full of enthusiasm --> He is an enthusiastic boy whose heart is full of love.
- he made me come to understand the sense of responsibility, care for others, and acceptance. --> he have made me come to understand the meaning of responsibility, of the care for others and of acceptance.
The second one:
- Having been the youngest in our family, I have always been the one who is being taken care of --> I really don't understand who you are talking about. I think you want to mention your brother here.
- yet worried at the same time.
- the time of the party the birthday boy told my brother, I walked my brother to his so called friend's house --> you need to rewrite this sentence in a clearer way.
- without a sound or noise coming from each one of us -> without making any sound.
- I could see the disappointment in my brother's eyes, trying to hold back his tears till we reach the house --> who is trying to hold back tears? you need to rewrite this sentence. I think you'd better divide it into two sentences.
- but I was already protecting my little brother in my own way --> but a sister who had already protected her brother in her own way.
The third one: :
- As my brother grows older, I was no longer able to protect him within the perimeters of our house.--> As my brother grew up, I was no longer able to protect him within the perimeters of our house
-He has already been meeting many others in the real world --> Maybe you can change to: He had his relationship with other people outside family.
- However, he continues to transform my life with his actions --> continued
- While there are still bullies and people he dislikes in school, he came to become best friend with John. -> you just need to say simply that your brother had a new friend named John.
- Despite his relationship with John , John was also in close relationship to a boy my brother had troubles with in the past--> with my brother, ... to a boy whom my brother ...
- Seeing the boy and my brother play so happily together made me wonder what is going on --> Seeing the boy and my brother playing so happily together made me wonder what was going on
- Like a police, I questioned my brother continuously --> In my opinion, i think you should rewrite the way you react when you see that scene. With your sentence now, it is a little bit .... ummmmmm, maybe aggressive? I am sorry if i use the wrong word. May be you can correct in a way like : I was so worried. I was scared that my brother would get hurt again; therefore, I had a talk with him .
- he was more accepted than me --> he was more altruistic than me
- . He told me that because John and the boy are good friends, he will learn to like the boy too
--> . He told me that because John and the boy were good friends, he would learn to like the boy too
- For the six years since the day my brother forgave the boy
The conclusion:
I think you should rewrite all the conclusion. You use so many "present perfect tense" here. It makes the reader feel kind of boring.
--> I think it is just the beginning! With your effort, i believe you can have a good essay!
Good luck.
Having been the youngest in our family, I have always been the one who is being taken care of.
The verb tense is difficult in this sentence... it is not your falt... this kind of sentence is difficult for everyone!
Having been the youngest in our family, I have always been the one
who is being taken care of.---I fixed it by crossing out 2 words.
Google the word "perimeter" to see what it means. :-)
This sentence is written in a brilliant way, very good!----> If my brother, at the age of seven, could understand the values of others, so can I.
