I can usually make good essays but my rough drafts are always bad. Plus like anyone else, this whole college application process is kind of intense for me, so I would really appreciate some feedback. Thanks!
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
For the most part, my life was pretty ordinary. It was tough at a lot of times, but I got through it and I became used to it all. I actually started to look up with hope, and any uncertainty about my future was nonexistent. Then, three years ago on Christmas Day, my entire life was turned upside down. I hadn't been feeling well for a couple of weeks. I had trouble breathing, I lost my appetite, and I felt very fatigued. I originally believed that I had just caught a bad bug, but I knew something was wrong when my condition became progressively worse. On Christmas morning I asked my mother to take me to the hospital. It was then that I learned that the reason for my condition was because I had Diabetic Ketoacidosis (DKA). When the body has a lack of insulin it begins to use fat as an energy source, and consequently begins to produce ketone bodies. Having too many ketone bodies (Ketoacidosis) can be fatal, and in response the liver may produce more glucose. With the lack of insulin however, this leads to dangerously high levels of blood sugar. All of these together result in Diabetic Ketoacidosis. When I was admitted into the hospital I had a blood sugar level of 916, far above the normal levels of 80-120. The doctors said that it was a miracle that I was still conscious, and not in a coma. This moment changed every single aspect of my life. Diabetes runs in my family so I knew it was possible that I too would have it. It just happened so fast and so unexpectedly for me. I had just begun to look at the bright side of things, and I was comfortable with my life. After finding out that I had diabetes I was afraid and uncertain about my future. I was more afraid of the financial toll this would take on my family, than the emotional toll it was going to take on me. Even with my family helping me through it all, I felt lonely, scared, and broken. I felt as if I had hit rock bottom.
Over time however, I realized that I had to get through this. I had worked so hard in my life, and I wasn't going to stop just because I had one more obstacle to deal with. I knew that life wouldn't be easy, and this was just another challenge that I had to overcome. Looking back three years, I'm kind of happy that I experienced this. I had a close experience with death, and I survived. I was physically, emotionally, and mentally distraught during this experience. Now, I feel perfectly content with my life. I know how precious and difficult life can be. To get by in life, it requires hard work, and a never give up attitude. I've gone through too much in my life to falter, so I might as well give it my all.
Overall it was really good, the only problems would just be simply making your points clear and other nitty gritty stuff like grammar and sentence structure. Speaking of sentence structure your second sentence: I actually started to look up with hope, and any uncertainty about my future was nonexistent, was very awkward when in context with the rest of the intro. If you want help transitioning and flowing your ideas you could always just ask an English teacher to revise your essay and help you with it. I really liked how you built up a theme that emphasized your insistence on looking at the bright side of things. I would build on that. Maybe title the essay Mr. bright side or something. All in all you have the workings of a great essay with a good theme, all i would do is just go with it and be as creative and original as possible. great job and good luck! :)
