I'm still revising my essay...
I have to finish it at least before 11/30
My essay is about my life after my mother's death
One of my friends reviewed it and said that my essay does not tell many things about me
Any harsh comments or advises are welcomed!
'Excuse me, is your mom home?'
Typical question they usually asked me after confirming a young voice of the junior recipient. I used to get this kind of uninvited phone calls at least once a day. Phone calls made to randomly picked numbers from a list that they somehow acquired. These phone calls were usually about new insurance item or home shopping catalogues. Five seconds were enough to hang up the call. Nevertheless, that short moment was such an agonizing experience to me back then.
Growing up without mom since I was 13, I am used to doing everything by myself. I did my laundry, prepared meals, washed dishes, and even took care of my younger brother since I was a little boy. I was much more independent than other boys at my age, and wanted others to respect it. However, many people did not seem to recognize me as a strong and independent individual. They just wanted to consider me as a helpless little boy and felt sorry for me form their self-made misconception about me. Discontent about not being realized as a strong individual, I grew hypersensitive about trivial things that seemed to neglect my independence. Phone calls looking for my mom were the most intolerable because they both reminded me my painful memories and neglected my pride as a strong individual. I knew that they did not intend on hurting my feelings, but every time I answered those phone calls, I felt as if they are mocking me intentionally. Answering spam calls left me in depression with a melancholy feeling for the rest of the day. Nevertheless, now I know it is a funny thing to be afraid of those anonymous phone-callers. I do not hesitate to answer phone calls any more. Small incident from my typical day changed everything.
It was an ordinary afternoon when the incident happened. On that typical afternoon, I was on my daily routine, helping out my brother with his homework. The phone rang. I was the one to pick up the call.
'Hello.'
'Excuse me. I have a wonderful insurance item for you. Uh...May I talk to your mom?'
'It was just the same kind of phone calls that I used to get hundreds of times. I could just hang up the phone as I had done before. However, this time was a little different. There was a brief pause. Neither one of us said a word.
'Hello?' Are you still there?'
Somehow I found myself coming up with an unexpected response.
'I take care of everything by myself. You should talk to me if you got some business.'
'...'
There was a beeping sound indicating that the call was disconnected. I guess she was quite surprised by my response. I still do not know how those words came out from my mouth. All I remember is that I just wanted others to recognize how independent and strong I was. I felt much better after throwing out the words that was imbedded deep in my heart. Suddenly, the door opened with a cracking sound and my dad came in.
'Who was calling?'
'Nothing, she called on a wrong number.'
great essay, but when using small numbers such as 5, its better to put it in words. "Five seconds were enough to hang up the call." "Growing up without mom since I was thirteen"
Common App Essay "Can I talk to your mom?"
I'm writing my common app essay and I need your help
My essay is about my experience after I lost my mother
Any harsh comments and advises are welcomed :)
Prompt: Topic of your own
form-->from
some comma split errors.
"You should talk to me if you got some business." might make you sound like a rude person, maybe:
"Is there anything you need? I can take care of everything by myself."
Otherwise, WOW, powerful essay. This is actually one of the few college essays I've been touched by (Not even my own). Great job, really.
Great development, very special. A few mistakes that could easily be fixed through an english teacher.
Where is this essay going to? An Ivy I imagine?
Wow, this essay is touching. Your strength and independence comes out well in this essay, something colleges are likely looking for. The use of the phone conversations is incredibly effective. The only thing I caught were a few spelling errors, and as the person above said, some grammatical things. Otherwise, good luck with your quest for college admittance!
Thank you for your advises:)
I was worried because my essay can sound little morbid
and one of my friends said my essay does not tell enough about myself
I'm glad you guys enjoyed it!
No, this essay is PERFECT for admissions, it's not only written in an unique way, it also gives a fair image of your independent self.
Also, this essay keeps the reader interested, and that's really all you want to do. I mean, the reader can stop at ANY point and move on (remember his pile of 5k other essays). But your essay captures the reader, and that's valuable.
Can you post some of your other essays? I really enjoy reading them.
