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Experience outside formal classroom - Pomona Supplement- "K'naan"


Jonika 4 / 11  
Dec 23, 2010   #1
This is my first draft of my Pomona supplement. I need help on it! If you make a comment, I will make sure to comment any of your essays on this site. Also, it would be nice if you could just provide some general feedback.

Prompt:
Although it may appear to the contrary, we do know that people have a life beyond what they do to get into college. Tell us about an experience you've had outside of your formal classroom and extracurricular activities that was just plain fun and why

Response:

Beginning in mid-October, each day at 7:30 am in our calculus class my friend would walk up to the chalkboard and write a number in the top right corner. The first number was fifteen, and the second one was fourteen. The numbers were counted down until only a large zero remained. Today was the day. In school, my two friends and I were anxious, and couldn't focus on our schoolwork. Instead of listening to the lecture or working on our assignments, we would simply look at each other and nod, or smile nervously. The anxiousness and excitement was palpable in the classes we shared. The school day couldn't end fast enough. The seconds ticked by, the hours passed, and finally, at two twenty-five in the afternoon, the last bell wrung.

On any other day, My friends and I might have hung around for a while after school chatting in the quad, or spending some extra time welding in our physics lab; however, today was different. As soon as that bell wrung, we sprinted to my friend's subaru, piled in, and started the three hour drive down interstate 80 towards San Francisco. Unlike the hours spent at school, the drive was enjoyable if somewhat manic due to our excitement. When we saw the Pacific Bell Stadium, we knew we were close to our destination. The Giants were playing in the World Series tonight, and the city of San Francisco was alive. In a moment of habitual paranoia, I reached into my pocket and took out the envelope inside. I flipped open the cover and pulled out the tickets to make sure all three were there. Thankfully, we had not forgotten our tickets and were going to be able see our favorite musician, K'naan', live in concert.

Upon arriving in San Francisco, we cruised around the streets, but decided to get a bite to eat before the show started. By the time we had finished eating, it was 7:45, and with fifteen minutes remaining until the show started, My friends and I decided to head over to The Fillmore. Once inside, we realized that were probably the youngest people there. Unintimidated, we walked out on the floor and worked our way towards the front of the stage and waited for K'naan to take the stage. The concert that my friends and I had been waiting for months was finally about to happen.

Actually, it didn't. At least not immediately. For some unknown reason, we waited for K'naan to take the stage for at least forty-five minutes. The crowd was starting to get annoyed, and while my friends tried to keep it positive by chanting "K'naan", others were trying a different strategy, namely, heckling, stomping, and throwing bottles. Yes, someone threw a bottle. When it looked like a riot may have been forming, the lights dimmed and three musicians took the stage. None of them happened to be K'naan, but moments later, he came running from the side of the stage, mic in hand, and started spitting rhymes. The show had begun.

Normally, I'm a pretty shy guy. I don't go to school dances, and the singing that I do is confined to my room and the shower; however, that night I went crazy. I rapped the verses, sung the chorus, and danced the entire show. To an outside observer, watching a short, skinny, brown kid must have been pretty comical, but for once in my life, I let my inhibitions go and just had fun. The show was phenomenal, and I found myself thinking at the end of each song, "I hope this isn't the last song". The last song inevitabely, but I wasn't too disappointed. The show had been phenomenal. As my friends and filed out and headed back to our car, we knew what that night had been about. It was about freedom from our parents, and from the worries of school. I would be dead tired at school tomorrow, and I knew also that I had cross-country championships, but none of that mattered. All of my life, school has taken priority to all other things, but this night, fun, music, and friends were all that was important.
risingfame 1 / 3  
Dec 24, 2010   #2
the last bell rung.
my friend's Subaru
By the time we had finished eating, it was 7:45.With fifteen minutes remaining until the show started, my friends and I decided to head over to the Fillmore.

...song inevitably
You have a lot of run-on sentences. But you created great imagery in your writing.
mariatateno 6 / 35  
Dec 27, 2010   #3
In a moment of habitual paranoia, I reached into my pocket and took out the envelope inside.
- This sentence is great!!

I flipped open the cover and pulled out the tickets to make sure all three were there. Thankfully, we had not forgotten our tickets and were going to be able see our favorite musician, K'naan', live in concert.

-The "thankfully" in the 2nd sentence doesn't seem to fit with the excited atmosphere

Upon arriving in San Francisco, we cruised around the streets, but decided to get a bite to eat before the show started. By the time we had finished eating, it was 7:45, and with fifteen minutes remaining until the show started, My friends and I decided to head over to The Fillmore. Once inside, we realized that were probably the youngest people there.

-decided repeated twice...it would sound better if you use another word imho

The ending line is really nice and sums it all up.
Good Luck!


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