Hey guys,
This is what I have so far. Looking to transfer from Hampshire College to Cornell University
6-10-2006
Subject: The Road Less Traveled- San Blas Islands, Panama
Message: Dear Mia, Hola! We're excited to confirm your enrollment in our summer-service trip to the San Blas Islands! Grab your work gloves and get ready for the experience of a lifetime!
5-7-2009
Subject: American Jewish World Service- Volunteer Summer application.
Message: Dear Mia, Congratulations! Based on your application and interview, you have been selected from over sixty applicants to be a participant in our summer trip to Ghana, Africa.
10-25-2010
Subject: Short-term field course, "Field Study in Women's Health in El Salvador"
Message: Dear Mia Reilly, Congratulations! You have been accepted into Hampshire's January Short-Term Field Course, Field Study in Women's Health in El Salvador. We hope you will take advantage of this exciting opportunity!
When I finally accomplished the impossible and convinced my mother to let me join the exciting new realm of social networking, setting up my Facebook page was easy. I effortlessly summed up my fifteen-year-old self on the profile page. Basic Information: check. Picture: I had picked it out weeks before. Activities and interests, obvious: "traveling", "helping others", and "learning about new cultures".
As a fifteen-year-old, and now, as a freshman in college, my interests have revolved around the injustices of the world, particularly those affecting women. Thus my desire to volunteer abroad. I went to both to Panama and Ghana based on the assumption that I would be making a change, stepping out of my suburban experience to see the injustices of the world, and playing a role in improving the standard of living of women in developing nations. However, my time at Hampshire College has helped me realize that those experiences "traveling", "helping others" and "learning about new cultures" were not necessarily as positive as I once believed.
The time that I have spent at Hampshire College has pushed me in ways I could not have imagined. Most importantly, Hampshire has challenged me to critically examine and analyze every experience from a multiple viewpoints. Now, upon such examination, I have come to realize that the time I spent learning about the "marginalized locals", building structures deemed necessary by American organizations, and taking pictures of all the injustices that my white, middle-class eyes could see, possibly left little positive impact on anyone other than myself.
I wish to transfer to Cornell University because my experiences volunteering abroad, combined with my time at Hampshire College, has taught me that activism can be shallow if not accompanied by scholarship. Passion alone is not enough; it must be accompanied by in depth knowledge of the concepts for which one advocates.
Hampshire College has been an exceptional stepping-stone and allowed me to grow as an individual and academic. As my transcript shows, I have pushed myself to take the highest-level classes that the college offers, as well as taken leadership roles in extracurricular activities. The liberal arts curriculum has given me the opportunity to solidify my passions for women's studies, and at the same time allowed me to explore new areas of interest, such as public health. Most importantly, my experience at Hampshire has helped me identify the elements of an environment that will be most conducive to my personal and academic growth.
I'll then go on to identify these things and how i believe i can find them at Cornell
I stared at this top part for a long time. I am afraid it is info overload for people who read a lot of essays. But with a subtle change, you can make it awesome:
Subject: The Road Less Traveled- San Blas Islands, Panama
So it looks like this:
6-10-2006
Message: Dear Mia, Hola! We're excited to confirm your enrollment in our summer-service trip to the San Blas Islands! Grab your work gloves and get ready for the experience of a lifetime!
Don't use more commas than necessary... they are like stop-and-go traffic.
As a fifteen-year-old, and now as a freshman in college, my interests... in fact, you could write this sentence without any commas. But I like it this way.
depth knowledge of the concepts for which one advocates. -----Okay, well, the essay does not really say much about theory that underlies the work... does not really have anything about research studies or books you have been reading. This essay is impressive and persuasive, but I think you can make it even better with more discussion of research... for example, ethnographic studies... and any books or articles that help show your intentions and plan.
:-)
