Prompt: In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.
Help, I think its too long becuase it has about 640 words and it should be max 500 help me cut out some words and fix grammar and other things! TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK AND BE BRUTAL! THE MORE HONEST THE BETTER! THANK U!
A beam of sunlight blinded me momentarily as I stepped out the door. I slowly and resentfully walked down the stairs and once at the bottom turned around to admire the building that had seen me grow. It wasn't t the nicest building in town but it was certainly home and today I had to let go. I was only eight but I understood that this was the end of life as I knew it and the beginning of a completely new adventure. A part of me felt excited for tomorrow and the wonders it could bring, but most of me was saddened by fact that not only was I leaving my friends and familiar environment, but I was leaving one of the most important people in my life, my father. At that moment I couldn't t understand the reasons we had to go or why he had to stay, but on the car ride to the airport, as I tried to plaster the last images of Cartagena in my head, I remember my mom telling me everything was going to be alright, and that it was for the best. Little did I know she was right. We arrived at the Miami International Airport a few hours later and even though I had been there before several times everything felt strange. I saw the city with different eyes.
The transition didn't t become real for me however until we moved to an apartment, just me and my mom, and I started school. At first it wasn't t easy. We were used to a different life style and only knew a couple of words in English. I was used to being the center of attention in the house, and, even though I wasn't spoiled, whatever I wanted my parents were there to give me if they could. They had taught me to clean up after myself, but we'd always had a maid to help me pick things up and make my bed every morning. Of course, upon arrival this all changed. I began to have more responsibilities and chores, and, even though my mom was still very dedicated to me, I started solving problems on my own instead of depending on other people. Emotionally the change had also affected me. My family had always been extremely tight. We would have lunch and dinner together every day, go to church on Sundays and take random trips just to pass the time. Not having my dad there for most of the year made this hard. I was used to him waking me up every morning for school and now I only saw him every two to three months for a week if I was lucky. At school things also changed. The first day was awkward since I couldn't communicate with most people and I felt lonely and left out. Being placed in ESOL didn't help me feel any more accepted either but it gave me the tools to be the person I am today. Not only did I work twice as hard as I had ever done in Colombia, but I learned perfect english in six months and was at the top of my class right after that. At the end of the year I had won most of the awards including, to everyone's shock, the english one.
Those years shaped me into what I am now, and for that I am a better person and a better UF candidate. Being away from my father and in a different country made me strong. Starting as the underdog in school gave determination and will. Succeeding in my class made me understand the importance of education, and working twice as hard the effort and responsibility it takes. It made me a better student and gave me confidence to believe I could achieve what I wanted. The experience also opened my eyes to a whole new world and taught me to accommodate to different environments. It let me experience two cultures and blend them so I today I enjoy a mix between my Colombian and American side in my music, sense of humor and general personality.
How about a different order of words:
Slowly and resentfully, I w alked down the stairs and once at the bottom turned around to admire the building...
You can always make essays more powerful by cutting out words. From the reader's perspective, fewer words are better. Even little cuts help:
A Part of me felt excited for tomorrow and...
Use a colon to let them know "more is to come" like this:
leaving one of the most important people in my life: my father.
Little ways to say more with less:
Those years shaped me into what I am now, and for that I am a better person and a better UF candidate.
Sometimes it's hard to eliminate part of what you wrote -- Stephen King calls it "killing your darlings" -- but it is all part of the art -- a sculptor chipping away to reveal the beauty under all the extra stuff.
