(Essay forum instructors, if you decide to delete my post, will you give me a reason first? Thank you in advance.) Hi! My prompt is "elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities". Harsh criticism please! Thanks! I will return the favor.
Photography is a slice of ephemeral tranquility served alongside a silky smooth wave of chills: every tantalizing sense is flushed through my fingertips as I press the dime-sized button. Any awareness and response reposed within myself has now been apprehended and restored within a single, still-motion depiction of each. I am now only a dissonance of the photo. The picture resembles not "I" or any emotion I had anteceding the shoot but the infinite possibilities of a viewer's freedom of perception and observation. Exposing fervor without common association, the photograph ogles Omni presently; the photograph is poignant and sensitive to the viewer, yet obstinate in its independency and candor. It unifies art, human reality, and blithe imagination, floating, then encapsulated by the human mind. Photography is the anchor man on mute; a pellucid pathos beneath light; the transcendence of human emotion.
Im not sure if the word dissonance is the best word. doesnt that mean some sort of inconsistancy?
Very nice writing and use of words though
exposing fevor without common association
^is fevor a word?...
Comment on my essay!
I meant "cacophony". Dissonance must have fallen through my revision.
And "fevor" is actually "fervor".
Thank you! And yes, I will review your essay.
Cacophony isn't the right word, either...
This essay is a prime example of what you shouldn't be doing with your diction choices. You ever see that episode of Friends when Joey tries to make his writing sound more intelligent by substituting every other word with a "smarter sounding one" that he gets from a thesaurus? Right. That's exactly what it seems like you've done.
There's a huge difference between using advanced language to communicate a high aptitude for writing and using big words just to try and sound smart. Adcoms will easily be able to see through such tactics, especially since half of the words you used don't even make any sense.
^i agree with etaang!
I think ur idea of the photography is good and i like the main idea u r trying to convey.
I dont have a strong command of english that y i try to write in a simplistic way. It is my writing style.
For ur essay, i can't really see ur writing style and ur main idea is crowded by so many superfluous/flowery terms.
Just my two cents!:)
BTW what is the word limit?
I know! English is not my first language, and struggle to be eloquent in writing.
Thank you for being harsh! amberisdead, the word count has to be less than 150.
Here is a revision of my activity. Any grammar errors? Thanks!
the first sentence "To me photography is a slice of ephemeral tranquility served alongside a silky smooth wave of chills" what is a silky smooth wave of chills supposed to signify?
Also, you used two adjectives which could get wordy and slows the readers down. using adjectives can be good for making the readers visualize something, but too much can make the readers bored. I like your writing, but i dunno...i think you could reword some of the sentences to make them more clearer to the writer. i mean there are really great metaphors, such as the first and last sentence. but some parts are just plain abstract and confusing to me...just my opinion. you have a very eloquent style of writing, but i think you could make it better by rewording some of it...a suggestion :)
