In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.
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Please tear it apart if you must! I am open to all suggesstions, feedbacks, and opinions :)) Thank you all so much!
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A seemingly incessant stream of nerves flooded through me as I uneasily sat in my desk, fidgeting with the now tattered scrap of notebook paper in my hands. Nervously, I stared at the clock, waiting for the afternoon announcements to list the winners of my school's fiction writing contest. I tried to prepare myself for the inevitable disappointment, considering I was merely thirteen and it was, after all, my very first short story contest. But no amount of persistent coaxing could ease me; this was something I fervently desired, something I desperately needed. In the midst of my rambling thoughts, the familiarly yet still alarming sound of the intercom came buzzing through the room, and I suddenly ceased my tantrum of constant fidgeting as I grew tensely still, feeling a small flicker of inexplicable hope pulse through my veins.
Then, it came ringing through the selective list of incomprehensible names; Gabriella Balza. All worries suddenly exhaled out of me as I breathed in the rejuvenating air of sheer ebullience, of irrevocable joy. My writing had left an impact, whether it was a considerably large or relatively small one, it incontrovertibly influenced someone to choose me, and this filled me with an overwhelming wave of irrepressible thrill.
Within the next week, our prize was presented. We would have lunch with author Robert Elmer, to whom we would read our stories aloud. The carefully planned course of the meal, decorations, and room still remain a hazy blur since my primarily dominant memory of that afternoon is that of me sitting right beside Robert Elmer while a rushing thrill of nervous excitement flooded through me as I waited to read my story. When my time came, all of my previously held nerves faded when I saw the familiarly welcoming appearance of my emotions, my thoughts, my words flowing openly on the page before me. I read through it, allowing my carefully crafted words to overtake me and smiled at the pleased grins which luminously painted the faces of those in the room. It was then, as I released the potent words which I had so fervently poured life into and watch them come alive in the reactions and faces of others, as well as within myself, that I realized this was something I would continuously desire to do. It was incomparably freeing, exhilarating; it was like letting a parrot finally utter its own words.
This honorable experience has caused me to assiduously strive to create writing that not only fills me with unsurpassable bliss but also fully embeds others with validation, with encouragement, and with inspiration. It has caused me to also strive to leave a colossal impression upon others and to vigorously work to achieve my goals. If I were honored with the prestigious acceptance to the University of Florida, this inextinguishable light which I possess for people, for writing, for academics, and for service would radiantly shine through. I would actively involve myself among a variety of divergent departments and people.
It is my responsibility as a student to not only surpass in academics, but also to excel in helping to further advance and add to the atmosphere around me. It is my duty to uplift others, to fill the campus with life, encouragement, and inspiration. Therefore if I were given the opportunity to attend, I would put forth devotion, dedication, time, effort, passion, and encouragement to the campus, to the students, and to my own learning experience at the University of Florida.
Well, you must know you write well. Now you are ready for advanced study of writing:
I challenge you to find 5 modifiers to take out of the first half of this... especially adverbs, but you can improve it by omitting adjectives, too. Take out any 5 you want to take out. You will see how great improvement can be made by omitting those modifiers.
Homework: read On Writing by King
Another challenge: take out 5 unnecessary phrases from the essay. I'll give you the first one for free:
after all
Some breezy phrases like that are okay, but you can usually make the writing pack a harder punch by taking them out... just like Mr. Miyagi pruning a Bonzai.
I want to take care of this one myself:
This honorable experience has caused me to assiduously strive to create writing that not only fills me with unsurpassable bliss but also fully embeds others with validation, with gives the reader encouragement and inspiration.
See... it is good that you are a master of language, but the way to write powerfuly is to express a big idea in few words... like Yoda does, for example. When a big idea is expressed in few words... magic.
:-)
You are truly a gifted writer! I'd like to see the re-write, after you do your "homework."
By the way, you will be coming down to Florida, no? I live not more than 10 minutes from the U of F!
Thanks,
Mark
