I would appreciate your help editing my essay for admission to UF. It was an experience that changed the way I look at life. It's approximately 700 words and needs to be no more than 500. It's only a rough draft. Thank you for your comments.
"He's not breathing! Miss, do something! Please help him!" screamed frantic guests at the resort at which I was life-guarding. Among the guests were 8-year-old Jeffrey and his family who had just arrived at the resort for their week long vacation. I first noticed Jeffrey with his younger sister in the shallow end of the pool, her not letting him out of her sight. I didn't know that this little boy would change my life. A few minutes later, Jeffrey strayed away from her ending up in the deep end of the pool. Being sure to pay careful attention to him due to his sister's earlier insistence that he should stay close to her, I watched him. I noticed his interesting way of swimming: he seemed to be swimming in circular motions on his side, his airway still above the water so I was not concerned. As I studied him, I realized that he was starting to swim underwater still in his peculiar circular motions.
Jeffrey circled deeper until he finally reached the bottom of the pool. I stood up on my guard stand seeing what he would do next. I waited for about ten seconds and he did not come up to the surface of the water. My heart started pounding. From that point, time seemed to stand still. I blew my whistle as loud as I could, jumped in and swam towards Jeffrey. Upon surfacing with him, mass hysteria broke lose as guests realized the urgency of the situation. Jeffrey was lifeless. As he lay unconscious on the pool deck, hysterical guests swarmed around us. "Please step back!" I yelled. "Miss, please help him! Do something!" the frantic guests yelled. "Please help my brother!" I heard his little sister scream. Pushing guests away from Jeffrey, I was able to manage the panic-stricken crowd and began resuscitating him. Holding back tears, I assumed my position across Jeffrey's chest. "1,2,3,4,5,6,7..." I quietly counted as I pushed down on his chest with diligent force, tuning out the crowd surrounding me. "Breath 1, breath 2," still no response. "1,2,3,4,5... Wait! I feel something!" We all stared anxiously at Jeffrey. He coughed! Trembling, I started to understand what had just happened.
Saving Jeffrey made me realize that I have the power to change lives. He made me aware of the true value of life and how quickly it can be lost or altered. What seemed to be endless hours of monotonous training to be a lifeguard, and continuous early morning drills prepared me to make life-changing decisions in a split-second. I can gain many positive experiences from my life, but my goal is to make a difference in the lives around me. As a Gator, I will bring to the University an attitude of giving as I reach out to touch other people's lives.
your essay is great once i started reading it i dident want to stop. to improve it i think the first paragraph could have more detail in it and also instead of having two paragraphs you could split them upand put a more space beween your paragraph as its quite confusing.
thank you so much! i had it more spaced out when i initially typed it but when i posted it the spaces disappeared! i would love to add more detail to the story because there is so much! but unfortunately i have to cut it down due to the 500 word limit. i still need to get rid of about 200 words. thanks for your comment!
It was a nice May day, perfect for a day at the pool as many guests were enjoying a refreshing swim. Among the guests were 8-year-old Jeffrey and his family who had ...
...still circling and fully conscious.--- start a new paragraph here.
I think you can scratch out all this, too:
I jumped off my stand onto the pool deck and put my whistle in my mouth. I gave him one last chance to come to the top, praying that he would pop up, but he didn't. All movement stopped. I blew my whistle as loud as I could and jumped in. --- look at it without these sentences, and you'll see that it moves along nicely. At the start of the next paragraph you are already in the water.
:-)
Also, I forgot to mention that this one is a great story. It has very interesting content, and I think the reader will really enjoy it.
It's good that you need to reduce the word count, because it will improve if you take out some of the less powerful sentences:
"I'm a trained professional! I'm a trained professional! Please step back!" I yelled as I jumped out of the pool as quickly as I could. "Miss, ... he had escaped from, yell out to me. Finally, help arrived.
You can cut out all this, and it will be action packed (and within that word limit).
Thank you so much for helping me! What do you think of my revisions?
(472 words)
I didn't know if I should mention that the little boy was autistic. (That's why his "younger" sister was watching him.) If I should, I don't know where it would go in the story. I found out after the incident.
This is great! You must know it is great, because when we write something with real energy we know that it has the energy. .. the energy of inspiration, a chill up your spine.
Jeffrey circled deeper until he finally reached the bottom of the pool. I stood up on my guard stand seeing to see what he would do next. I waited for about ten seconds and Several seconds passed, and he did not come up to the surface of the water.
:-)
