My experience as an assistant coach - UC Prompt #2: My college app. essay

So the prompt is "Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?"

So far this is what I have (be brutally honest! Correct any mistakes you find. Thanks in advance!):

"It was a Wednesday evening and fifteen boys and girls were running and skipping in a circle on brightly colored mats. Music was blaring from a stereo set on some near by bleachers: "animal action, it's so much fun! Animal action... move like a lion!" and suddenly everyone was crawling on the ground roaring like lions. And I was right beside them roaring too. These kids were not at school or day care but at a tumbling class that I had the opportunity to co-teach when I was only twelve years old.

I came upon this opportunity when my gymnastics coach set up a tumbling class for kids age's three to seven; my sister signed up immediately.

I went with my sister to her first practice and she was more nervous than I had ever seen her, so the coach, whom I had known for three years, invited me to join in to make her more comfortable. The practice was high energy and non-stop movement and I spent the practice teaching the kids how to do cartwheels and playing games like "Animal Action."

I began going to all of the practices with my sister and helping out in anyway that I could. I was surprised how comfortable I was around so many kids and I always looked forward to the once weekly classes.

After a few weeks the coach expressed to me how pleased she was with the way practices had been going and she invited me to join on as a permanent assistant coach. As assistant coach I helped supervise the kids and was often used to demonstrate different tricks and routines.

One of the proudest moments of my time as a coach was when I taught one of my students how to do a walkover. She was seven years old and I had watched her development as a gymnast for two years. Seeing the confidence and pride she took in herself after she finally accomplished a walk over on her own made the experience, not only an accomplishment for her but one for me as well.

I am no longer a gymnasts or an assistant coach and the class has thus far ended, but I still keep in touch with the head coach. I have also recently learned that the girl I taught a walk over to is using the skills she learned so many years ago as a competitive cheerleader.

For two years I was assistant coach and during those two years I grew as a person in many ways. I learned a lot about what it took to be a coach and how being a coach didn't mean giving orders, but giving kids a role model and something to aspire to. I also learned leadership skills that I still use today in many aspects of my life."

This paragraph could move up. One of the proudest moments of my time [...]

Paragraph 2 seems that your sister is the main focus. talk more about you and your day experience as an assistant coach