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An experience: baskin robbins.

anthonyschoi 1 / 1  
Nov 23, 2010   #1
Prompt #2- Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

I'm honestly not the greatest writer and so... I ask that you dont expect too much from it. But I'm asking for critiques on it so I could beautify it at least a little. Much appreciated.

"Hi. Welcome to Baskin Robbins. What would you like?... Oh wait, Mint chocolate chip right?" I had always been the person who found it difficult to break the chains of redundancy; from the simple choices such as ordering the same ice cream every single time. I lived a life of safety and comfort, avoiding all of the seemingly "risky" alternatives.

However, during my sophomore year, my simplicity and unwillingness to explore the new aspects changed. I became an active member of the church and attended many missions and voluntary opportunities. Since I had recently obtained a religious aspect in me, I was determined to pursue my faith and help the struggling communities.

When I first set foot on the polluted grounds of Mexico, I solely felt one emotion, amazement. I couldn't help but notice the differences between this country and the one I came from. The children that were walking aimlessly on the streets had dirty, ripped up clothes and were digging through trashcans for their meals. Back at home, I had the luxuries of being able to shower everyday, eat multiple meals, and have numerous amounts of clothes to wear. I felt like Colombus, discovering a whole new world of things I had never imagined. But these new discoveries were obtained only by stepping out of my comfort zone, which proved to be the hardest obstacle.

The following day, my team arrived at the church that we decided to assist. Upon arriving at the area, I looked at the church and could only think of two words: empty and hopeless. The walls were cracked, bruised, and worn out, which gave me a definite feeling that it would collapse any second. The feeling of uneasiness rushed over me as I entered the building. At that moment, I had the urge to crawl back into my solid world, but I decided to take that first step out.

Besides the conditions of the church, the children that I served were the ones that made this transition possible. Previously being trapped in my own perspective of perfection, I became one of the Mexican children. I wasn't able to shower and I had to wear the same shirt regardless of how dirty it was. The few days I spent with them were not just interaction; it was a connection. I became one of them, with the same conditions.

As I was making my way back home, I had the feeling of great achievement. Not only have I made a difference in the world, but I also drifted from my reluctant behavior. I became open to new ideas and actions.

Now, when I enter Baskin Robbins, it is not one flavor I see, but the many different possibilities and choices that I could decide from.
bennyburns - / 6  
Nov 23, 2010   #2
Just a suggestion: clarify the baskin robins thing.

For example: I'm the type of person who walks into baskin robins and always orders mint chocolate chip ice cream. An assortment of flavors line the shop's walls, but from life changing decisions to ordering a dessert, I have always found it difficult to break the chains of redundancy.

Again, it's only a suggestion, but something to smooth out the transition in the intro would be good.
OP anthonyschoi 1 / 1  
Nov 23, 2010   #3
You're definitely right. It seemed vague. Thanks a lot Christopher. That opinion/suggest really helped.
theAbraham 3 / 16  
Nov 24, 2010   #4
Just jotting down some thoughts:

Essays starting with well executed quotes can be really effective; however, the quote you use here is confusing and takes away from the essay. I first thought you were the one speaking and working at Baskin' Robbins, but I had to do a double take after reading the second sentence. So either remove the quote, or work it in more smoothly.

chains of redundancy; from the simple choices such as ordering the same ice cream every single time -- Usually when you start a sentence with "from" you have two distant items to illustrate a range of scenarios. Here you only list ice cream.

I solely felt one emotion: amazement.

have had numerous amounts of clothes to wear.

The analogy to Columbus seems strange. He was a man who discovered a new world ripe with opportunity, but moments ago you were talking about depressing observations from your visit to Mexico. I do see what you're trying to say though: that you have discovered new ways to experience things by stepping out of your comfort zone. Try reworking this part, maybe?

Also, something that bothers me about a lot of admission essays is that they stay too general. How about including some very specific, interesting memories from your missions. Right now it's vague enough that anyone could have claimed to do what you've done.

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