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'I executed my game plan perfectly' - Personal Experience


Bam Bam 1 / 1  
Nov 2, 2011   #1
Prompt #2 Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

It was scary and intimidating stepping into the gym my first day of boxing. The punching bags swayed back and forth caused by the wind coming in through the open garage door. Jump ropes, like the ones you would use when you were little, hung from a pin on a wall. Gloves, mitts, and headgear sat on a shelf and a heavy stench of sweat filled the room.

I stepped into the gym for the first time and from a distance I could see the main trainer standing in one corner of a brand new ring. He stared attentively a two guys sparring. One of those guys would later become my sparring partner.

I trained for a whole month before I eventually entered the ring, a whole month conditioning myself and learning every skill of boxing. When I first stepped into the ring I felt nervous and a little intimidated. The guy I was going up against was well experienced, four inches taller than me, and ten pounds heavier than me. I had to fight him, however, because he was the closest to my weight. Everything was set, the Vaseline ran down my face and the bell rang. I had the game plan in my head but for some reason I couldn't execute it. I was totally outclassed that day. I fought him three times more in a span two weeks and lost all three times. I felt demoralized and I felt like quitting boxing, but I kept going.

I went one whole month without fighting. I spent that whole carefully elevating my skills, and coming up with a new fight plan to fight the taller guy. I worked extra harder that month so that I could prove that I belonged in boxing. I was determined to succeed.

Finally, the day to avenge my defeats came. This time I felt confident and I was ready. I was even anxious for the fight to start. So the bell rang and I executed my game plan perfectly. I was able to get inside the taller fighter and beat him to the punch every time. Then in the final round I was able to knock him down with a left hook the body.

I felt very proud that day. All the hard work had paid off and I was able to prove that I belonged in boxing. My boxing class had become a positive experience in my life. This episode in my life demonstrates my determination and perseverance in the face of adversity and challenge. These qualities are only two of many that would make me a valuable addition to the university of _________________________
misternuance - / 7  
Nov 3, 2011   #2
i like it. you clearly show not only your determination and perseverance but also your courage to fight this guy four times
your hook is simple but strong
your conclusion is good but you could possibly end with something relating to your experience, maybe not why you are a great decision to so-and-so university.
Ellis - / 10  
Nov 3, 2011   #3
The punching bags swayed back and forth caused by the wind coming in through the open garage door .

Wordy, not needed.

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Jump ropes, like the ones you would use when you were little, hung from a pins on a wall.

Again, not needed. I think everyone knows what a jump rope is.

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He stared attentively at two guys sparring.

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I trained for a whole month before I eventually entered the ring; a whole month conditioning myself and learning every skill of boxing.

Run on sentence, try to reword it or move it beind for a whole month.

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The guyI was going up against was well experienced, four inches taller than me , and ten pounds heavier than me.

Replace The guy with My first opponent.

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I fought him three times more in [within ] a span two weeks and lost all three times.

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I spent that whole [month ] carefully elevating my skills, and coming up with a new fight plan to fight the taller guy [defeat him ].

Avoid using guy.

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SoT he bell rang and I executed my game plan perfectly.

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I like your idea, but there are a lot of minor errors.

It would be best if you changed your conclusion:

"These qualities are only two of many that would make me a valuable addition to the university of _________________________"

You want to say how this experience will help you succeed in college and beyond, not why a college should accept you.


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