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'the ever expanding culture of the United States' - experience

brutal1231 2 / 2  
Jan 14, 2012   #1
Answering: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

Essay: Coming over to the United States and trying to adapt to the refined culture of the United States.

In the ever-expanding culture of the United States, it's natural for one to feel tempted to fit in with the rest of society. Mockery could go a long way, and when you stand out from the crowd it becomes overwhelming to avoid the negatively saturated, directed viewpoints of others.

In third grade, I was the individual who stood out. I had been living in the United States for only two months when I was thrust into the American education system. From the day I arrived on American soil in the middle of August, I recall lying in bed, staring at the midnight sky, glaring at the misshapen trees and fallen ivy formed by the natural forces of Mother Nature from my bedroom window, as I lay still in a state of fear and agony. I was afraid... scared of what others might think of my personality and my differences, and terrified of the accusation that they would express towards my religion. A month was not enough time to adapt, so let's just say for the remaining days, I felt like a boy lost in a jungle.

It was early September and the first day of school was nearing. Consumed by stress and anxiety, I spent the majority of my remaining days reading about American life. I felt as though growth required research and understanding; however I realized that I was only wasting more time. Eventually my hope was depleted. I wanted to go back and dissolve my memories into oblivion, but somewhere between the large evergreen trees and the fields where deer grazed, I lost myself to America's natural charm and became forgetful. Hypnotized by its beauty, I was instantly struck with an awakening. I realized that America was formed by a foundation of ideas; by ordinary men whom which seek to create extraordinary things. By those individuals who did not care about fitting into society and being average, but rather offering something unique from which societies could benefit. Those were the selected few that went on to earn their marks and become highly respected. Suddenly, I felt the sense of grief vanish from my thoughts and a feeling of inspiration to overwhelm me.

Finally the first day of school was here, and I felt confident. As I entered within, it felt as though I had walked into a planet where kids dominate over adults. My goal was to show the school my uniqueness. Although my plans were consistent of the many steps I would take to slowly reach my goal, it was not until an hour into my first day when suddenly was recognized by a few kids. The first action I took was joining the soccer team and it seemed as though that was all I needed. I loved playing soccer, and the kids I met that day eventually grew up to become my closest friends. Through this experience, I learned that confidence within oneself leads to true happiness within a society.
omo5031 8 / 33  
Jan 14, 2012   #2
i didn't find any gramatical errors. You have a great essay but I'm hoping this is just the first paragraph. You haven't completed this essay. You need to talk about how being different affected you as you grew up in America- whether positiively or negatively. What you did to change the way you felt when you just arrived. Talk about the things that helped you adapt and most inportantly talk about the influence/significance of moving to the US.

You are on your way, just elaborate more, you stil have lots of words to go.
Hope I helped, will be happy to reread it for you.
Good luck:)
Betsy01 2 / 7  
Jan 15, 2012   #3
as i read your essay i also didn't find any grammar errors ...
i also feel like you should write more telling them how it made you stronger as a person, how you overcame it.

NICE GOOD tho!!! . (:
upendhakal 1 / 3  
Jan 15, 2012   #4
This is very affecting piece of working.
the vocab, sentence structure, and ordering of ideas all contribute effectively to the over all impression.
However,I think you should work more on it!
mohamed459 9 / 27  
Jan 15, 2012   #5
This is great but you need to make it longer. If this is for common app they need atleast 250 words and your essay only amounts to 194. Try to make it longer and talk about experience more.
michelleyixuan 1 / 11  
Jan 17, 2012   #6
The essay is pretty good. If you want to delete something, I think you don't need the opening paragraph. Try to start your story from the middle. This will be more interesting.

Please check my essay. Thanks
speedoflight25 1 / 7  
Jan 17, 2012   #7
Honestly, it looks great! You have an spectaular writing style. Kept me in suspense the whole time :p

Just one minor change I would make..

In the third grade, I was the individual who stood out.

Add the word "the" as I noted in green above. I wouldn't say the sentence is incorrect without it, but it just sounds a bit awkward.

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