Hi, this my first time to do this. I wrote an essay for University of Notre Dame using an idea that I am not sure I can use so I need your comments.
Prompt: What excites you about attending Notre Dame?
I was allowed 200 words to answer this question, but I only need less than 150 words to say exactly why I want to attend ND. So, at the end, you will find some words that you may or may not know their meanings, yet they do have one.
I had some thorough conversations with a current student, and I was automatically drawn to ND when he said "It's like family here, there's no place else where you live in the same building for four years with people of different ages, majors, backgrounds and cultures". For me, that's the type of community I want to be a part of. Particularly, neuroscience and behavioral psychology are my fascination. I have been following up with prof. Gerald Haeffel's research in clinical psychology about cognitive vulnerability and studies in mind-mood connection, and, if admitted, I want to join his research team and be part of his C&E Lab. With its rigorous science program, harmonious community and connection between studies, faith and ethics, I'm more than excited to learn from ND, not at it.
Ab ortu clarior futura ad suscipiendos cineres, aut viis suis, et ascendet super omnes ego mundo. Intellectualis, absque limite, fidelia.
Abdel, what excites you about attending Notre Dame should not be based on hearsay from other students that have attended or are attending the university at the moment. Remember that the experience of other people at the university may not be the same as your potential experience so to base your desire to attend the university solely on the word of another student is not the best way to approach this essay.
Try to look at the educational objectives of Notre Dame. Do you identify with their objectives or goals? if you do, then discuss that in the essay. Offer it as one of the reasons you were drawn to the university. Or, you can just center your discussion about what excites you about the university on the work of Prof. Gerald Haeffel. by describing your fascination with the topic he is researching and offering some information about how you see yourself doing your own research in a related field at ND, utilizing their lab and other facilities in the process, you can generate an visualized excitement about what makes the university special to you and why you would be excited to go to school there.
Thanks so much for your review,, I will try to write it again including what u told me. I also need your opinion about the idea of answering the question, the Latin phrase I mean?!
The Latin phrase that you mention does not seem to be part of the university motto so I am not exactly sure what you mean by including it in this response. Now remember, not everyone, in fact, very few people speak Latin in the modern world so there is a very good chance you will lose the reviewer if he is not familiar with the Latin text that you wrote. My advice is that you should explain what the term means in English, just in case. Also, make sure that it is really a relevant text in relation to the statement response you developed otherwise you might end up just wasting the word count in the process.
Like you said in the first part of the essay, it may sound like gibberish but it has sense and meaning. So explain what it is that you mean, in English for the benefit of all concerned. In fact, the first part of your response really comes across as over confident to the point of being a show off so I would like to caution you about that. Add that to the Latin at the end and you might not really make a good first impression on the reviewer. If you can tone it down a bit and relate it to my suggested revision then you should be able to deliver a satisfactory response to the prompt.
The latin phrase means: Rising from the ashes towards a brighter future, either ways, I am going to rise above all and own the world. Intellectual, limitless, faithless. Do you think it's relative??
Abdel, like i said, you don't need to use the Latin phrase in the essay unless you are a student of Latin Studies. It doesn't really add anything to the essay if you say something in a tongue other than English. Mainly because you know very well that the reader is an English speaker and will not have any idea as to what the Latin expression means. I would rather that you omit all references to that Latin saying instead.
Deleting it will not have any untoward effect on the paper that you are writing. Instead, it will adversely affect it if you keep the Latin statement in. Rather, I would suggest that you use the now available word count (after yo udelete the latin words and references to it) to explain yourself in English. Using the Latin terms as a basis, develop another statement that you believes relates to the reasons why you are excited about attending ND. You can actually use that particular Latin Statement, in English, to explain why you are extremely excited about attending ND.
