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Experience, achievement - essay about losing weight- feedback


ukraine2 1 / -  
Dec 8, 2009   #1
This is my first draft. I'm looking for any feedback or suggestions. Thanks in advance.

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

Trapped inside a prison cell, I began to wonder whether I would ever get out. The bars enclosing me in, chains around my ankles, and constant ridicule were starting to get to me. I realized I had no future waiting around for a miracle to occur. I had to do something myself. I needed to break out.

This may have sounded like the plot to a new action movie, but this depicts the struggle that I had with losing weight. Ever since I was young, I was always overweight, but I never felt as though I was any less of a person because of this. Although, I dawned on me one day, when I could not keep up with everyone else on the basketball team, that I was missing something that the other kids had. The heart and determination were there, but I was scorned because I did not fit into the mold of the athletic type. I was trapped inside a cell of fat that I could not break out of.

After being ridiculed for my weight, my self-esteem started to drop, but I knew that I was a first-rate person inside and that was all that mattered to me. This kind of thinking kept me going until the seventh grade. This is when I had realized that I needed to lose weight. Everyone else was right, but I was not doing this for their reason of me being a better person if I lost weight. I was doing this to help myself in the future and ensure my health for years to come.

I began my plan to break out. At firs, pushing myself to exercise and diet became an unconquerable chore and I was not seeing any results. Debating whether to give up or not, I became inspired when my dad told me, "I'm proud of you for working so hard to get yourself healthy." After this I knew that I could not give up no matter what. For the next two years I worked tirelessly to get myself in shape. Slowly but surely I was witnessing a miracle before my eyes. I was accomplishing my goal. I lost the weight and became the person I always was, but now I was not afraid to show it.

It was tough, but I learned many things along the road to becoming fit. For the first time in my life, I had a new found confidence in everything I was doing. I learned to show off my talents without being embarrassed about what others thought, and most importantly I learned the value of hard work. I incorporated the values and habits that I formed into everything I did. I saw better results and was not afraid to fail when taking on new endeavors. I began to realize my true potential and was aware of the possibilities I had if I worked hard and persisted at any obstacle I faced.

Unax3 - / 1  
Dec 8, 2009   #2
maybe include some more details about what you did specifically and about one experience you had in the process of losing weight (I feel for you, i recently lost 20 lbs)
eresearchpapers - / 2  
Dec 8, 2009   #3
The first five sentences are awesome. They draw a person into the essay and helps to keep them guessing. However, it is important to personalize it more from an emotional standpoint. What did you feel when you could not keep up with everyone on the basketball team? How did this effect your friendships? How did it affect your relationships with the opposite sex?

CLScheidies
Jd87rh 11 / 55  
Dec 8, 2009   #4
it's good but you need to had more details

I began my plan to break out. At firs, pushing myself to exercise and diet became an unconquerable chore and I was not seeing any results. Debating whether to give up or not, I became inspired when my dad told me, "I'm proud of you for working so hard to get yourself healthy." After this I knew that I could not give up no matter what. For the next two years I worked tirelessly to get myself in shape. Slowly but surely I was witnessing a miracle before my eyes. Iwas accomplishing my goal. I lost the weight and became the person I always was, but now I was not afraid to show it.

how? Did you begin an routine, what did you learn from this?

Talk about how you became more confident in the process.
How sheddering the lbs not only made you feel good outside, but inside as well.

I love your story, it's very inspiring. I'm proud of you weight lost, and happy you did it for yourself and not to please others.
EF_Susan - / 2,365 12  
Dec 11, 2009   #5
WOW, you are a great writer! And what an inspiration! I just found a few small things;

AlthIough,It dawned on me one day,

After a lot of being ridiculed for my weight, ...

That was when I had realized that I needed to lose weight.

Everyone else was right, but I was not doing this for their reasons or that I felt I'd be a better person if I lost weight.

At first, pushing myself to exercise and diet ...


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